Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Even through all the noise – bowling pins scattering, pings and beeps and explosions from the video games, kids yelling, music blaring through the PA system – Mike heard Will all too clearly. “Well, what about us?”

Mike froze. I can’t have this conversation, he thought wildly, not here, not right now. Frantically, he tried to think of something to say that would change the subject. What came out of his mouth was, “What?”

“You’re mad that I didn’t talk to you?” Will closed the distance between them, shrugging. “Seems like you made it super clear that you're not interested in anything I have to say.”

The denial was automatic. “That’s just not true!” Mike spluttered. I am. I always have been, I just couldn’t …

“You called maybe a couple of times.”

Fully defensive now, Mike did what he always did -- lashed out, without stopping to think about what he was saying. “Then maybe you should've reached out more! Why is this on me?”

I tried, thought Will miserably. I did. But I just couldn’t …

They stared at each other, months of unspoken, unsent words piled up between them like a wall. The pressure to say something, to finally break their silence, was nearly unbearable.

I wrote you every day.

I told you everything.

I want you to know.

I’m scared.

Mike crumbled first, unable to hold Will’s frightened, hopeful gaze. “Whatever, man.” He could hear himself – cold, dismissive, giving no hint of what was churning inside him. “Let’s just …” Do what? Grab another snack? Play a game? Then he remembered, and felt cold all over, because how could he forget? El. El needed him. “Let’s just find her.”

He turned away, pretending he didn’t see Will’s face fall. He’d apologise later, he told himself. Right now, he needed to be the good boyfriend El thought he was.

Will followed, because what else could he do? His sister – Mike’s girlfriend – was in trouble. That mattered more. That was always what mattered more.

Chapter Text

October 4, 1985

Dear Mike,

We got as far today as … actually, I’m not really sure. Someplace halfway across Missouri. I didn’t notice the town sign, but this place is small. We’re staying at this really run-down motel, you should see how gross it is. I don’t think Mom would have picked it but she was too tired to look for somewhere else. The beds are awful and lumpy, at least, the ones in the room Jonathan and I are sharing are. As for the carpet - gross. Worse than the carpet at the arcade, if you can believe it. It doesn’t even have its own stationery, which is why I’m writing this on sketchbook paper.

I know it hasn’t even been a day yet since we left so I guess it’s a bit weird to already write you.

This feels like a mistake. Leaving, I mean. I know we had to so that El can be safe, but Hawkins is my home town. I know that sounds selfish and I don’t mean it like that because I do want her to be safe. It’s just that I miss you so much already. And Lucas and Dustin too, of course. Which is stupid, right? We’ll see each other.

We had dinner in our rooms tonight, burgers from a diner nearly as awful as this motel. Glad Mom didn’t see it, because we probably would have ended up going without, she sent me and Jonathan. And then we ended up eating separately anyway because El was still crying and Mom didn’t want to stress her out. She said - Mom, that is - she needed to stay with El, and would we understand, and we can start being a family tomorrow.

I get it. I do. El went through so much and she hasn’t had time to even start to get over it. But Jonathan’s hurting too - not that he says anything, he just gets this look sometimes and I know he’s sad and trying not to show it. He also keeps watching me when he thinks I’m not looking, like he’s worried I’m going to lose it. Of course I’m not going to.

They’re all upset. Grieving, I guess. So the least I can do is not make it worse by giving them a reason to worry about me. Even though I feel like part of me got ripped away and is still back in Hawkins. God how melodramatic. It’s not like I’m the one who lost Hopper, or left behind Nancy, or you, except I did leave you behind a boy girlfriend. And the Mind Flayer’s gone now, so I need to just get over myself.

Ugh, here I am complaining and I haven’t even asked you how you’re doing. Nice going, Will. Way to be a selfish jerk. But then I guess it’s not hard to work out. I should probably say something about how you’ll be able to write to her and call her on Cerebro and you’ll see her on holidays - I know my Mom talked to your Mom about you and Nancy visiting. I also know that doesn’t help because if I feel this bad about leaving you, you must feel ten times worse about El leaving.

Well this letter is a mess. I’ll have to do a good copy before I send it. Or maybe just rewrite it altogether and leave out my angsty bullshit. And find a mailbox in the morning.

Take care of yourself, Mike. And try not to worry about El.

Love,

Will.

*****

October 4 1985

Dear Will,

Hey Will.

Surprise! If my plan worked then you found this letter when you stopped for the night. Yes, I snuck it into your backpack when you weren’t looking because I’m sneaky like that. I thought it might cheer you up a bit if you didn’t have to wait until you got to California to start getting letters.

How was the trip? Boring, I bet. At least you had my mixtape to listen to in the car. Did you like it? I tried to include songs that I know you like, but once Jonathan packed up his stuff I couldn’t borrow his albums anymore. Anyway, I hope it helped.

This is weird. I’m writing this letter the night before you leave, and I’m trying to guess how things went for you.

Lucas and Dustin were talking about the three of us spending the afternoon together after you leave. (I don’t know about Max, Lucas says she’s not talking to him much, which I totally get.) It’ll probably be good, but ……. I don’t know, the idea of it just being the three of us is weird. Like, how do we work without you? All this summer you were the one trying to keep us all together when I was being an asshole, and now you won’t be here anymore. I wouldn’t blame them if they didn’t want to hang out with me. I wouldn’t want to hang out with me. So I guess I’ll just see what happens.

Our Moms would probably want me to tell you it’s all gonna be fine, you’ll make new friends and you’ll be too busy to be lonely, etc etc. You and I both know that’s probably crap, because people like us are always on the bottom of the kicking order (or whatever it’s called). Schools are the same everywhere. All I can say is they won’t know what they’re missing out on if they don’t try to be your friend, and it’s their loss.

Or maybe I’m wrong, maybe other people will see what a great person you are. I hope you do get new friends ….. just maybe not a new best friend, okay? Although I wouldn’t blame you. But until you do, I promise I’ll call as often as Mom lets me. I negotiated with her to do extra chores in return for the long-distance fees — including mowing the lawn, can you imagine me doing that? Stop laughing, I know you’re laughing.

I’m gonna miss you so much. Christmas can’t come soon enough.

Love, Mike

Chapter Text

October 5, 1985

Dear Mike,

I ended up not mailing the letter I wrote yesterday. It was just me feeling sorry for myself.

Today has been super weird. The drive itself was pretty boring - I tried to read but guess what, I got carsick. This is my first long trip, so I didn’t even think that might be a problem. No, I didn’t throw up, so you can stop laughing at me. But it meant I had to just stare out the window, because Mom wasn’t feeling very chatty.

Oh yeah, we swapped cars today. Mom said it would be good for El to have bonding time with Jonathan. (Jane, I mean. I keep forgetting. I just can’t get used to calling her that, but I’ll have to before school starts). Which makes sense.

So, the weird thing. All day yesterday El was upset, but today she’s bouncy and happy. Jon said she talked his ear off in the car, asking him about California, and what it’s like to go to school. I’m sure he sugar-coated it, because she was still happy when we finally stopped for the night, and I don’t blame him. There’s no reason she has to know how shitty school in Hawkins was for him. I’m glad she hasn’t asked me yet, though, because I don’t want to lie to her. Friends don’t lie, right? That’s what she keeps saying.

From what she’s said, she knows that bullies exist (she calls them ‘mouth-breathers’, she got that from you, right?), but hopefully she’ll fit in at our new school. I’m definitely going to do my best to help her with that, although I’m not the best example of standing up to bullies. Speaking of that, El told me you actually pushed Troy over??? Back when I was lost in the Upside Down she first met you? She said Troy was saying mean things - she didn’t understand what they meant, but she said you were angry. I’m pretty sure I know what he would have said, anyway

She also said something else happened with you and Troy, apparently she’s not allowed to talk about it though? Whatever it was, it must have been amazing - now I know why he backed off after I came back. Sure, he was still part of the ‘zombie boy’ bullshit, but I’ve been called worse names.

Guess you really are a paladin at heart. My knight in shining armor. But then, you always have been. Wow, that looks so awkward written down - it’s true, though. You always protected me, even when we were little. And now I have to get used to being without you standing up for myself. And standing up for El, too. I have no idea how to even start doing that, how do you go from always hiding behind someone to being the person someone else hides behind? But I will. I promise you, I’ll figure it out. Maybe I’ll just pretend I’m brave like you.

It will be pretending, of course. I’m not brave. I’m scared as hell about going to a new school. Mom says she’s sure all of us will make new friends, but I can’t just walk up to someone at break and say, “Hi, want to be my friend”. I’d probably die of embarrassment and not be able to talk and then they’d know the new kid is a freak. Even without knowing who I am what happened to me.

There I go again, making it all about me. Anyway. I’ll work on being there for El. I owe it to you.

I want to come home. I want to come home so bad that sometimes

Another letter I’ll have to re-write. Good thing I’ve got lots of paper.

Love,

Will.

*****

October 6 1985

Dear Will,

I’m an idiot. A bona fide doofus. A space cadet. A jerk. All of those things.

I forgot to put my letter and the mixtape in your bag! They were on my desk ready for the morning and I had trouble getting to sleep because I was thinking about how much I was going to miss you all of you and I ended up oversleeping. Mom must have moved them or dumped some clean clothes on top of them when she woke me up, and I was so out of it when I woke up I didn’t even think about them! I mean, I was freaking out because we were running late, but that’s no excuse.

Now I’ll have to wait until Christmas to give it to you, because I called Dustin about it and he said I shouldn’t mail tapes. Something about X-rays and magnetism, I didn’t really get it, but apparently it would get wiped. I’m sorry. Still, at least I already have your Christmas present, right?

Just kidding. I’m obviously going to get you an actual present. You’ll just get the tape as well. By the way, do you have any ideas about what I could get El? Like, when you’re settled, give me a clue about what she’s into? I know we totally failed when I was trying to find a present for her to say sorry -- remember that guy at the jewellery store, the way he looked at us like we were microbes when we couldn’t believe how much that teddy bear pin cost? Who pays that much for a tiny thing like that?! Anyway, I know you’ll be able to find out what she likes, because I definitely don’t.

I won’t ask you what you want for Christmas, because you’ll just shrug and say I don’t have to get you a present -- like you always do. Well tough shit, Byers, you’re getting one.

When I was on the phone to Dustin he asked if I wanted him and Lucas to come over tonight. I said yes, but -- I don’t know. I don’t really want to see anyone. Except you, is that weird? I mean, obviously I miss El too, but it’s different. We never just hung out, not like you and I did. Wow, that makes me sound like a shitty boyfriend.

All today I was thinking about that fight we had. You know, when I was a total asshole to you. (One of the many times I was a total asshole to you last year, let’s face it.) I made fun of you for wanting to hang out and play D&D in my basement, but you know what? I get it now. I get it because I really want to do that. And like the genius I am, I didn’t figure it out until it was too late, because even if we do that when you come back to Hawkins for a visit, it won’t be the same.

And that just got me thinking about all the time I wasted being a selfish jerk. I know you probably think you broke up the Party by leaving, but you didn’t. I did that, long before you left. I wish like hell I could go back in time and play more campaigns with you – but then, if I could go back in time I’d make it so that you never got kidnapped by the Demogorgon. I’d go back to that night and force you to sleep over. Our Moms would bitch about it, but who cares? You’d be safe. And everything would be different. And you wouldn’t have to leave.

School on Monday. I’m not sure I know how to do this when you’re not here.

Look at me bitching when you’re the one whose life has been turned upside-down. Wow, bad choice of words there. You know what I mean, I hope.

Lucas and Dustin are here. I can hear Dustin trying to sweet-talk Mom into giving us some of the cookies she’s just baked. She made peanut butter cookies, she thinks they’re my favorite, when they’re yours. I don’t think she even realises how often she gets us mixed up. Lucky for her I like peanut butter, even if chocolate chip is the real bomb. I’ll eat some in your honor.

Game face on.

Love, Mike

Chapter Text

October 12, 1985

Dear Mike,

California is hot. Like, really hot. I keep having to remind myself it’s Fall here because I’m walking around in a t-shirt all the time. Yesterday I even got a bit sunburned. It’s been non-stop sunshine since we got here and that’s going to take a lot of getting used to. Who knows, maybe when you see me at Thanksgiving I’ll have a tan. Wouldn’t that be something.

Mom loves the weather (although she’s made us swear to wear sunscreen when it’s really hot, at least until we get used to it), and so does El. In fact, El said yesterday that she likes it much better than Hawkins because Hawkins is damp. I understand what she means, but I guess I’m used to it, because it only bothered me when I got colds in the Winter.

I can’t even imagine what Winter will be like here. No snow!

We don’t start school until next week. El and I will take most of our classes together - normally they split up siblings (oh we’re officially twins now, did I mention that? crazy) but Mom got the principal to make an exception since we’re transfer students. El’s doing remedial classes as well, though. Mom and I are going to help her catch up as quickly as possible so she doesn’t have to worry about getting bullied about that, at least.

The school is huge. At least three times bigger than Hawkins Middle. Good news is, I probably we probably won’t stand out amongst so many other kids.

They have an art club! There are classes, so I can get better at drawing, and we get to work on our own projects just for fun. Before you ask, yes of course I’ll send you some new pictures or maybe even paintings. Then maybe you can finally replace all those bad crayon drawings I did that are still on your basement wall.

It was great to talk to you the other day, even if it was only short. I could have talked for hours, but I know it’s expensive and El wanted to speak to you.

Honestly, though, I did get annoyed. El gets letters from you all the time, and she doesn’t share those. Not that I’m asking her to! But my point is, she has those, so why do I have to share my phone calls? I know that sounds childish, but still.

Mom keeps saying that I have to keep in mind that you’re El’s boyfriend, and she misses you, and I should be gentle with her, etc, etc. The thing is, I am. I know I have a responsibility to help her adjust, and I’m doing the best I can. But she’s not the only one hurting here. I can hear Mom crying at night when she thinks everyone is asleep, because she misses Hopper. (And wow, it seems like she might have actually been in love with him). And Jonathan is really depressed. He tries not to show it and just says he misses Nancy, but I’m pretty sure there’s something else going on. He reminds me a little bit of how I was after Mom and Hopper rescued me. So I need to look after them, too.

