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Language:
English
Series:
Part 15 of guess-the-author fills , Part 4 of Silver Wolf stories
Collections:
Guess the author: Yukigumi round
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Published:
2020-08-03
Words:
450
Chapters:
1/1
Comments:
6
Kudos:
6
Bookmarks:
2
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55

ab homine iniquo et doloso erue me

Summary:

Silver loves Ray, and Ray hates himself even more for it.

Notes:

Title is from a line in the Latin Mass, translated 'deliver me from the unjust and deceitful man'.

Work Text:

This is wrong, Ray thinks.

He wraps an arm around Silver’s waist, pulling him onto his lap, and Silver throws his head back with a soft moan as Ray unties the ribbon at his collar and kisses the hollow of his throat.

They’re both well on their way to drunk, but Ray is still clear-headed enough to be aware of what he’s doing. Haven’t you done enough to him? an accusing voice says as he kisses his way up Silver’s neck. 

Silver’s long fingers clutch at his shirt sleeves—Ray knows, if he tried, he could make a good go at convincing himself that this is what Silver actually wants. He’s certainly desperate for any affection or human contact (Of course he is, after you already killed everyone he loved), and most of the time Ray is his only option.

But.

Silver isn’t real. Silver is a dead man’s walking shell: a living fantasy that Ray shattered and rebuilt into a mirror image of himself, because he hated himself too much to be alone and was too much of a coward to put an end to his own life.

Sometimes Ray wants to worship at this beautiful creature’s feet, but even so he can’t stop himself from committing blasphemy against him. Those delicate hands tugging at his hair were created for healing, for gently stitching up wounds and wiping tears, but Ray forced him to hold a knife and profane them with blood.

He doesn’t even realize what has been done to him clearly enough to hate Ray properly. Ray has to do all of that himself.

Ray can’t help thinking about what Silver would think if he knew.

He would wish he was dead, probably. Like he was supposed to be from the beginning. What right did you ever have to drag him back from the brink? To tear him down from heaven so you could have someone with you in the filth?

Ray pushes Silver down on the couch and straddles him. Silver gasps, arching against his hips as Ray puts his hands around his neck. His eyes go wide, but his lips bear only an inviting smile as Ray increases the pressure slightly. 

If he wasn’t such a coward, if he wasn’t so afraid of going back to lonely nights and dreams full of empty-eyed corpses, Ray would set him free.

But that’s what you’ve always been, haven’t you?

Ray lets go, grabbing the wine bottle off the floor where it fell and taking a few more swigs to drown out the voice.

“...love you, Ray,” Silver says blurrily, pulling at Ray’s shirt.

“God, I wish you wouldn’t,” Ray half-sobs as he leans down to kiss him.