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“So what’s it like dating Korea’s most famous workaholic?” Changyoon asks as he turns off Hwitaek’s latest show. There have been so many shows and Seungjun’s watched every single one. Seungjun knows that Changyoon is joking. They all give each other shit because that’s how they cope. Humor is easy. Hyperbole is easy. Relationships, well, Seungjun wishes relationships were easy.
It’s been weeks since their last video call and even longer since their last proper date. Seungjun’s been left on read, and then on unread, left to watch his boyfriend pour his heart and soul and mind and body into variety shows and studio recordings, left feeling very much alone. But humor is easy, so Seungjun keeps his tone light as he shoots back, “Well, he found out we had the same hair color through a fan on a broadcast. Saved me the trouble of telling him myself.”
Changyoon pauses. He’s known Seungjun too long to fall for blatant bullshit. “You told him though. I know you did. You were giggling about it the second you saw the pictures. I saw you message him.” His eyes turn sympathetic. “How long has it been?”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Yes, you do. How long?”
There’s a long silence between them for a couple minutes as Seungjun determines whether he wants to continue playacting or be honest. He opts for honesty. He almost always does. “Three weeks,” Seungjun says in a small voice. “It’s been three weeks since he’s replied to my messages.”
Changyoon whips out his phone and Seungjun starts to panic. “You’re not calling my boyfriend, are you?”
“No, of course not. I’m calling mine.” As the ringing echoes faintly through the room, Seungjun contemplates stopping Changyoon from whatever scheme he’s got going, but before he can say a word, he hears Hongseok’s voice on the other line.
“Hello, sweetheart. What can I do for you?”
Sweetheart? Seungjun mouths at Changyoon with an incredulous smirk on his face. This is so going in his mental blackmail file.
Changyoon promptly throws a pillow at him and replies, “Hello, my love.” At this point, Seungjun buries his face in the pillow, their lovey-dovey petnames underscoring what he’s missed recently. Fortunately for him, he doesn’t have to suffer long. Changyoon gets to his reason for calling quickly, simply saying, “I have Seungjun here with me and I’m putting you on speaker.”
Hongseok’s voice shifts to something more serious and sincere. “How long has it been?”
Seungjun sighs, the familiar number rolling off his tongue more easily the second time. He’s getting used to saying this aloud. “Three weeks. How’d you know?”
“Yikes. I knew it was bad, but I didn’t know it was this bad.”
Seungjun tries to soften the blow of that number, vocalizing what he’s been telling himself for almost a month. “To be fair, he’s been really busy.”
Hongseok’s reply is instant. “Not that busy. He goes to the bathroom."
"Some people don't text in the bathroom." It's a lame excuse, but Seungjun has to try.
" Everybody texts on the toilet. He's no exception."
"Well, I don't want to bother him..."
"You never do. That's my job." Hongseok sounds prouder of this fact than perhaps he ought to be as he continues. “ I’ll talk to him. Besides, you deserve better.” Seungjun can’t really argue with that.
“Don’t-” Seungjun stops himself and takes a second to consider how he wants to finish the sentence. “Don’t be too hard on him. He’s hard enough on himself.”
“I won’t,” Hongseok promises. “I can’t do anything to him anyway or he’ll write me out of the next song entirely. He does love that threat.”
“So that’s the secret. Pentagon runs on threats.” Seungjun jokes, taking Hongseok up on his attempt to lighten the mood.
“Hey! We do tears too. We’re very well-rounded.” Hongseok protests.
“Speaking of “well-rounded” things, don’t forget the tiddies!” Changyoon calls out, making Hongseok laugh.
“Yep, that’s our motto: threats, tears, and tiddies!” After they all get over their giggles, Hongseok says goodbye, off to his next mission.
For once in a blue moon, Hwitaek isn’t in his studio or filming anything tonight, but that doesn’t mean he’s sleeping. Hongseok can see the light peeking out from beneath the door to his bedroom. He knocks. “Hyung, it’s me. Can I come in?”
Hwitaek opens the door and ushers Hongseok into his space. It’s slightly messy, but the bed is clear, so Hongseok sits there. Hwitaek perches beside him, crossing his legs to look even tinier than usual.
“I just got off the phone with Changyoon,” Hongseok starts, wanting to ease Hwitaek into the difficult conversation. “He mentioned that it’s been awhile since Seungjun’s heard from you.”
Hwitaek’s expression falls. On some level, he knew it would come to this. It’s impossible to hide forever, especially when their lives have so many overlaps. “I know what you’re about to say. I’m a terrible boyfriend. Who leaves their boyfriend on unread for weeks? But I haven’t been in a shame spiral this bad since…” What Hwitaek leaves unspoken is that the last time he went silent for this long was when they discovered that Pentagon would never again have ten members onstage.