I don’t mind it. Really. I love them, and I want them to all be happy. I just wish there was someone like that for me. It used to be you, but it can’t be anymore. Even though I want it to be so much. It’s not just that it would be too expensive, I have to learn to share you with El. I never had to do that before. Part of me doesn’t want to, because it feels like she’s taken my place, and I know how bad that sounds.

And I know you’d be really pissed off if you read that, so I guess this is another letter I won’t be sending.

I’m sorry. I’ll do better.

Love,

Will.

*****

October 13 1985

Dear Will,

What gives with you handing the phone over like that? It was weird. I called to talk to you, not El. She’s not supposed to talk by phone because of the big bad government, remember? That’s why I mostly write letters to her, although I suck at it. I never know what to write. Anyway, I wanted to talk to you, but I only got a few minutes.

Did you not want to talk to me? Did I do something wrong? Should I write you more often (and maybe actually send the letters instead of chickening out every time)?

Are you still mad at me? I thought we’d gotten over that, but if we haven’t, you need to tell me because I’ll apologize as often as you need me to. You have no idea how much I miss you. It’s not getting easier, it’s getting harder. Being a freshman sucks, there are so many people from other middle schools in my classes now, Dustin’s doing advanced math (like he wasn’t nerdy enough already), Lucas has joined the basketball team (I kid you not), and I keep looking to my left to where you normally sit and there’s a complete stranger there asking me if he has something on his face.

Next time I call, don’t run away. I’ll explain to El that I need time with you too, at least I’ll try to. I’m not sure she really gets it, because in her letters she keeps talking about stuff she got out of girls’ magazines (thanks, Max, for warping my girlfriend’s brain with those) that are all about how relationships are supposed to go. This will sound terrible but in one way I’m kinda glad we don’t live close to each other, because I don’t think I could keep up with all those expectations. I never thought having a girlfriend would be so much work!

Now that we’re apart, I’m starting to realize I had no idea what I was getting into when I kissed El. Don’t get me wrong, she’s awesome, and I love her, but -- it doesn’t feel like I thought it would. Being in love, I mean. You’re supposed to get butterflies in your stomach when you think about someone you’re in love with, right? And want to be with them every minute, and feel bad when you can’t be with them? I don’t feel like that.

I know I don’t have to ask, but please don’t tell her. It’s not her fault.There’s something wrong with me.

I shouldn’t even be talking to you about this. It’s not fair of me to take up our time dumping all my problems on you. I want to know what you’re doing, how you’re feeling, is it working out at your new school? I wonder about that a lot because I know how hard school was for you here.

Have you made new friends? I guess it’s only a matter of time before you do. I know you’re shy but they’ll soon see how great you are. Is it weird that idea pisses me off a bit? I don’t like the thought of sharing you, which is such selfish bullshit. It’s not like I was your only friend when you lived in Hawkins. But I was your best friend. I am your best friend, I don’t want someone else taking my place.

I really understand now what ‘taking something for granted’ means. That’s what I did to you, and I hate that I did that. I won’t ever do that again. I promise. I’ll get my head together and I’ll be a better friend, I promise.

Love, Mike

Chapter Text

October 15, 1985

Dear Mike,

Oh my god. Holy crap. Holy crap.

I knew we were moving to a state that gets lots of earthquakes. Mom even sat us down before we left and reassured us that we’d be safe, and most of the time it was only small earthquakes. She was just being her usual overprotective self and exaggerating - but then one actually happened.

It happened while we were at school. I was in Mrs Perez’s office (she’s the guidance counsellor) and at first I thought it was a big truck or train going by. Obviously trucks don’t drive through schools but it was what made sense. But it didn’t stop. It got stronger and louder and - this is going to sound weird - deeper. I could feel it, like it was inside me, and I freaked.

Mrs Perez took me outside, I guess. I wasn’t really focused on where we were going, but when it was over I was out on the quad and all the other kids and teachers were standing around. They were acting like it was no big deal. Meanwhile, I couldn’t even stand up. The school secretary called Mom, then Mrs Perez drove me home.

I was mostly okay when I got home, but Mom did her usual thing of fussing all over me and treating me like I was a little kid. I didn’t mind for once, because I actually sort of felt like I was little again. It felt good to have her wrap me up in a blanket and make me a hot drink and give me hugs - but at the same time I was mad at myself for worrying her. That’s why I didn’t tell her what made me so scared.

We never had earthquakes back home, but when it started happening here I realised I’d felt it before. Not in Hawkins. In the other place. The Upside-Down. God, why does even naming it make me get all shaky? I was hiding from the Demogorgon in the other Castle Byers and I was freezing cold and … I think that was when I started to give up on the idea of ever escaping. And I felt so bad because I knew you and Mom and Jonathan would be really hurt, and I didn’t want you to hurt because of me.

That’s when I felt the quaking. It rattled everything around me and then I felt it inside, right in my middle, I was shivering so hard it was like I was going to shatter. I remember calling for help - and then the Demogorgon smashed through the wall and grabbed me.

I never told anyone about that after Mom and Hopper rescued me, so how was I supposed to tell her the reason I freaked out so much about the earthquake was because it felt like being lost again? It almost felt like being back there - but it wasn’t a now memory, I guess it was what Dr Owens called a flashback. A ‘normal reaction to trauma’, was what he said. It’s bad enough I have nightmares, but please don’t let this start happening in the daytime again.

It’s stupid, right? The Upside-Down can’t get me here, I know that. Although sometimes it feels like I’ll never really get away from

You want to know something else stupid? When the earthquake was going on, the very first thing in my mind was ‘find Mike’. It’s like I completely forgot I was half a country away.

Love,

Will

*****

October 16 1985

Dear Will,

My watch says it’s 4:17 am here and I have to get up for school in a couple of hours, but I can’t go back to sleep. Crazy bad dreams tonight. I already know I’m not gonna send this letter – it’d be different if you were still here and we could talk about it, but the thought of you reading this on your own without me there is all wrong. But I do need to get it out, so I’ll just pretend this is me tallking to you.

I dreamed about the shed again. Only this time when I told you about asking you to be my friend, you didn’t look at me the same. When it really happened (and I’ll never forget it, it’s like etched in my brain or something), I could see it was getting through. You looked so scared, but you also looked like you were telling me with your eyes that you remembered me. In my dream though it was different.

You looked at me like I was nobody. Like I was a stranger. And then you just turned around to your Mom and started saying “let me go” over and over again. And I couldn’t take it. I grabbed you and made you look at me – and you started screaming. Not angry, but the way you did when the lab people went down into those tunnels and started flaming everything and you fell down and screamed like they were killing you.

In the dream it was me who did that to you. Just by touching you – and the really awful thing is I didn’t let go. I just kept shaking you and you kept screaming and your nose started to bleed like El’s does and I didn’t stop and you were so loud –

And then I woke up and the only thing I could think of was that you were in danger again, so I ran downstairs and called your number. Not where you are now, the number to your house. Your old house, I mean. And of course I got the disconnected message because there isn’t anyone living there anymore.

And I freaked out .

I don’t know what I thought, but obviously I wasn’t really awake because I kept dialling. I’m not sure how many times I did that before it finally sunk in that you weren’t there anymore and it was just a dream.

I never told you how scared I was back then. In the shed. I knew you’d feel guilty even though it wasn’t your fault, and anyway you were the one in danger. But I was. I was terrified. It’s like you were slipping away right in front of me and I was going to lose you forever. And that can’t happen. I don’t know how I could survive if I did. It sounds so dramatic but even before that, at the quarry

I miss you.

Love, Mike

Chapter Text

October 19, 1985

Dear Mike,

I really don’t know why I got my hopes up. I was so stupid to think that school might be any better here than back in Hawkins.

Don’t get me wrong, in some ways it’s better. The library is good, and there are just as many nerd clubs as sports clubs (even if the kids in nerd clubs still get picked on, that’s something at least). The teachers are about the same, although I haven’t spotted Lenora’s version of Mr Clarke (if he even exists). If you can believe it, there might even be a D&D club. Don’t worry, I haven’t joined another party, I said I wouldn’t and honestly, I don’t want to. Anyway, even if I did want to, I couldn’t because Mom still can’t relax about leaving me on my own when it’s getting dark. She gets Jonathan to drive El and me home every day without exception - Jonathan can go out again afterwards, but we can’t hang out anywhere. Not that either of us have any friends except each other.

So that means no art club after all, which really sucks. The art teacher lets me use the room at lunch, at least, so we usually just hide in there. El’s not really interested in art, but she says she likes to just read her magazines and be around me. (Having a sister is weird. I know way too much now about nail polish and hair care because she reads the articles out to me. Believe me, you do not want to know how many different types of skin there are and how to look after all of them, I sure didn’t.)

I can deal with all of that, I guess. If it wasn’t for the bullies. I didn’t even have to do anything before they found me, it’s like they take one look at me and that’s it. I used to think it was just Hawkins, but now….. maybe it is me. But worse than that are the girls - they hate El, and she’s trying so hard to fit in. I know she would have told you about this in her letters, I just hope you can give her good advice because I am useless all I can tell her is to keep her head down and try not to attract their attention, not that it ever made any difference for me but what else can I say?

Some big brother I am. I will get better at this, I promise you. Somehow.

Love,

Will

*****

October 21 1985

Dear Will,

Do all girls write this much, or is it just El?!

I’m not complaining! She puts so much in every letter, and it sounds like school is going great for her, but school is school, right, it’s not that interesting. I’m sure she doesn’t want to hear about school projects, and she has zero interest in D&D and she’s not into comics or Star Wars and I don’t have a lot else to talk about.

I was relieved when she told me she made friends, though, because I know she misses Max, and Max misses her too even though she won’t say anything to me about it. Just between you and me, I wondered if she’d be too weird for other kids, but I guess not. Not that she’s weird! Well, she is, but you know what I mean.

I bet your Mom’s glad she’s got girl friends. Has she started nagging you about going on a date with any of them yet? Probably not now I think about it, your Mom is pretty cool about that sort of thing. I can’t imagine you dating, actually. Wow, that does not look the way I meant it in my head. I didn’t mean you couldn’t get a date, obviously you could if you wanted to and let’s face it, you’d be a way better boyfriend than I am. You’d be the kind who would remember all that anniversary stuff and know your girlfriend’s favourite candy and all that sort of shit. I just … I can’t imagine you being with someone.

Okay, I’m gonna stop before I stick my foot even further in my mouth, and start from the beginning.

Love, Mike

Chapter Text

November 1, 1985

Dear Mike,

I’m starting to think writing these letters is turning into some sort of weird diary. I’ve probably written twice as many as I actually send.

I already know I won’t send this one, either. So why am I writing it? The doctors back at Hawkins Lab would probably be very approving - they always used to encourage me to keep a journal to write down how I was feeling, coping, etc. (And my dreams, especially my dreams. Creepy, right?) It was so screwed up, like I didn’t have any privacy at all. It was bad enough Mom and Jonathan never let me go anywhere on my own, and I had to get poked and prodded every week, and now they wanted to know what I was thinking about as well? I don’t think I wrote more than a few entries, I hated the idea so much.

But I sort of get it now. It’s actually good to write things down, because it’s like this way it makes more sense in my head and doesn’t tie me up in knots. And as weird as this might sound, if I’m writing you it doesn’t feel the same as it did when I was supposed to be keeping that journal. It’s pretty stupid, I know. You’d probably say that there’s nothing I couldn’t tell you, but things just feel different now. So even if you never see most of what I write, I’ll keep going.

In the last letter I did send you, I mentioned we gave El her first Halloween, I took her trick or treating around the neighborhood. I didn’t talk about me, though, and I realise I’ve been doing that so much, at least in the letters I do send you.

I didn’t have a costume. El decided she wanted to be a ghost for some reason - something to do with Hopper, I think - but my heart just wasn’t in it. I told her I couldn’t think of anything, but that wasn’t completely true. It was just that every costume idea I had was for a group. Or at least two people, you and me. This was my first Halloween without you and Dustin and Lucas, and I don’t know how to do that solo yet.

Going out was all very normal, but I couldn’t help thinking about last year. I don’t think El noticed, even when a bunch of kids ran past us dressed up like the Ghostbusters and I know I flinched. Afterwards she wanted to watch horror movies. I made it through the Twilight Zone movie, but I said I was too tired for more. It wasn’t a lie - I am tired, not sleeping great lately. But it felt like one.

I tried to distract myself by thinking about other Halloweens. Like our very first one, do you remember that? You were a cowboy and I was going to be a wizard, but you insisted we should have costumes that match, so Mom made this awful headpiece from a feather duster for me and got me this stupid toy bow and arrow set from Melvald’s. We looked ridiculous, but I was so happy.

That worked for a while, but I just kept thinking about what you said last year. Crazy together. I don’t think you’ll ever know what a lifeline that was for me - but now we’re so far apart and I guess I should start really getting used to the idea that it’s gone. Mom would say I’m not alone, I’ve got her and Jonathan, and El, and she’s right, but they’re not you, Mike.

What a pity party. I really need to get over myself.

Love,

Will.

*****

November 2, 1985

Dear Will,

Your last letter sounded like Halloween went okay. It even sounded a little boring, doesn’t California know how to do Halloween properly? You’d think that with Hollywood and everything they’d do it even better there. Or maybe it’s just where you live. Either way I wish it had been better for you.

You didn’t miss much here. Max didn’t want to do trick-or-treat (which was annoying but I guess it makes sense after everything), so Lucas didn’t want to go either. Dustin and I talked about it, but I don’t know, my heart wasn’t really in it. Maybe it would have been different if you were still here. I know it would have been different. Not that I’m blaming you because I’m not! I just think maybe we’re not used to the idea that you’re not just somewhere on vacation.

Anyway, I stayed home, and watched movies with Nancy. No, I really did, it’s true. She’s been pretty mopey since Jonathan left. She usually tries to keep busy but all her friends were out doing parties. So I guess we just decided that if we were gonna be sad sacks, we could keep each other company. We watched Creepshow, and The Amityville Horror, and let me tell you it was weird . She was chill the whole time, not scared at all. I hate to admit it but my sister has turned into some kinda badass monster-killer.

I couldn’t really sleep after that. I went down to the basement and poked around for a bit, but you know what I kept thinking? I kept thinking about the promise I made you last year. You probably don’t remember it because so much crap happened after that, but I meant it back then and I still do. If you go crazy, I go with you. School and friends and family and anything else can go to hell. You’re more important, you’re the most important. I don’t care how far away we are from each other, I’ll figure it out.

If you still want me to. I wouldn’t blame you if you didn’t, after what I said.

Who am I kidding? You don’t need any help from me. You’ve got an awesome family and a real live superhero sister. And you probably don’t even have nightmares anymore, now you’re away from Hawkins. It’s not like I could sleep on your floor and help you calm down even if you did, anyway.

Is it bad that I hate the thought that you don’t need me? Am I just that selfish?

Love, Mike

Chapter Text

November 6 1985

Dear Will,

Sorry about the writing. I’m supposed to be asleep so I’m trying to hide my flashlight under the covers because I don’t think I can sleep just yet.

Today was a complete disaster. I was late to school because I was trying to finish a letter to El so I could mail it on the way to school, and I got a tardy slip. Then at lunch I heard these girls talking about you, Jennifer Hayes was telling a transfer student (why anyone would want to move to Hawkins beats me) about when you were missing. And that’s when I realised what date it was. I didn’t forget about it, exactly – I knew it was coming up, I just lost track of the days.

Anyway, Jennifer was going on about how weird it all was, and how she was so upset at the funeral and …… I just lost it at her. She didn’t even know you existed until that happened and then suddenly she was your best friend, because what, you got all cool and interesting only after she thought you were dead??? And then once we got you back she didn’t even try to talk to you, so I wasn’t going to let her get away with that bullshit. (The Snow Ball doesn’t count, I bet her friends dared her to do it. I shouldn’t have made you dance with her, I don’t know why I thought it was a good idea.)

I got right up in her face, I don’t remember half of what I said but I know I yelled pretty loudly. Dustin was trying to get me to stop but I just kept yelling and that’s when Mrs Turner came round the corner and slapped me with detention for bullying. Me. Bullying. What a joke.

So I was late home, and then I had to explain that to my parents. Mom was being all I-understand-but-you-mustn’t-be-rude. I said I wanted to call you tonight to check on you and Mom was okay with it but then Dad – of all people – said something really weird. He said if he was you, he wouldn’t want to be reminded about what happened to him. He’d want to “put it in the rear-view mirror” and just move on. I thought that was nuts at first. I mean, it’s not like you can just forget about something like that, is it?

But then I got thinking maybe he was right. You still haven’t talked much about what happened to you when you were gone. I know you said you don’t remember much, and I guess now that you’re away from the scene of the crime what you do remember is maybe dying down. So Dad could have been right and it was better to let the day go past without reminding you. But then what if you did need to talk about it? ….. and I just went round and round in circles in my head trying to work out the right thing to do.

In the end I decided to call you, but your phone was busy. Then Mom’s stupid friend called, and by the time she finished it was really late and it was a school night so I thought you’d probably already be getting ready for bed. So I didn’t call.

It wasn’t until I’d actually been in bed for ages that I realized I’d forgotten about the time difference. It hadn’t been that late, and I could have called, but now it was too late! Some best friend, huh. I let you down and I feel terrible about that.

I just read over this letter and it’s all me, me, me. I didn’t mean for it to come out that way, I really have been thinking about you all day and worrying if you’re okay. I just wanted to explain why I didn’t call, but it’s coming out all wrong. I think I’m gonna scrap this letter and write a better one.

I hope you’re okay. I’ll try calling tomorrow. (By the way, I think something’s wrong with your phone.)

Love, Mike

*****

November 6, 1985

Dear Mike,

It’s 2:17 am according to my watch, so I guess technically it’s the 7th. It’s still the same night, though, so it doesn’t feel like the day is past yet. Does that make sense? Dumb question. I don’t know why I’m asking you, because I already know I’m not going to send you this letter. I just have to write this down. I think I’ve turned you into my diary, Mike.

I can’t sleep. No, that’s not true. I probably could, but I’m afraid to. It’s not that I think anything is going to happen to me, not really. The gate is closed and the Mind Flayer’s gone, thanks to El. I know that. I keep telling myself that. (Occasionally I can even believe it, for a while at least.)

It doesn’t stop the nightmares, though. Especially at this time of year. I’m not sure I’ve had a good night’s sleep since Mom and Hopper got me back, but it’s worse lately. Dr Owens called it the anniversary effect, which is such a stupid name for it. Anniversaries are supposed to be things you celebrate - and who would want to celebrate being kidnapped by a monster?

(Jonathan said maybe I should make it the anniversary of me getting rescued. He’s probably right, but I just can’t.)

I don’t dream much about what happened to me when I was in the Upside Down - well, I do, but I don’t remember it clearly. I just wake up in this weird blind panic. Those aren’t the really bad dreams, though. In the bad ones, I’m the spy again, and I can’t do anything to stop him. It’s like I’m watching from inside my head. I can hear myself talking but it’s not me speaking, and I can hear myself lying to you and Mom and everyone and luring you all into a trap. And then … he makes me watch. I can’t stop it, and I can’t look away. He won’t let me.

But even those aren’t the worst ones. In the worst dreams, it’s me. I’m the one hurting you. I tell him I don’t want to and he just laughs at me and tells me that deep down I do, and that’s why he chose me. Because I’m just like him.

That’s why I’m afraid to sleep tonight. Because what if he’s right? There’s so much I don’t understand about how I feel. I know there’s something wrong with me.

If you were here you’d probably tell me that’s not true. At least, I think you would.

But you're not here. You haven't been here for a long time, since long before we left Hawkins, even if I was back there now you wouldn't be here. Not in the way you used to be.

And I get it, I really do. You said it, right? We're gonna grow up - I just don't understand why growing up means I have to lose you. I know El comes first, but would it be so bad if you gave me just one night - this one night? So I could fall asleep knowing I'm safe because you're sleeping on the floor right next to me? Knowing if I did have another nightmare, you could hold on to me and talk to me and bring me back?

That's why I can't sleep now. You're not here, and I won't be able to follow your voice home like I did when I was taken over. I've never told anyone this, but that's what happened. I could hear Mom and Jonathan, but they were too far away for me to really hold onto. Then I heard you, and your voice was so soft like you always are when you talk to me, but I could understand every word. You brought me back, just enough so that I could tell you to close the gate.

And I know it’s all over now … but I’m still so scared. And I can’t tell anybody, because Mom and El are still grieving for Hopper, and Jonathan - it’s like he’s checked out altogether. I can’t even tell you, only through this stupid scribbling that I’m trying to pretend is a letter I would ever let you see.

I miss you, Mike. I miss you so much. I feel so alone.

Love, Will

Chapter Text

November 10, 1985

Dear Mike-who-is-my-diary-substitute,

Maybe this school isn’t completely awful, after all.

I was outside at lunch yesterday - the seniors needed the art room to work on their big projects. El had a remedial math lesson, so I decided to just find somewhere I could go where I wouldn’t attract attention, and do some drawing. Of course, that didn’t work. I was about halfway across the quad when I got bumped. You know, that ‘accidental’ bump that just happens to knock you over and send all your books flying. I thought I was in for it again, but lucky for me one of them noticed a teacher nearby and they just walked off laughing like they’d heard the best joke ever.

I was picking all my stuff up, and I didn’t notice that someone else was there. He’d picked up one of my sketchbooks, and was looking through it. I didn’t know what to do. I was sure that he was going to rip it up or steal it, but he wasn’t even looking at me. It was like he couldn’t tear his eyes away, and his face got more and more surprised. That’s when I realised he’d picked up my other sketchbook, the one I don’t show anyone.

The one that’s full of drawings about the Upside Down.

You’d probably say that’s not healthy. I know Mom and Jonathan would, maybe even El. But … i’s hard to explain, but I feel like if I can get them out of my head and on the page, then they can’t hurt me. Like I’ve trapped them somehow. Wow, that looks so stupid when I read it back. It doesn’t stop the nightmares - I’m not sure anything will do that - but it helps.

Anyway, that was the sketchbook this guy was looking at, and his eyes were practically bugging out. And then he looked at me and said the last thing I expected. He said the drawings were awesome. I didn’t know what to say, but I guess something must have shown on my face because he came over and started just babbling at me about how I had an incredible imagination and he wished he could draw like that. And he was actually sincere about everything he was saying.

He reminded me of how you used to get when I showed you a new drawing - I half expected he was going to run off and pin them up in his basement or something. Not that I think anyone would want to put this stuff up on their walls!

Eventually he told me his name was Javier (pronounced the Spanish way, it’s a Mexican name - there are a lot of Latino kids here). So I told him mine, and we ended up sitting down and talking for the rest of the lunch break. It was easy to talk to him, which I am still a bit weirded out about. He’s on the track team - he’s not a jock, though, but he also likes comics and writing stories about comic characters. No D&D, but I guess no one’s perfect, ha ha. Of course I didn’t tell him anything about the last few years. I just gave him the story that Dr Owens came up with for all of us, that El’s stepdad had died and we came out here for a new start.

Not so far from the truth, really, if you ignore the bits about other dimensions and monsters.

I didn’t see him after lunch, and I really didn’t expect to talk to him again. But then today he came up to me again and asked if I wanted to sit with him and look at his new comic. And I did. You’d be proud of me, Mike, I actually remembered how to act like a normal person.

I like him, and I think we might be becoming friends. He’s not you the Party, of course, no one will ever replace you. But it’s nice to feel a little less lonely.

Love,

Will

P.S. Javi came up to us while we were waiting for Jonathan and Argyle after school (Argyle is Jonathan’s stoner friend, he works for a pizza parlor and drives the store’s van, and he drives us because Jonathan’s car is a rusty useless heap these days). I introduced him to El - she was pretty suspicious of him at first, but I think she warmed up to him when she saw that he really was being friendly. She did tell me tonight that if he wasn’t a good friend she would make him go away even if she didn’t have her powers, which was pretty cute.

*****

November 11 1985

Dear Will,

El told me you made a new friend. I didn’t really hear the name, because Dustin’s Cerebro was full of static last night, but he she told me that he seems “okay”. And that you really like him.

That’s good, isn’t it? It is good. I should be happy for you, and I am because I don’t want you to be miserable and lonely out in California. But I’m also …… I don’t know. It feels weird. El said you talked to him about comics and your art, she said it was good that you were smiling because you haven’t been smiling much since you left. And I’m such a shit, because all I could think was, are you replacing me?

Dumb, right? I’m not jealous of Lucas or Dustin, I know people can have lots of friends. But I’m stuck here and he’s right there, and part of me hates that he’s so close. A big part of me hates it. You can do all the stuff with him that we used to do together, so then why would you need me anymore?

I keep telling myself that’s stupid, even if he does become a really good friend, he can never be your best friend because he wasn’t here when it counted. He doesn’t know about everything that happened (unless you tell him, and I think you won’t hope you won’t am pretty sure you’re not allowed to).

This is so screwed up. I feel a bit like I did when El first made friends with Max, only this is much worse. You’re thousands of miles away and I can’t tell this new person to back off. I shouldn’t want to do that anyway!! Why am I so pathetic?

Sorry, Will, another letter your shitty friend isn’t going to actually mail.

Love, Mike

Chapter Text

November 13, 1985

Dear Mike,

I don’t get it. Why didn’t you tell me? Did you think I’d be mad that you joined a D&D club?

I’m not mad about it. I’m a little freaked out, because since when did anyone else in Hawkins play D&D - and at school?! But I’m not … I just don’t understand.

I even found out by accident, because I’m pretty sure Dustin didn’t mean to let it slip when we talked on the phone a couple of days ago (and that was a surprise, him calling me at all, not that I’m complaining!). He was just talking at light speed as usual, and suddenly he just dried up. The next thing I know, he’s apologising and falling all over himself. And he made me swear not to tell you I found out, which makes no sense. (And which is why I’m yet again writing a letter that I’m never going to send, because I did promise him.) The only reason I can think of is he thought you’d be mad because I found out - and the only reason for that I can think of is you thought I’d be mad.

I get it, Mike. You like playing D&D. Why would I be angry that you’re playing it?

It does hurt a bit - I won’t lie to you about that - but not for the reasons you probably think. I don’t feel abandoned or betrayed or anything, just … lonely, I guess.

There’s nobody here. Well, my family is here, but we’re just not close like we were. Mom is always working. It’s great that she works from home, and she loves her job, but she’s on the phone all day and sometimes half the night too, and she doesn’t have a lot of energy left over. And Jonathan - even when he’s home, he’s usually in his room getting high. (I think he feels bad about it sometimes. He asked me yesterday if I wanted to go see the new horror movie Fright Night with him on the weekend, but I’d rather wait and see it at Christmas time with you all. I figure it will probably take that long to make it to the cinema in Hawkins now that the Mall is gone.) And things with El are really complicated because things at school haven’t got better, as you know. Maybe you could ask Max to give El some advice? She’s not scared of anything or anyone.

Apart from them, I haven’t really got anyone. Well, there’s Javi, I guess, but it’s not like we could ever be really close friends. Every time I talk to him, I’ll be lying - because how could I ever tell him the truth? And even if I thought he’d believe stories about monsters and other dimensions, how would I explain El? (Hey, Javi, you know my sister? She escaped from a secret government lab and she used to have psychic powers, it’s a long story.) I couldn’t do that to her. She’s having enough trouble just trying to act like an ordinary person, if I betrayed her trust like that I’d just make it impossible.

So, yeah - I could maybe hang out a bit with Javi, but he’ll never know who I actually am.

I guess it’s really hitting home for me how lucky I was back home (I still think of it as home, which I suppose is a bad sign), because I always had you, and the others. I never had to face school stuff alone. You always had my back.