“What’s going on?” Hongseok keeps his voice soft. The last time they went through this, he learned along with the rest of the members that the best way to handle a fragile Hwitaek is with the gentlest of approaches.
It doesn’t take much for Hwitaek to open up. He’s been wanting to talk about this for so long and just never found the time. He rarely finds the time to take care of himself these days. “I don’t even know. I mean, I’ve been working a lot, but he’s done everything right and I can’t seem to do anything in return.”
He sighs, trying to find a start to the tragedy his love life is turning out to be. “At first, it was just a couple of messages that I read and thought I’d reply to later. But then, there were more messages and answering them felt more and more overwhelming. And now, it’s been so long that I’m not sure he ever wants to hear from me again.”
Hwitaek finishes his monologue with his hands thrown up in the air, a picture of despair, and Hongseok’s heart clenches. It’s impossible for him to be angry when Hwitaek is so clearly caught in a whirlpool of his own guilt. So, he bridges the gap between them with a comforting hand on Hwitaek’s shoulder. “Seungjun was there with Changyoon on the other end of the phone, hyung. And he does want to talk to you. He’s worried about you.”
Hwitaek looks at him, fear and hope in equal measure evident in his gaze. “He...he still wants to talk to me?” Hwitaek never expects anyone to stay when things get bad. Well, there are his members, but when his mind is at its most unkind, it reminds him that they are contractually obligated to stay put. Everyone else tends to leave him behind when he fails to meet their expectations. Not that he blames them. He blames himself. He has memorized the exact look of disappointment that comes when they realize that this is how he is, that he can’t give them everything they want. He knows about the empty attempts to reassure him that everything’s fine and the fake smiles as they start the goodbye process.
Hongseok knows from experience that the best way to handle Hwitaek when he's in this state is with easy suggestions to get him back on track. "Would you be alright if I sat with you while you read his messages? You don't have to respond tonight. Just read them."
After a moment of consideration, Hwitaek nods. "Yeah, I think I can do that. Thank you. You shouldn't have to though. I'm supposed to be an adult."
Hongseok shakes his head. "One of the most adult things you can do is to ask for help when you need it. It takes a great amount of strength to acknowledge when you've made a mistake. Isn't that what you tell us all the time?"
Hwitaek sighs. It's never fun to have your own advice used against you. "You're right. I don't have to be perfect. He deserves the perfect partner though and I'm disappointed that I couldn't be that for him."
That draws a laugh from Hongseok. "He's not perfect. Have you seen the way he throws face masks against the wall? That's nasty."
"Yeah, whatever. My point is that he deserves better, better than what I've been giving him. How do I even start?"
"It's never too late to be better, hyung. He's willing to give you a chance and you should be willing to take it. And maybe take him on a really nice date. You may as well spend some of your money before you enlist"
Hwitaek has a newfound resolve in his voice when he says, "Hmm, I think I can do that. Maybe dinner and a drive. I think I want to ask him tonight. Will you sit here with me as I send him a message?"
"Of course! I'm here for whatever you need and I'm proud of you." Hongseok knows that sounds cheesy, but he also knows that Hwitaek needs to hear it more often than he'll ever admit.
Hwitaek takes a deep breath to steady himself and then clicks on the conversation, his free hand tightening into a fist around his blanket. After a few moments, his grip relaxes as he sees that the messages he was dreading contain nothing but love and affectionate concern. Replying doesn't seem so difficult all of a sudden as things he wants to say suddenly flood his mind.
His fingers move of their own accord as the words fall into place, emerging slowly from the jumble in his mind. It's like writing a song, knowing that not everything will be perfect the first time, but being willing to try.
Seungjunie, please accept my sincerest apologies for taking so long to reply. Your messages are lovely. You are lovely. If you would like to hear an explanation, let me know, but for now, please, please know that I still love you and if you still want me, I'll make up for my silence in a thousand different ways. Do you still want this? Do you still want me?
He briefly scans the message for typos and then adds a heart at the end after some consideration. After looking at Hongseok for a moment, seeking reassurance, Hwitaek closes his eyes and presses "send".
In less than a minute, a reply pops up. Hyung, can I call you?
Hwitaek looks at the message and he knows the answer. All he wants right then is to hear Seungjun's voice give him a little bit of reassurance to combat all the doubts and fears swirling in his mind. Of course!
He looks at Hongseok. "Seungjun will be calling in about thirty seconds. Thank you for your help, but also..." He doesn't even have to finish the sentence before Hongseok's laughing his ass off on the way out the door.
"No phone sex tonight, hyung! Some of us need our beauty rest."
Hwitaek may be the oldest now that Jinho's away, but that doesn't mean he's above tossing a pillow at Hongseok's retreating form. "Hey! I bought you all nice headphones for a reason. Use them!"