But I’m not saying this just to complain. I’m saying I understand that you would find other friends, especially without me taking up so much time - because I realise now how selfish I’ve been. My being painfully awkward was no excuse for monopolising you. So, yeah, it does hurt a bit, but I’m happy you have new friends and you’re playing D&D again. I really am. I just need to find a way to let you know without letting you know I know, good grief, that sentence makes no sense.

It doesn’t look like we’ll make it for Thanksgiving, because of Mom’s work, and we don’t want to leave her alone even though she said it was fine. (It’s obviously not fine, because I can still hear her crying sometimes when she thinks we’re all asleep). She said that Christmas is definitely still happening, though, so maybe I can talk to you about it then, face to face.

Who knows? Maybe by then I might even have been brave enough to talk to someone new. I’ll just imagine I’m you hanging out with the Hellfire Club guys, maybe then my tongue will unfreeze.

Love,

Will.

*****

November 14 1985

Dear Will,

Seriously, man, what is wrong with your phone? It’s always busy – like, always. No one can talk that much. It’s driving me crazy, because I need to tell you something and it’s not gonna work in a letter (and yeah I know, I’m writing a letter now, but that’s just to get my thoughts in order), I need to be able to explain and answer your questions right then. Because you will have questions and I really really really don’t want you to get the wrong idea.

You see, it turns out that yeah, high school still sucks, but I found something that makes it suck less. Well Dustin found it first, but anyway ….. There’s this guy, a senior. His name’s Eddie Munson and if you can believe it, he’s actually pretty cool. He reminds me of Jonathan a bit, but like if Jonathan didn’t have that awkward thing going – not that there’s anything wrong with Jonathan! What I mean is, Eddie’s into some really great music, he’s even in a band (he said he’ll teach me to play guitar so watch out MTV, here I come), and he’s kind of a nerd like us. I think you’d like him. He can be a little outrageous, but in a really excellent way. And he doesn’t give a shit about what anyone thinks of him, it’s bananas. He’s repeating senior year, so of course people get on his case about it, but he just lets it roll right off his back. I wish I had half his courage.

But the best thing – and this is why I need to talk to you personally, and why I’m writing it out ahead of time – is that he plays D&D. Not only that, he runs a D&D club at school! It’s called the Hellfire Club and ……. well …. to cut a long story short, he asked Dustin and Lucas and me if we wanted to join. And we did.

Before you get mad, let me explain.

We’re not replacing you. That would never ever happen, even if the others felt that way – which they don’t, don’t get me wrong! — I wouldn’t betray you like that. When you come to visit, we’re still going to be the Party because that will never change. This is just something extra because I we miss playing. I’m not even a paladin in Hellfire, I’m just a big dumb fighter. (That drives Dustin crazy because his character has a really high Intelligence, surprise surprise.) I wouldn’t want to be my paladin anyway, not without Will the Wise at my side.

I’ve told Eddie all about you, and he said as far as he’s concerned you’re an honorary member already, so when you come back to visit he’s going to run a special game for all of us to play. I think it’ll be awesome, I can’t wait for you two to meet. Don’t let his crazy loud shit fool you, underneath that he’s a good friend even to freshers like us, and I have a really good feeling that you’ll like him even though you’re kinda opposite personalities.)

I really need you to understand that I didn’t just abandon our Party, and that’s why I need to get through to you on the phone. Something’s got to be wrong with it, because I know it’s not Jonathan calling to talk to Nancy – they have some weird routine where they arrange calls ahead of time, and let’s face it, Jonathan doesn’t exactly talk much anyway – and it’s not El, obviously (I don’t know if she even talks to her friends on the phone, maybe she’s not allowed to), and it’s not your Mom because who would she call in Hawkins? My Mom, maybe, and I can tell you that she is so busy with her social group that she’s hardly ever home after dinner anymore. I don’t know what they do, but Mom’s acting weird these days, she’s even dressing weird, like she’s a teenager again. Ugh. I don’t want to know. But if it’s not them, then the only explanation is that your phone is broken or something.

Wait. God, I’m dumb. Of course that’s not the only explanation. Way to be a selfish jerk, Wheeler.

El already told me about your new friend, so I guess between that and her calling her friends that she talks about all the time, your phone would be busy a lot.

I know you said you’d never join another Party, and of course I believe you, but you didn’t promise to never make new friends. I guess I really am as self-centred as Dad says I am because honestly, the thought is just weird. Not that you’re weird! Well you are, but in a good way, I just meant the idea of you having other friends is weird – and that looks so bad now I write it out. Why wouldn’t you have new friends? You’re amazing and talented and loyal and not everyone in the world is too stupid to realise that. Maybe here in Hawkins they are, but California isn’t like here. I mean, if people want to be friends with El then they’ll definitely want to be friends with you. Maybe you only have one new friend so far, but obviously you’ll meet his friends and pretty soon you’ll have a whole new group to hang out with.

So here am I assuming your phone is busted, and maybe the truth is just that I need to realise your life doesn’t revolve around me. Dad kept telling me things would change and as much as I hate to admit it, maybe he had a point. And maybe I need to accept that. (What is this? What is happening to the world when I agree with Dad???)

Just don’t forget about me. Please don’t.

I still don’t want to tell you about Hellfire in a letter, though – definitely not this one, because it’s a mess. I guess I’ll just keep trying to call, and maybe I’ll get lucky.

Love, Mike

Chapter Text

November 23, 1985

Dear Mike,

I’m so angry right now I’m shaking, which of course means my writing is shit. Not that it matters, it’s not like you’ll read this. I don’t know why I feel compelled to still make these into letters when I know I won’t send them, but whatever. That’s not important.

Mom just told us we’re not going back to Hawkins for Christmas. She said it was something to do with her work, and she left it too late to get plane tickets, and etc etc etc. Honestly, I lost track of all the reasons why it’s not happening, but the point is, I don’t care why.

We can’t even drive there, because Jonathan’s car is basically just a heap of rust sitting in the driveway and he won’t stay sober long enough to get around to fixing it. And it’s like he doesn’t care that much anyway! When Mom dropped the bombshell he just shrugged and looked disappointed, but then he just went back to his room. He’s supposed to be in love with Nancy, but he acted like he wasn’t upset.

El, of course, threw a tantrum about it. Screaming, hysterical tears, everything, she was like a little kid. I was actually glad El doesn’t have her powers anymore, because I’ve seen what she could do when she got angry. Of course Mom immediately went into comfort mode to calm her down.

And I did what I always do. I shut my mouth and said nothing and came in here (obviously I’m in my room) and now I’m taking out all my frustration on this stupid diary/letter thing. Because who else am I going to talk to? Mom barely has time for me anymore, because she’s always looking after El. She’s still super controlling (Every other kid in my class rides the bus or bikes home, but oh no, she still insists that we get picked up from school), but it’s like she doesn’t care how I actually feel about it.

I can’t believe she did this. She promised us when we couldn’t come for Thanksgiving that she would make sure we made it for Christmas - and she couldn’t even make plane bookings ahead of time??? Even if she wasn’t thinking about me, why didn’t she think about Jonathan and El? I know they miss Nancy and you (El never stops talking about it), so why couldn’t Mom at least remember that?

I can’t remember the last time I was so angry. No, that’s not true. I can. I’ll never forget it. That fight we had, it’s like it’s permanently etched into my brain. I was so mad at you and Lucas … and then you said that. Like you hadn’t been there every time I cried when someone said that to me.

And the worst thing was, I couldn’t hate you. Just like I can’t hate Mom for screwing up Christmas, and I can’t hate El for acting like a bratty kid or Jonathan for running away from everything. Because I understand. I wish I didn’t, but I do.

I know they’re all struggling because we had to trash our entire lives and start again. I know Mom’s doing her best to look after us and help us with our problems even though she’s still so sad. I know El never learned not to act out and I know she’s not coping without having her powers. I mean, she’s always had them, and now she’s lost a part of herself. And how can I blame Jonathan for wanting not to be the man of the house for once? After everything he’s done - sticking up for me and protecting me from Dad, practically raising me once Mom finally kicked him out and had to go to work - anyone else would have snapped years ago.

(That’s without all the shit I dragged everyone through because I didn’t stop to think that maybe I should have just stayed at your house that night, and then none of you would ever have had to find out about the Upside Down.)

And that’s why I couldn’t hate you then, and why I never will. Because you had a reason to say what you did. Because you were right. I know that now. No, I always knew it, deep down, but I told myself it wasn’t true.

Everyone was right. Troy. Dad.

You.

I don’t

I’m exactly what th

I am

God. I’m such a coward, I can’t even write it.

*****

November 25 1985

Dear Will,

I can’t wait to see you for Christmas. I’ve still got the mixtape I made you, and I already know what else I’m going to get when we go shopping for gifts. I know you’d say I don’t have to get you anything, but I wouldn’t listen anyway.

It’s going to be so great. I’ve got so much I want to tell you. We can play D&D - I’ve written a mini-campaign just for the Party, in case you decide you don’t want to come to Hellfire (but I know you’ll like Eddie, and I really want you to meet him). We could go to a movie, too. Mom’s already said you can sleep in my room. She’s already decided El will stay in Nancy’s room, and Jonathan in the basement, so your Mom can have a room to herself.

It hasn’t snowed yet, but I’m still hoping. There’s a snowball out there with your name on it, Byers.

It’ll be like old times. Even better, because this year we get to open our presents together and not have to wait to see each other until after Christmas lunch.

You know, I get it now. What you said that day when I was so shitty to you, how you thought our lives would always be hanging out and campaigning. I didn’t realize how much it meant to me until it all stopped, because the closer it gets to Christmas, the more excited I get. Just call me Sir Mike the Dumbass, I guess.

It’s weird, though. I realized something else, and I’m pretty sure that it makes me a really shitty boyfriend. I’m more excited about seeing you than I am about seeing El. Because I miss you more. Even after all this time, I can’t get used to you not being here. That makes me feel like I’m a crap person. She’s my girlfriend. I’m supposed to miss her – and I do, but it’s not the same. Maybe it’s because El and I write letters to each other all the time. Or maybe it’s just that I’ve known you longer than anyone other than my family.

Mostly, I think it’s because you – more than anyone else – understand who I am . Sometimes I think you know me better than I know myself. You definitely always know when I’m being an idiot, I can’t count how many times you’ve saved me from making a total ass of myself. And we have that thing where it feels like we know how each other is thinking. At least we did, before I screwed that up.

It’s just ……. I don’t know. I’m the world’s worst boyfriend. I never know what to write in my letters to her, I am literally making it up as I go along. Mostly I just talk about what she’s told me in her letters. (But at least I’m writing to her, and not writing long epics full of angst that I never send, like I do with you. Guess that makes me the world’s worst best friend, too.)

This letter is a disaster. Time to start again.

Love, Mike

PS – you know what’s really pathetic? I’ve kept every letter I didn’t send to you. I don’t know why. It’s not like I’m ever going to let you see them.

Chapter Text

November 30 1985

Dear Will,

What the HELL??? Mom just told us you’re not coming for Christmas!

Your Mom couldn’t get plane tickets? What was she thinking?? We had this planned since before you guys even left! Did she forget? Is that even possible? Doesn’t she realise how important this is?

I want to strangle your Mom – or at least scream at her.

I want to scream at you too, if you’d answer your stupid phone. Why didn’t you remind her to get tickets? Don’t you want to come? Maybe you don’t, because – I don’t know, you’re still mad at me or whatever – but what about El and Jonathan? Do you really hate it that much that we’re together? Do you even care how I feel?

You promised me , Will. How could you break a sacred oath?

*****

December 2, 1985

Dear Mike,

Things have calmed down a bit, but there’s something I

I really need to

I don’t know if I can

*****

December 2 1985

Dear Will,

Obviously I didn’t send the last letter I wrote, and I won’t send this one either, but anyway.

That letter was really shitty. I shouldn’t have blamed you for what your Mom did. I was just so …..it doesn’t matter because I was wrong. Of course you care and of course you feel just as bad as I do – no, obviously you feel worse. I’ll try again to call you.

I know you’ll never know what an asshole I was being, but I’m sorry.

Love, Mike

Chapter Text

December 8 1985

Dear Will,

Well, I got El’s letter, and wow was she pissed about Christmas. It’s lucky she didn’t have her powers because I think she would have smashed every window in your house.

Jonathan called Nancy, too. I don’t know what he said to her but she’s been biting everyone’s heads off all the time ever since, so yeah.

But nothing from you. You’re still radio silent and I’ve about given up on trying to get through on your stupid phone.

Are you okay?

It’s dumb, because there’s no way you could know how shitty I was being about you not coming for Christmas, but I feel like I should apologize again anyway. Or, you know, actually apologize to so you'll see and hear it.

I don’t know why I can’t just send a damn letter, but it feels like …… I don’t know how to put it. It’s like the longer it goes on the less I feel like I can . Does that make sense? Of course it doesn’t make sense. I need to just stop worrying about it and do it.

Not this time, though.

Love, Mike

*****

December 8, 1985

Dear Mike,

I used to tell you everything. More than I ever told the rest of our friends, or Mom, or Jonathan. I don’t know, I just always knew I could trust you. And I still feel like that, but …

I don’t think I can tell you this. I wouldn’t even know where to start.

Chapter Text

December 10 1985

Dear Will,

What evil asshole invented early morning pep rallies? I can barely get out of bed in time for school anyway, but now they expect me to not only get there early, they want me to be happy about it?!?!

The school says it’s not compulsory, but then they go on about school spirit and all that bullshit, so nobody has much of a choice. Well, Eddie doesn’t go to them – he calls it forced conformity and says he won’t pretend to feel shit for anyone. He’s lucky though, he doesn’t have a big sister to make him go. Plus with Lucas is on the basketball team we kind of have to be there (even if he’s been benched for every game so far).

It’s just so fake and pointless though. Everybody claps and cheers and acts like it’s the most exciting thing in the world to watch a bunch of cheerleaders and jocks get all the attention, when half the kids in the bleachers couldn’t care less whether we win the trophy. They act like it’s the most important thing in the world, when it doesn’t mean shit compared to what’s really going on. Sometimes I just want to yell in their faces “there are monsters out there!”

Dustin agrees with me although he also thinks it’s important to go along with it. And I get it, I guess (even if I hate it). So we go along and just try to blend in.

Dustin said something weird at the rally this morning. He said he and Suzy had been talked about getting married, and even having kids! Like, a lot of kids – it seems Mormons are all supposed to have big families, Suzy’s got at least four brothers and sisters. I thought Dustin would freak out about that, since he’s an only child, but he said he liked the idea. We’re barely in high school and he’s already planning out his entire future with her.

Even Lucas talks like that about Max sometimes – when he’s not trying to get her back after she’s broken up with him yet again. (She’s sort of pulled away from all of us lately, we don’t hang out as much as we used to. And yeah okay I didn’t want her in the Party to start with but she is one of us now.)

And I’m thinking, is this normal? Is this what everybody who dates thinks about? Should I be thinking about this for me and El? I think about my Mom and Dad, and the idea of ending up like that makes me want to run for the hills.

I just don’t get it. I don’t understand why everyone I know wants to jump right into something so …… permanent. Is there something wrong with me? Because I don’t think about these things, I can’t even figure out how to be a boyfriend let alone a husband or Dad!!

I can’t believe I gave you that bullshit about growing up and getting girlfriends. I was really talking out of my ass that night. And I still don’t know why I got so pissed off with you and you have no idea how much it bugs me. You didn’t say anything that I wasn’t already thinking. Yeah, my mind wasn’t on the game, and I was trying to figure out how to make things up with El, but to be honest there was a big part of me that was wondering if it wouldn’t be better to stay broken up because things would be way less complicated. Which is really crappy and selfish of me, I know.

And it was even more crappy of me to get mad at you about it. None of it was your fault.

I just wish I was brave enough to admit that to you.

Love, Mike

*****

December 12, 1985

Dear Mike,

It’s my fault. All of it. I fucked things up for everyone. Again. I didn’t even know I was doing it, but I did.

I was coming downstairs to get a snack, and I heard Mom and Jonathan in the kitchen. They were fighting, but like they didn’t want anyone else to hear it, you know, whisper-shouting? I heard Mom say, “Well, what am I supposed to tell your brother?” and I stopped dead before they could see me. And then Jonathan said maybe Mom shouldn’t have given me that bullshit excuse in the first place.

So I listened. And now I kind of wish I hadn’t.

We didn’t leave Hawkins because of El. The lab had been closed down, and Dr Owens - well, we didn’t know if he was alive or dead, but he was on our side anyway, so he wasn’t a problem. El could have been Hopper’s niece from out of town who had to live with us, or a long-lost cousin of ours, and she could have gone to school with us, and it would have been fine. That was what Mom and Jonathan had originally planned to do!

But I guess that wasn’t enough for Mom, because even though El closed the gate, Mom said I wasn’t safe. She thought it was over after she got me back from the Upside Down, but then the shadow monster got me, so why couldn’t it happen again? I was “vulnerable”, she said.

So she just made the decision to tear up all our lives and move out here because of me. Because I might, maybe, one day be in danger again. She swore Jonathan to secrecy and lied to me and El. And here we are.

That excuse about not being able to get plane tickets was a lie, too. She never intended to let us come back home to Hawkins for Christmas, or for Thanksgiving either. Jonathan told her he went along with it, but he hated doing it. Maybe. But he did it. All because of me.

I’m so mad at her. It’s like she can’t stop trying to control my life - but I also know she’s doing it because she’s scared. Maybe she even has reason to be. Maybe if we’d stayed the Upside Down could have found a way to get me again.

But then she should have just sent me away! I should have gone, and they could have stayed, and you’d be with El, and Jonathan could be with Nancy. El wouldn’t get bullied because you’d be there at school to stick up for her, and Dustin and Lucas and Max would too. She’d be happy! Jonathan definitely wouldn’t be getting high every day, even Mom would have her friends like your Mom and a job where she didn’t have to hassle people on the phone all day to buy stupid encyclopedias.

It’s all my fault. I’ve ruined everyone’s life, especially yours.

Mom got what she wanted. I can never go back to Hawkins, because how could I ever look you in the eye again?

I’m so sorry, Mike.

Love,

Will

Chapter Text

December 13 1985

Dear Will,

Can we just ship all parents off to a desert island or something??!

They have completely screwed up Christmas for us. Not just your Mom, but mine too, and as for my Dad ….

I actually called the airline to see if there were still a few tickets for me and Nancy to go to California – and there were! We could go to you, even if you couldn’t come to us! So I told Mom and you know what she said? She’d made other plans! We were going to visit our stupid relatives instead. In Centerville, which is even more boring than Hawkins! Of course I said why couldn’t they go, and Nancy and me could go to California, but she went on and on saying we hadn’t visited for years and my aunt and uncle would want to see how much we’d grown, blah blah blah blah. As if it’s going to be anything but a few really boring lunches and then me sitting around in some motel room going out of my mind with boredom.

Mom was like, oh you could go to the movies with your cousins and Holly. Seriously?! They’re kids. They probably still think Disney is cool.

I was arguing with Mom and Dad was just sitting there reading his paper like he always does and then suddenly he says, it’s for the best that you couldn’t come! He starts in on this complete bullshit about it being inevitable that we’d drift apart eventually and it was better to make a clean break now. So I told him it was bullshit.

And then Dad says he’s glad that you moved away!! Because he didn’t think it was “healthy” for me to be your friend! He says he would have “put his foot down” soon, even if you had stayed in Hawkins!

I just started yelling at him, and I know I scared Holly, but I was just so angry !

NO ONE gets to separate us, Will. I don’t care who they are. Even if you’re thousands of miles away – even if you’re on another planet! You belong with me and I belong with you and NO ONE can screw with that. The idea that Dad thought he could just tell me not to be friends with you anymore??? Because what? He doesn’t approve of you? Fuck him.

I told him I knew why he was saying it, because he thinks you’re gay and somehow you’re going to make me that way too. (Well, I yelled a different word at him but I’m not going to write it here.) I told him I didn’t care even if you were, and so what if you are anyway? That doesn’t change anything. It doesn’t make you bad or wrong or a bad influence or whatever. I said I would NEVER turn my back on you and if he didn’t like it he could piss off.

So, naturally, I’m grounded. No hanging out with friends, no D&D, no phone, no nothing until we leave for fucking Centerville. I can’t even be in my basement. I have to go straight to my room after school and not come out except for dinner.

I don’t care. I hate him. I hate them both.

I’m so sick of people saying this shit about you, Will. They don’t know you at all, not like I do. So they don’t get to judge you. Hell, I shouldn’t judge you, and I know I have, and I will feel bad about that for the rest of my life.

You’re not bad. You’re not wrong. You’re a great artist and a great D&D player. You’re the best person I’ve ever known. I’ll never understand why you agreed to be my friend, but I’m so glad you did. I don’t care if you’re gay or crazy or an alien from Tattooine, because you are awesome. And I’ll fight anyone who says you’re not or who tries to take you away from me.

Guys aren’t supposed to tell each other they love them, but fuck that.

Love, Mike

*****

December 14, 1985

Dear Mike,

I want to

Why is it so hard to just wr

Chapter Text

December 20 1985

Dear Will,

Mom took pity on me and un-grounded me. Dad was pissed about it but he didn’t try to stop her. Not that he ever does, really – I don’t think they’ve ever really had a fight, not a yelling and screaming one anyway. Mostly he just complains and then lets Mom do what she wants anyway. I’d like to think it’s because he knows she’s right, but actually I bet it’s because he just doesn’t really care. Unless it’s something that he thinks will make the family look bad, of course. I know he’s not happy about Nancy dating Jonathan but at least he knows Jonathan is a good guy, so he shuts up about it.

Actually I kinda want to see him try to tell Nancy she can’t see Jonathan anymore. He has no idea how much of a badass my sister is now. That would be sweet.

Anyway, I’m allowed to go out and have a normal life, so Eddie is running a special mini campaign on Sunday before everyone goes off to do Christmas things. We had to make up new characters for it – I can’t decide between a half-orc fighter and a half-elf thief. Maybe the thief, even though I never play that class.

Speaking of D&D, one of the other guys in the Hellfire Club plays a cleric but a completely different kind from yours. Gareth’s cleric is really into hitting things with his mace and he barely even does healing spells for us. Just between you and me (or me and imaginary you I talk to in these letters), it sucks. I’d much rather have Will the Wise. Obviously I’m never gonna tell him that, but still. At least it means that when you finally come back to see us, you can be your cleric again, because we need a good spellcaster. And I’ll play my paladin.

We’re leaving for Centerville straight after school on Monday. Which also sucks.

We got the Christmas card your Mom sent us. Holly loves the drawing you did of her – she says we have to call her “Princess Christmas” now, and she wants Mom to buy her a dress that looks like the one you drew. She also said she’s gonna marry you when she grows up, and when Dad heard that his face was amazing . It was so hard not to laugh my ass off.

I wish I could drive. I wish that rocket ship you drew for me was real so I could get in it and fly to California. It would be worth getting grounded again.

Love, Mike

*****

December 21, 1985

Dear Mike,

I have to pull myself together, for El’s sake. She doesn’t know the real reason we moved, and I don’t want her to know. Is that selfish? I guess it is. We’re just starting to be friends, and if she knew, she’d hate me. She’d have reason to.

Mom asked me what was wrong yesterday. I told her it was just school stuff - I don’t know if she believed me, but she didn’t push it, so hopefully she’ll drop it if I start acting like things are okay.

I can’t believe how much I’m complaining in these diary-letter things. If you were reading them, you’d probably be rolling your eyes about it. But if these were real letters, I wouldn’t ay half the stuff I do. I’d spend more time asking about how you’re doing.

The thing is, though, you barely write. I know some of that’s on me, too, because I don’t exactly write much that I actually send to you, but … I don’t know. Should I actually write more real letters, or would that be a mistake? Maybe you’re not writing because you don’t want to. I know it’s not that you can’t, El gets a letter every week, but I haven’t had a letter in ages. We don’t talk on the phone either. I don’t know what the right thing to do is.

And there I go complaining again. I suck. I hope you have a good Christmas even though you have to go visit your relatives (El told me your Mom is taking you to Ohio? Gross.). I made you a mixtape for your present, but I’m not sure if I can mail it safely. If I can, it won’t get there until long after Christmas, but it’s the thought that counts, Mom says.

Love,

Will

Chapter Text

December 25, 1985

Dear Mike,

It’s Christmas Night now. Everyone else is watching “It’s A Wonderful Life” on TV, but I’m in my room. I told Mom I had a headache, which isn’t really a lie. Today was weird.

I mean, not weird by our usual standards. Not weird like throwing up slugs and seeing the Upside Down in the bathroom, which was last Christmas. (Did I ever tell you that? I don’t know if I did. It’s hard to remember a lot of what happened in the last year, but I know there was so much I didn’t tell anyone.) But weird because it wasn’t like any other Christmas I’ve ever had.

It was pretty normal at first. El woke everyone up early, and we had pancakes and waffles for breakfast. El insisted on Eggos, I don’t know how she hasn’t got bored of them yet. Then we had our Christmas stockings, and were allowed one small present each. Of course El wanted to know why we couldn’t open them all, so that was a bunch of explaining. There’s so much she missed out on when she was in that lab. I thought Hopper would have told her all about stuff like this - but then last Christmas was just after everything, so I guess it might have made it difficult. Mom tried to make things normal for us, maybe Hopper couldn’t really do that. I’m not going to ask El, I don’t want to upset her by making her think about Hopper.

Back to the small presents. Mom got Jonathan a bumper sticker that said ‘this is not an abandoned car’. You should have seen his face. He wasn’t mad, though. El gave me a friendship bracelet she made. That wasn’t really a surprise, because she sat in the art room practising how to make them for all of us, it was sweet. And Jonathan got Mom some fridge magnets! I couldn’t believe it, but Mom just laughed and made a joke about how at least these ones would stay on the fridge.

After that was when it started to get weird. Usually we’d all be running around helping make Christmas dinner, but this year Mom took us to a restaurant. I didn’t even know you could have Christmas at a restaurant. So we had nothing to do except get ready to go out. Mostly that was waiting for Mom and El to be ready, because Mom decided to do El’s hair.

There were a lot of families doing the same thing as us. Maybe it’s just something people do in California. It was good, I guess - the food was good, anyway. But it felt wrong to be having Christmas right in the middle of a bunch of strangers who didn’t talk to each other, and the weather was all wrong, too. No snow, of course, it actually felt like early summer. Not really the time to be eating roast turkey.

There were lots of kids running around the restaurant and in the play area. Some of them were probably only a couple of years younger than us. They acted like they’d never had a problem in their entire lives, and it made me feel … old, I guess. That looks so stupid now I write it, I just don’t have a better way to explain it. None of those kids ever had to run away from a monster, or had to hide from the government because they wanted to keep experimenting on them. They don’t know how it feels to see their friends and families sacrifice themselves to save everyone else.

They don’t know what it’s like to be locked up inside your own head screaming to get out while something uses your voice and pretends to be you and gets people killed.

It made me kinda want to jump up and scream, “you have no idea what’s really out there!” Of course, I didn’t. I never do.

Anyway. We opened the rest of the presents when we got home. El will probably tell you all about them in her next letter. I think you’ll be as surprised as I was when you find out what she got me - “The Neverending Story” on video! I’m pretty sure Jonathan was in on it, he probably helped her buy it, but Mom had no idea. For a minute, she looked a bit sad, but then El started singing the song, and Jonathan joined in, and we all ended up laughing about it. She wanted us to watch it right then, of course. Mom persuaded her to wait until tomorrow, because Christmas night movies are traditional.

There was one other weird thing today. Mom’s present to me was a book. I don’t know if you’ll remember, I borrowed it from the library, and I loved it so much I made the rest of the Party read it. (I got a fine because it took us all so long, you helped me pay it from your allowance.) I guess Mom remembered how much I liked it, so she bought me my own copy. The story’s called “A Wrinkle In Time”.

I started reading it, and I started to remember the story, and I got chills. Obviously it’s just a coincidence, I know that, it just … There’s a boy in the story who is helping fight the alien/monster (it’s called “IT”, pretty unimaginative, right), and it casts a spell on him or something. And he gets taken over. IT uses him to try to hurt his sister and their best friend.

That’s when I said I had a headache and came in here. I didn’t want Mom to see that I was freaking out a bit. I know it’s stupid, that book is practically ancient, and there’s no way the author could know what happened to me. It just hit too close to home.

I’m never going to be free of this, am I? No matter how far I move away or how long ago it gets to be.

I hope your Christmas was good, Mike. I really missed not being able to bike over to your place and drink hot chocolate and play with our presents. I even missed going back home all loaded up with your Mom’s Christmas cookies and cake and riding really carefully so everything doesn’t fall off.

I’m going to try to write to you more often. Really write, I mean, not just pretend like I’m doing here. I miss you.

Love,

Will

*****

December 25 1985

Dear Will,

Kill me. Just kill me. This is the worst Christmas ever. It’s not even snowing properly.

We went carrolling, if you can believe it. Mom made us dress up in these gross sweaters and Aunt Janey gave us each a matching scarf and hat and mittens. They took photos of us! I plan to find them and burn them because no one should ever see them, not even you.

And then we had to go look at all the decorations around town, and then we had to go to church on Christmas Eve! Because that’s what my aunt and uncle and my stupid cousins do every year, apparently. It was so boring.

This whole vacation has been like that, in fact, just like I said it would. Nancy of course fit right in, talking to the adults about college and to our older cousins about fashion and makeup. It was complete bullshit, because she could care less about fashion these days. And why should she? When you’ve been fighting monsters from another dimension the last thing that matters is what your makeup looks like, right? But she’s good at saying what people want to hear, so if she is rolling her eyes at them she’s doing it on the inside.

Meanwhile I keep getting stuck being a babysitter for Holly and the little cousins. That’s going about as well as you might expect. I had to take them to the movies to see this lame Christmas thing – I don’t even remember what it was about because I kept having to take them to the stupid bathroom. Mom wouldn’t let me go on my own to see Young Sherlock Holmes or Jewel of the Nile, of course.

I hope you’ve had a chance to see those movies. I really like the idea of Sherlock Holmes being a kid like us. Have you seen the poster? He It looks fantastic.

Today is terrible. Aunt Janey and Mom worked out a schedule and they’re being total drill sergeants about it. One present before breakfast, then church again , then lunch, then the rest of the presents, then finally dinner. And more carols, yippee.

The one good thing to come out of today is that Nancy gave me a Walkman, so at least I can escape a bit. I’ve been playing the mixtape I made for you – don’t worry, I won’t wear it out – it makes me feel a bit closer to you.

I can’t stop thinking about what today was supposed to be like. I finally got a minute to myself, so I decided to sneak off and just write down how it should have been.

We’d definitely have woken up too early to see what was in our stockings. We’d wake up El, so Holly would be awake too, but that wouldn’t be so bad because she still thinks you’re the best ever. (She even told me once that you would be a better brother for her than I am, and we should swap places!)

Naturally we’d make too much noise and wake everyone else up. We’d have pancakes for breakfast (I guess El would want Eggos) and we’d all still be in our pyjamas when we started opening presents. I’m trying to picture what your face would look like when you listen to the mixtape, and when you see the sketchbook and pencils I got for you. (I got Mom to take me to a specialist art store in Indianapolis. The clerk there said the pencils were proper artists’ ones, so you won’t have to use ordinary school ones anymore.)

I have no idea what you would get for me, but your presents are always the best, so I know I’d love it.

I had to ask Max for help in getting a present for El. You can imagine how much she ragged on me about that. (I guess I deserved it, but how am I supposed to know what you give your girlfriend for Christmas? I can’t just give her the same sort of thing I’d get for Mom or Nancy.) That was an excruciating shopping trip, and I’m pretty sure Max is never gonna let me forget it. It was good, though, she seemed happier than she has been lately, so I didn’t really mind her being all sarcastic to me if it makes her feel better. And I’ll never admit it to her face, but I am kinda getting to like her attitude.

In the end, I bought El a digital watch. I was going to get her a pink one, but Max stomped all over that idea. She said I was making El a stereotypical girl, whatever that means. So I went with one that’s sort of light purple instead.

Christmas dinner would be late getting started, of course. Our Moms would do their best but it’d probably be chaos. Nancy would get roped in to help so I guess Jonathan would too. That means the rest of us could hang out in the basement or maybe go outside and have a snowball fight. Come to think of it, we could show El how we build our awesome snowmen, I’m pretty sure she’s never made one. Maybe she hasn’t even seen one, which is so weird.

I’m not sure what we’d do after that. Normally you and I would just hang out, maybe play Atari or read comics. That would mean El got left out. And I wouldn’t just disappear with El – I’ve learned my lesson with that, don’t worry! We’d think of something, I’m sure.

And then we’d finally have dinner, and our Moms would drink wine and get stupid and giggly, and Dad would just slink off to his chair while us kids all had to clean up afterwards. So that would be more chaos, and I just bet one of us would drop a plate or a glass and break it. Probably me.

The grown-ups could go and watch their movies, and Nancy and Jonathan would go off somewhere together. We’d go back to the basement and watch whatever we wanted to and eat leftovers. And when we finally all went to bed you and I could lie there and talk about anything and everything, really catch up.

It would be the best Christmas ever.

I think that’s the bit I was looking forward to the most, having that time for us to just really talk. I really wanted to make it up to you for being such a jerk last summer. I wanted to fix things – I still do, but now I guess it’ll have to be at Spring Break. I am not letting our parents screw that up for us, too.

Oh shit, I can hear Mom calling for me. I have to go and be “sociable” again, which means they want me to babysit Holly and the cousins. I hope your Christmas is a million times better than mine. I’m sure it will be, because I know how much your Mom wants you and Jonathan to have great memories so you don’t have to remember when your Dad was around. Your Mom is such a badass, I can’t imagine mine disguising herself as a Russian and breaking into a secret military base and blowing it up !

Merry Christmas, Will. I miss you.

Love, Mike

Chapter Text

December 27, 1985

Dear Mike,

I’ve been spending a lot of time listening to the mixtape I made you, just trying to get things clear. I think I’m almost ready to say what’s been on my mind for ages - not to your face of course, because I’m not that brave. But maybe if I can say it to the you in my head, I can eventually say it to the real you.

But I need to make sure I get it right, so here goes.

Javi called me last night and asked if I wanted to go to the movies with him and another friend. Someone I didn’t really know. It was really unexpected. Sure, Javi and I talk at school, but we haven’t really hung out. Honestly, I was almost going to make up an excuse why I couldn’t - I’m not sure where I got enough courage from to say yes.

Anyway, this other guy is a junior, and he borrowed his mom’s car, so they picked me up. El was super happy I was going out and having fun. I did say I would ask Javi if she could come too, but she told me she had plans, whatever that means. I figure she probably talked to you on Cerebro all day. But back to this guy. His name’s Dion, he’s on the baseball team as their pinch hitter. I have a vague idea what that is, Dad really tried to get me into sports so he made me learn a bunch of things about different kinds. Anyway, the point is, he’s really good, scouts have talked to him and he’s probably going to get an athletic scholarship to college.

He didn’t act like a typical jock though, which was a relief. Actually, I was surprised how easy it was to start talking to him. Having Javi there really helped, of course. Dion’s not really a nerd, but he’s into Star Wars and sci-fi, so it turns out we have a lot in common.

We went to see Young Sherlock Holmes. Wow, you have to see this movie, Mike. It’s so great - but you definitely have to wait until after all the credits have finished, because there’s a big surprise scene at the very end. Have you seen any posters for it? I think the guy who is playing Holmes looks a bit like you, only more English, obviously. (Hey, that’s one Halloween costume we never did - you could have gone as Holmes, and I’d be Watson.)

Okay, finally I’m at the point I really wanted to talk about.

Javi was sitting between me and Dion, and he had the popcorn. About halfway through the movie I went to get some and I saw … well, Dion had his arm around Javi. Like, the way boyfriends and girlfriends do. And then Javi put his head on Dion’s shoulder. I didn’t say anything, but I guess Dion saw me looking at them because he tried to straighten up and take his arm back.

And this is the weird thing. Javi grabbed Dion’s hand and said, “Don’t worry. Will’s cool.”

I mean, I wasn’t - I was having a bit of an internal freak-out - but I must have looked normal because Dion put his arm back around Javi, and actually smiled at me. And they went back to watching the movie.

Afterwards, we went and got milkshakes, and they sat there holding hands under the table. Javi told me that they’d been dating for a few months, but they were only “out” to a few friends. (“Out” means actually admitting telling someone you’re gay, at least it does in California.) I asked them why they thought I was okay with it and they

I knew that out here people were supposed to be more … I don’t know, accepting? tolerant? At least, that’s the stories you hear, especially about Hollywood. (Not that Lenora Hills is anything like Hollywood!) But actually seeing it? I really didn’t know what to think. I could practically hear my Dad yelling in my head, but Mike … they looked really happy together. Like, the way Lucas and Max look happy whenever they think someone’s not paying attention to them and they can just relax.

It’s so strange. It’s hard to believe that there really are people who are like that, and are able to date someone, and be happy, and just, you know, normal. All my life I’ve been told It scares me, because I started thinking what

Damn. Guess I’m not quite ready to write more yet.

Love,

Will

*****

December 28 1985

Dear Will,

I should be asleep. Eddie’s mini-campaign is tomorrow today in a few hours and it’s going to be hard enough remembering all the thief abilities. My head won’t shut up, though.

I talked to El today. She said you’d gone out to the movies with this new friend of yours, Javier. (I finally heard the name clearly.) And another guy – she didn’t know his name, but she said he was “black like Lucas only taller”, and she said he was “cute, but Javi’s much cuter”.

And then she said really quickly that I was cuter than Javier, of course, which was pretty funny. Did she expect me to be jealous that she thought someone else was cute? Should I have been? Well, I wasn’t. (This is me shrugging my shoulders like, “huh???”)

She said you’d all gone to see that new Sherlock Holmes movie. That made me a bit pissed off, but really it’s not like I had any reason to be. By the time Spring Break comes around and I come to visit – and we are definitely coming, my Mom’s gonna call your Mom to get it all worked out in advance – the movie won’t be showing anymore. There’ll be hopefully a bunch of new movies that we can choose from. Still … I wish it had been us two going to see it together.

El went on and on about your friend. I guess it was a change from her telling me about her friends at school and how she can’t wait for school to start up again so they can all talk about their Christmases. She just kept saying how cute he is, and how he does track, and what a great person he is, and finally I asked her if she was dumping me for Javier.

I was joking, of course, but she took it really seriously. I should have realised she’d do that, I have to keep reminding myself she’s still learning how to be like the rest of us. She got kinda mad, and here’s the weird thing – she wasn’t mad at me for thinking she’d dump me, she was mad because Javier is your friend.

Actually, what she said was, “Javi belongs to Will”.

And … I don’t know, I just … it made me feel really wrong. Twisted up in the stomach kind of wrong. Angry and sad and hot and cold all at once kind of wrong.

I don’t understand why I reacted that way. I’ve been thinking about it all night. Am I such a shitty person that I would rather you didn’t have friends that aren’t me?? A new best friend? I don’t want you to be lonely, but – god, I really am a selfish asshole.

Maybe Dad was right – but not for the reasons he thinks. Maybe it’s healthier for you to move on and get new friends. El said you were really happy when Javier invited you to go to the movies. I should want that for you.

And I’m listening to the mixtape I made for you – again – and now I’m thinking maybe it was a good thing I haven’t been able to give it to you. I just It feels like you’re leaving me behind, and I know this must be some cosmic joke or something, because now I understand how bad I made you feel last summer.

I need to make things right. I need to talk to you more for real, not just pretend to in these fake letters. And when I finally get there I’m gonna apologise properly, and maybe hopefully we can be like we used to. Because I’m not ready to lose you. I never will be.

Love, Mike

Chapter Text

December 31 1985

Dear Will,

It’s a bit pointless for me to write down one of these fake letters just after I talked to you on the phone – but it’s become a bit of a habit now. I should probably stop pretending that I’m ever going to send them to you and just accept that what I’m really doing is writing a journal. Writers are supposed to have journals, aren’t they? A book to write things down so they can get inspiration? The new English teacher – I can never remember her name – told us that writers do that to “commune with their muse”. I guess if I’m addressing everything to you that means you’re the muse I’m communing with? How about it? Want the job? There’s no pay, but you get to laugh at me for being embarrassing, so that’s better than money, right?

But seriously, it was so good to finally talk to you today. And it wasn’t even awkward! Well, it was a bit at first, because what the hell?? When did your voice get so deep? I mean, sure, it was breaking before you left, but wow. I really wasn’t expecting that. Honestly, hearing your new voice made me feel kind of strange. Not in a bad way, not really, just – I don’t really know what to call it. Sort of happy and nervous and a bit out of breath all at once.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s a good voice! I could have listened to you talk all day.

Swapping Christmas stories was so much fun. I still say your holiday was better than mine, because you didn’t have to babysit. And I’m still annoyed that you laughed at my suffering, even if I was being extra dramatic telling the story. Actually, I’m not. Hearing you laugh made it all worth it. I missed making you laugh.

And I just realized how long it’s been since I heard you laugh – like, I’m actually having trouble remembering the last time. I know it was way before you left, but it feels even longer than that. I know you laughed when I saw you in the hospital after your Mom and Hopper rescued you, and I’m sure you must have laughed after that, so why can’t I remember it? This is really bugging me. Were things so awful for you?

It’s not officially New Year yet, but I’m gonna make a resolution. When I see you at Spring Break, I’ll make you laugh so much your face will hurt. (If that sounds like a threat, maybe it is!)

We need to talk on the phone more often. It felt like all the bullshit that happened this year (nearly last year now!) didn’t matter anymore, and we were back to where we used to be. Like old times – actually, better than old times, obviously all that stuff still did happen, but it wasn’t getting in the way.

Nancy was giving me crap earlier, saying I was acting like a kid who got all the candy, so of course I gave her shit right back about how she acts when she’s talked to Jonathan. She got all defensive and backed off, which was the idea. Right before she walked off though, she snapped at me that it was different for her.

I suppose I get it. They’re dating, and we’re best friends. But is it really that different? What’s wrong with me being happy that I finally got you back???

Mom’s calling. It’s nearly time to leave for the fireworks. They’re doing them on the playing field out the back of the middle school again. I wanted to get some to let off with Dustin and Lucas (and Max, maybe), but our parents got spooked by some reports on 60 Minutes or Sally Jessy or some other lame show about kids getting gross injuries. You’d think that we were gonna blow our faces off or something. Next, Oprah will be telling everyone that D&D is bad for us, and that’s not a day I’m looking forward to because I’m not giving up D&D!

Anyway ….. Happy New Year, Will.

Love, Mike

PS. There’s one bad thing about us finally talking. It’s made me miss you even more.

*****

January 1, 1986

Dear Mike,

Happy New Year! I know I said it on the phone earlier, but it’s official now.

Talking to you today felt like I got another Christmas present, and it’s definitely my favorite one. You seemed like you didn’t know what to say at first. That was pretty terrible. I was actually going to make up something about Mom needing me so you could hang up, because I thought maybe you were just calling because you felt you should, not because you wanted to. But then it was like someone threw a switch or something, and we just talked and talked and talked like we used to.

I’m still smiling thinking about it the way you made your holiday into such a funny story. I should have told you to write it down so you can turn it in when you have to write one of those stupid “What I Did On My Holidays” papers. Maybe next time we talk.

Okay, I’m putting this off. Stop it, Will.

Everyone else is asleep now, I think. I’m tired - it’s been a long day. I wanted to write this now, though, because I made a resolution and I know if I put it off I’ll just chicken out again. Right now I feel brave enough, so here goes.

I already wrote about going to the movies with Javi and Dion, but I didn’t write everything that happened. Wow, I can actually feel my pulse rate going up.

When Javi told Dion that I was cool about them being together, that wasn’t all. What he actually said was, “Don’t worry. Will’s cool, he’s one of us.” That’s why I was freaking out, because … how did he work it out?? So I’ve been thinking about it ever since, and I realized I have to stop pretending, at least to myself.

I don’t like girls. Not like that. I’ve never had a crush on a girl, not even a singer or actress. I don’t think I ever will. And that’d be okay, except … it’s not just that.

I am queer. I am a fairy. God, that’s the first time I’ve ever admitted it, and I hate seeing it written down like that. I hate it that everyone was right, and there is something wrong with me. I’m sick, and wrong. And I can’t even blame it on what happened to me, because I was like this before my life went to pieces.

I tried to tell myself it was just hero worship or some bullshit. That it was no different from being a Han Solo fan, or thinking Morrissey looked amazing on album covers. But I knew I was lying even then, and now it’s all just …

There are a lot of couples at school. I see them together at lunchtime, holding hands or kissing (or stumbling upon them making out, that was so embarrassing), and it doesn’t make me think, wow I’d like to have a girlfriend to do that with. I don’t think about kissing girls. I think about kissing boys. About them kissing me. I want to know what that feels like. I think about kissing y

And when I saw Javi and Dion just acting like it was totally normal, it’s like something short-circuited in my brain. Because it can’t be, can it? All those people who told me how sick it is - my Dad telling me over and over again that no son of his was going to grow up to be a faggot - how could all of them be wrong?

But if they’re not wrong, that means Javi and Dion are as sick as I am. I don’t want to believe that. But am I just making excuses for them because I don’t want to face the truth?

I don’t know who’s right. I don’t know what to believe, I don’t know if I can trust what I feel.

It’s like last year - two years ago now. I didn’t know what was real then, but I knew there was something wrong with me because no one else was seeing what I did. I thought I was going crazy. You helped me then, you believed me when no one else did - but you can’t help me now.

And I can’t stop remembering what you said to me about not liking girls, like you knew and you hadn’t said anything until then because you hoped I’d get better, and you’d just had enough

So I did it. I finally admitted it. The thought of someone finding this and reading it scares the hell out of me. I feel like ripping this up, or burning it, or better yet, both - but I won’t. I have to talk to someone, even if it’s an imaginary you in my head.

Oh god, this sounds awful. For once I'm glad you won't ever see one of these letters because I can take it from other people, I can handle being called a freak and having them look at me like I'm something disgusting they just stepped in - but not you. The thought of you looking at me like that, after you defended me over and over … the idea that you'd find out they were right all along … I think that would be the thing that finally breaks me.

Love,

Will

P.S. Is this why the Mind Flayer picked me? Did it know??

Chapter Text

January 6 19851986

Dear Will,

Back at school. Ugh.

It’s not all bad, I guess. We’ll be playing D&D every week again, so at least I have that to look forward to. Eddie told us at lunch he bought a lot of new modules and miniatures over the break, and he’s promised us a campaign that we’ll never forget – that’s really cool and terrifying at the same time, because he’s a tough GM. Like, thank God for Potions of Resurrection is all I can say! I’ve lost count of the number of times our characters have died.

But Lucas is all wrapped up in basketball, he barely talks about anything else. He still games with us, but other than that he’s not hanging out with us as much as he used to. Dustin says it’s probably just because he wants to get a college scholarship. I’m not so sure.

He and Max broke up again. We’re all kinda used to that by now, so we’re just waiting for them to get back together. The thing is, he didn’t tell us. I found out when I talked to El earlier tonight. I don’t know how she found out, maybe Max told her? We nearly got into an argument about it because of course I stuck up for Lucas, and El was on Max’s side even though Max was the one who broke up with him. I just dropped it in the end, the static was really bad and you can’t really fight with someone over the radio anyway.

First day back, and already we’ve got homework. We have to do a stupid civics project about how government works in our ‘daily lives’. Bogus, right? I said to Dustin that I was gonna do a talk about how government kidnaps kids and does experiments that let monsters from another dimension get into our world – and he had a bit of a minor freak out. I mean, obviously I was joking! I thought he’d get it, after all he was the one who was gonna do a whole science project about Dart the Demodog. But he just gave me a whole lecture about how we can’t say anything, how we have to protect El and you, etc etc etc.

Of course I know that! I can’t believe Dustin would seriously think I’d do anything to put you in danger.

I wonder how school’s going for you out there in California. El was talking a lot about catching up with her friends, how they’ve got new hairstyles and clothes and boring shit like that. The way she talks it’s like she’s a different person with them, I guess none of those girls are into nerd stuff. Nancy says it’s good that El’s doing ‘normal’ things, but …… I don’t know. It’s just weird to think of her being a girl . Urgh, that sounds awful, that’s not what I mean. She’s just never been like that, and why should she? She’s a superhero, she saved Hawkins – maybe the world. Who thinks about nail polish and stupid shit like that when they’re fighting a Demogorgon??!

I guess she does now. I’m never gonna understand how girls think.

I started a real letter to you today. It’s a lot harder than I thought it would be – I keep wanting to pick up the phone instead and talk to you. Our Christmas call really made me realise how much I miss us rambling at each other about anything and everything. Well, mostly me rambling, because I’m a motormouth, but you’ve always been such a good listener that it’s hard for me to shut up. You make me feel like I actually have stuff to say that’s worth listening to.

What the hell, I’m gonna try to call you now. It’s still early enough there, I think. (I’m finally getting the hang of time zones).

Love, Mike

*****

January 7, 1986

Dear Mike,

I guess it was too much to hope that people might forget over the break about us being the new kids.

On the bright side, at least no one here calls me ‘zombie boy’. Mostly they call me ‘farm boy’, which is ridiculous. The only farm I’ve ever been on was Mr. McCorkle’s pumpkin patch to pick out a pumpkin for Halloween.

Of course that’s not all. There’s always the old stand-by, only now it’s … I don’t know, it feels different to hear those names now I’ve finally admitted it to myself. It still stings, but - I can’t describe it properly.

Those bitchy girls haven’t let up on El, either. They’re always picking on her, not to her face, but they say really cruel stuff where she can hear it. The worst is Angela, I bet you know all about her by now. Why is it always the really popular ones who are the biggest bitches? (Okay, except Nancy, she was always popular, but she was nice, too, even when she got annoyed about us making a racket at your house.) I wish I could stick up for El better, but I just get tongue-tied when I think about telling Angela to back off. She’s just another bully, and you know I’ve never been able to stand up to bullies. I’m kind of failing as a big brother.

I don’t know why they just keep picking on her. Maybe it’s the Byers family curse, or something. All us kids get bullied. Thing is, I can’t imagine Mom being bullied - at school, at least. Dad definitely bullied her. Then again she kicked him out in the end, so I wonder what her secret is. I’m sure she’d have good advice for El, but El keeps refusing to say anything to her. I bet if we weren’t in the same classes she wouldn’t even tell me.

If only Max could come out here for a while, she’d kick Angela’s ass and maybe teach El a thing or two about standing up for herself. I know you don’t really like her, but Max is kind of amazing. She’s so strong, much stronger than any of us. Remember when we were packing up my house, and she and Lucas were teasing Dustin by singing the Neverending Story song? It hadn’t even been that long since the mall, and Billy - but she was doing her best to make some good moments in that long sad day. I’ll always be grateful to her for that.

Oops, I got sidetracked. Anyway.

The best thing happened this morning. I was getting my books out of my locker for first period, and some jerk “accidentally” bumped me and made me drop everything. So original, right? Of course I didn’t say anything and just started picking things up, but he decided he was going to kick them a bit further away. Hilarious.

Then the next thing I knew Dion was there. He grabbed the jerk and scared him into helping me pick my stuff up, and warned him to leave me alone. And when I say scared, I mean really scared. I kid you not, I thought the jerk was going to throw up or something. Dion is a pretty big guy. Not linebacker big, but tall and really fit, and he just has this presence, you know?

It was totally bizarre. I was trying to say thanks, but my mind was just whirling around and all I could think was, how can he be so brave? We have the same secret, but it’s like he has no fear. Is it because he’s sort of a jock, too? Dion didn’t seem fazed, though, he just kinda patted me on the shoulder and said, see you at lunch.

So for once, I didn’t go hide out in the art room, I hung out with him and Javi. By that time I’d recovered enough to thank Dion properly, but he just shrugged like it was no big deal. I don’t think he gets it, because it was a big deal to me.

Javi had a bunch of things to give me, booklets and stuff about being gay. (I need to start using that word exclusively, instead of all the shitty words people have called me all my life.) I didn’t even know things like that existed! He had them all tucked into a big envelope, which was a relief, because if other people had seen them I think I would have died on the spot.

He also lent me a fantasy book I’d never heard of. It’s called ‘The Door Into Fire’. I haven’t started it yet, but from the bit on the back cover I think it’s a sort of quest story, where the main character is a wizard who helps his best friend save his kingdom. If it’s any good, I’ll make sure to tell you. This is my mental note to remember to do that!

One other thing we talked about is that there is a club here at school for people like us to hang out openly after classes! I really thought they were kidding at first, because how??? It seems it’s not really a public thing, kids who are in it don’t talk about it or put up posters or anything like that. It’s basically just gay kids (and lesbian kids, which is apparently what gay girls are called - and I don’t know why the idea of gay girls lesbians seems strange to me because it makes sense that there would be both, doesn’t it??) talking and sometimes watching videos. Javi said one of the Senior year teachers is sort of in charge, but he pretty much leaves the kids to do what they want.

I don’t think I can really say properly how surprised I was. No, not surprised, I was stunned! Of all the things I could imagine about growing up as this kind of person, I’d never have thought of this. I can’t even picture how it might work, but Javi said the club was where he first met Dion (he knew who Dion was, everybody did, but like everyone else he thought Dion was normal straight.) And Dion said he went to the club originally because he was struggling and a friend of his who is a lesbian told him about it. So it’s been around for a while, I guess?

They both want me to be part of the club. They even had a solution to my problem of not being allowed to go home on my own, Dion said he’d drive me home afterwards. I don’t know, though. I don’t know if I can be gay in public (what a stupid thing to say), I couldn’t even admit it to myself until Javi said something. And I still have Dad’s voice in my head telling me to stay away from that sort of stuff. I just don’t know.

Love,

Will

P.S. It would be nice to have friends that I didn’t have to keep secrets from. Well, apart from the big ones, of course. Oh god, I wish I could just be brave enough to tell you everything, because you know everything about me except this.

Chapter Text

January 13 1986

Dear Will,

I started guitar lessons again with Eddie today. I figured he was gonna yell at me for not practising enough, but we just went straight into it. Remember that teacher in grade school who tried to make us learn instruments? All those piano scales and lectures on how we had to be disciplined, they were soooo boring. Eddie’s completely different. He says that you have to feel the music or it’ll just be shit. He doesn’t make me play scales. Usually he shows me how to play the chords or he teaches me some finger patterns, and then we go straight into learning a new song. It’s so much better learning this way.

My fingers always get sore after lessons though, because I’m using Eddie’s spare guitar. I’m not allowed to touch his axe, of course. (He talks about it like it’s his girlfriend or something, calls it ‘baby’, and every time he picks it up he asks it if it’s ready to make some tunes. It’s weird, but kind of cute as well.) At home though I’ve only got a cheap acoustic, because no way were Mom and Dad going to buy me an electric guitar and amp. It’s got nylon strings so my fingers don’t toughen up as quick as they should. Eddie said I could try to swap the strings for steel ones, and that would help. Maybe next week, I already spent my allowance.

I’m not much good at guitar yet, but it just feels right, if that makes sense. It’s like I have a whole new language to use to say how I’m feeling.

I even wrote my very first song. I was just playing around after dinner tonight, and it sort of started writing itself. It’s not finished, and probably not very good, but I guess even Dio was shit when he started out. It’s a ballad, kind of sad, which was a surprise to me but it just came out that way. Maybe it’s the guitar? Eddie says that every guitar has a soul, so who knows? But I also sort of hear it as a power ballad, like ‘Faithfully’ or ‘Amanda’ (like, it definitely feels like a good lead break should go in there).

There’s not many lyrics yet, but I’ll work on that. I think the start is strong.

It's quiet here tonight
The only one awake is me
And there’s a hole in the world
Where you used to be

Now I’m writing about it, I guess sad isn’t really the right word. I mean, it is sad, but it’s more lonely than anything. Which really isn’t surprising when I think about it.

We’re not hanging out much anymore – the Party, I mean. We still play D&D and we do stuff together at school, but that’s about it. Lucas is usually at practice so we don’t talk on the walkies, and Dustin is always improving Cerebro, so we don’t go to movies or the arcade or go biking like we used to. It’s not just them, obviously, I’m to blame too. Probably more than they are, because I was the one who ditched them first last year. God, I was so stupid back then. I thought I was being grown-up but I went way over the top. I can’t even explain it properly. Sure, it was risky for El to be away from the cabin what with the stupid government and all, but it wasn’t that bad after the Lab got shut down, so why didn’t we just hang out with everyone else more often? And it wasn’t her fault because she wanted to do things with all of us, it was me. I guess I was over-reacting?

I’ve been missing you a lot the last couple of days. Not for any reason, just little things. I had an idea for a new campaign and the first thing I thought was how cool it would be if you drew the map to be like the one in The Hobbit. And I went to the video store with Mom (oh yeah, Steve and Robin are working there now, they won’t give us discounts but they do tell us when cool new stuff comes in) and she asked if I thought Holly would like The Dark Crystal – and I remembered how you cried so much when the skeksis drained that podling. Little things like that, and then I realise that’s all in the past and now there’s a big hole in my life and I get really down about it.

I miss El, too, but it’s different. Not just because she’s my girlfriend, and we talk on Cerebro and she writes letters (and I actually write her back, which is good but I also feel guilty for not writing to you), but also ….. there’s not so much history. Apart from last year, almost all the time we spent together was fighting the Upside Down. And even then we didn’t always do that together. I wasn’t there when she closed the gate, and let’s face it, when I was there I wasn’t exactly much help. I mean, how does an ordinary person help a superhero, anyway?

It’s too late to call you now (well it’s too late here, at least). I’ll try tomorrow. If I can get through, I’m definitely not going to be as self-pitying as I’ve been in this letter.

I wish you’d write me. But I can’t exactly expect that when I don’t write to you, can I?

Love, Mike

*****

January 13, 1986

Dear Mike,

This week was … a lot to handle.

I went to that school club. It took a bit to get Mom to agree, but luckily she’d already met Javi so that helped.

I don’t know what I expected, but it was all really normal, just kids sitting around and talking about stuff. The only difference was, well, everyone was like me. It’s hard to explain, but it reminded me of when we all hung out in your basement and we’d talk for hours and hours about things like comics because we were all nerds and had that in common.

At first I was really nervous. Javi told me no one would make me share anything I didn’t want to, which was a bit of a relief. I’d sort of thought I might have to introduce myself and straight out say “I’m gay”, and I’m not ready for that yet. The other kids there were really cool about everything, though. The first thing they asked me was - get this - did I think Star Wars or Star Trek was better! So that made me laugh, and after that I relaxed more.

Besides Javi and Dion, there are five other people in the club. There are two girls who are dating, Kelly and Jamie, another girl called Rosa, and two boys called Aaron and Ben. Aaron’s Jewish, and he told me he hasn’t come out yet because he’s afraid of how his family will react. Ben says he’s not gay, he’s bisexual (which means that he likes both girls and boys, so that’s another new thing for me to try to understand). They’re all really friendly and they just acted like being gay was such an ordinary thing. I saw Jamie give Kelly a kiss while we were watching a video, nobody even reacted.

Speaking of that, the video we watched was called The Rocky Horror Picture Show. I’ve never seen anything like it! Javi told me it was a musical, and the songs are really catchy, but … wow. It’s freaky as hell, but it’s also hilarious. And it’s gay. Really, really gay. It seems like everyone is sleeping with each other, guys with guys, girls with girls, guys with girls, you name it. The main character (who’s sort of a Dr Frankenstein mad scientist) even builds himself a boyfriend!

When we were watching it, the others started shouting stuff, like replies and comments on what was happening on the screen. Javi explained to me that this movie is still being shown in some theaters and fans watch it over and over again, and act out scenes, and dance, and there are all these standard ‘callbacks’. There’s one character who’s like a narrator, and whenever he’s on screen everyone has to chant ‘Boring!’ It’s wild.

Kelly suggested that we should all go one night and be part of it. She even wants me to dress up like one of the characters and join in the acting bits! The character’s name is Brad, he’s a real dork but he eventually comes out as the show goes on. He even wears stockings and high heels! I don’t know if I could deal with that. I mean, it’s just a costume, but still.

I think I’m in shock, a bit. A good kind of shock, though? It seems impossible that these kids could all be sick, so maybe I’m not the one who’s wrong? Maybe it’s Dad and Troy who are wrong. I still hear Dad’s voice in my head, but it’s getting easier to ignore.

So maybe we’re not wrong. Maybe we’re just different. I don’t know if I’m 100% convinced yet, but I’m getting there.

I finished the book Javi lent me, and that was another shock. The story isn’t about two guys who are just best friends, they’re actually dating. Well, not dating, because people in fantasy books don’t exactly date, but they’re together. Boyfriends. I thought at first I was seeing stuff that wasn’t there but the more I read, the more I realised that it wasn’t just me.

I remember when I read Lord of the Rings. It always felt to me that Frodo and Sam weren’t only best friends, like there was something really deep and close between them. I couldn’t quite make myself believe they were together (not just because of Dad - everything I knew told me that boys married girls and that’s how the world was), but I still remember how I felt when Sam tells everyone that he’ll never leave Frodo. And how I cried when he said “Don't leave me here alone! It's your Sam calling. Don't go where I can't follow!” I remember that word for word.

In The Door Into Fire, though, they say it right out. Herewiss the wizard and Freelorn the prince are in love with each other.

It’s also a really good story. I think you’d like it - although I don’t know if you would like their relationship? Maybe if I could get you to read it, I could see how you’d react, and maybe that would tell me whether I could ever talk to you about how who I am? I don’t know. The idea is pretty scary, because what if you hated it? Maybe I’m better off not knowing?

Who am I kidding, it’s not like you could ever get that book in Hawkins, anyway. Not unless the librarians didn’t know what was in it. And that makes me wonder how much else was kept away from me so I wouldn’t ever get the idea that it was okay to be this way?

I wish I could talk to you for real about everything. You always helped me not be tangled up about difficult things.

Love,

Will

Chapter Text

January 21 1986

Dear Will,

I finally got to see Young Sherlock Holmes. You were right, it really is a fantastic movie – and the big twist at the end, wow! Thank god you told me to wait and watch the credits, nearly everyone else in the theater left. I had to explain what it meant to Max though. Did you know she’s never read Sherlock Holmes??

Oh yeah, I probably should have started with that. It was just me and Max there. I know, I know, weird right? Originally I’d asked everyone to come but Dustin had a family thing and Lucas had practice again , and just when I thought I was gonna have to go on my own (which would have been lame), Max said she’d go with me. I was stunned. Max told me to close my mouth and stop impersonating a goldfish. Lucas was definitely not happy about it but Max shut him down with that glare she does.

It was pretty awkward at first. Like, we weren’t close friends or anything, and I’m pretty sure she’s still mad at me about El and the stuff that happened when all that shit with the Mall and that meat monster was going down, so I thought maybe she was gonna chew me out again about it. I was bracing myself, but she didn’t say anything about that. We barely talked at all while we were waiting for the movie to start. Then it got to the bit with that Professor and his flying machine, and we both laughed, and after that it was pretty fun.

We went and got milkshakes afterwards. I bet some people thought we were on a date, but honestly it just felt like hanging out with the guys. Or like Steve and Robin. (Lucas is convinced they’re dating, but I don’t get that vibe at all, and neither does Dustin.) We talked about the movie a bit more, and Max said that Holmes and Watson reminded her of me and you. Of course, I said you would have been Sherlock – and she agreed with me! Actually, what she said was that we only had one brain between us, and it had gone to California with you.

I got angry for about a split second before I realized she was kidding. And it was like a lightbulb went off in my head. I think I’m finally starting to figure Max out. She only insults people she likes, if she doesn’t like you she doesn’t even talk to you. It only took me two years to figure that out, way to go Wheeler.

I said that when I went to California for spring break, I’d come back with our brain and shock everyone with my genius. And you know what she said? I remember it word for word. She said “no you won’t, you’ll let him keep the brain because you’re a complete softy about Will.”

She wasn’t joking then, she was dead serious about it. I didn’t know what to say, but then she just shrugged and changed the subject and asked me what Sherlock Holmes books she should read. So we went to the library and she checked out A Study in Scarlet and a book of the short stories. The librarian said some dumb thing about them not being books that interested most girls. Max just smiled really sweetly, but I could see she was pissed off – and when we got outside, wow did she go off about it. It was a whole speech, all about stereotypes and people always underestimating girls and how she’d read anything she wanted to. It was like listening to Nancy when she gets going on women’s lib stuff.

You can guess what I did. Yeah, I just nodded a lot and didn’t say a word, didn’t even make a noise. Max is pretty scary when she’s really angry, it’s kinda awesome actually.

When she finally ran out of steam she looked at me and said “WELL?” I told her I agreed with her, and I do. It’s bullshit to say that people can’t like things because they’re a girl, why wouldn’t a girl like Sherlock Holmes? Max looked at me like she thought I was joking, but I really wasn’t, and finally she said maybe there was hope for me after all.

So I guess that makes us friends now?

After I got home I thought a lot more about what Max said, and I remembered some of the crap your Dad used to say to you. Boys should be playing sports, boys have to like shooting guns and going fishing etc etc etc. He was such an asshole. You don’t know how many times I wanted to yell at him about that. It just made me so mad because I could see how much it hurt you. So what if you like drawing and don’t like baseball? You’re an amazing artist, you could probably be professional one day, but he tried to make you ashamed of it. I’m so glad your Mom kicked him out.

My Dad’s nowhere near as bad as yours was, but he has that same bullshit idea. He barely talks to me (or Nancy either), but it’s always some kind of complaint about stuff he thinks I shouldn’t do anymore because I’m a “young man” now, ugh. I think he was secretly pleased when the Party stopped playing D&D, but then I joined Hellfire, so screw you, Dad. And he hasn’t met Eddie, but I know if he did he would probably tell me to stop hanging out with him. He already says my hair’s too long, he’d freak if he saw Eddie’s.

It’s so stupid how older people think. If everyone acted like they tell us we should, it would be heinous. Can you imagine Max without her skateboard? Or Nancy not being a badass? They wouldn’t be themselves, just like you wouldn’t be Will without your drawings.

Maybe it’s just Hawkins, this place practically lives in the past anyway. Hopefully things are better out there in California, and people can appreciate you for the kind and creative and amazing person you are.

Love, Mike

PS I thought about it, and Max is right. I’d definitely let you keep the brain. I’m not sure I’d know what to do with it anyway.

*****

January 22, 1986

Dear Mike,

It’s 4:30 in the morning. Everyone else is asleep and I should be, too, but it’s been a bad night. I don’t know why, but I’ve had a lot of nightmares this last week. I had a relatively good week at school, and I went to the club again (we don’t have a name yet, Dion says we should call it Pride Club or Rainbow Club), and I guess I’m surprised that I’m having so many bad dreams.

Most of them were predictable. You’d think that after having the same sort of dreams for so long, they might lose some of their power to scare me. Every time, though, I still wake up freaked out, like I’m still the same little kid. It feels like part of me isn’t convinced that it’s all over. Worse, my imagination keeps coming up with dreams where you’re people I care about are in danger from something from the Upside Down.

Okay, I need to stop thinking about this. Time to change the subject.

El did a really strange thing today. I was in my room doing homework (well, really more staring out the window because I hate polynomials), and she barged in and told me she needed my help. She had one of her magazines with her, open to an article that she said I had to read right then. I had no idea what was going on. She didn’t seem angry, but she was pretty worked up about something. I’ve tried to tell her that those magazines are just people’s opinions - pretty sure I haven’t gotten through to her, though.

I read the article with her standing over my shoulder. It was one of those relationship quizzes, “How Much Does He Love You”. The higher the score, the more the boy loved you, as though it was something you could measure! I can’t remember all the questions, only a few. How nervous and shy does he get around you, how many times has he said “I love you”, how many interests do you share, how often does he give you compliments, how affectionate is he, that sort of thing.

When I finished, El asked me if I thought that quiz was true. I don’t know what she expected me to say, because how the hell would I know? In the end, I told her she’d be better off asking someone who’d actually been in a relationship, like Max. It definitely wasn’t what she wanted to hear, but I genuinely couldn’t help her.

It did get sort of stuck in my head, though, and I started thinking about the kids I knew in the club who were dating. I realized that if I ignored all the stuff that assumes people are in boy-girl relationships, maybe there was some truth in there. For instance, Kelly is super into making jewellery with beads and Jamie is also learning to do that so they can make stuff together. Javi and Dion are always saying nice things about each other, just little things that come up as part of normal conversations. Dion goes bright red when Javi does that, it’s adorable.

But then I thought that most of the stuff in that quiz is also what best friends do. You used to tell me all the time how much you liked my drawings, and I know it made you happy when I said your campaigns were great. We could talk for hours about Star Wars or X-Men, we’d always share new books we were reading, and of course we had D&D. We’d hug, and I remember how you’d hold my hand or put your arm around me when I was freaking out. We even used to say “I love you” to each

Fuck.

No. Stop it, Will. It’s not the same. Of course it isn’t.

Chapter Text

February 5 1986

Dear Will,

It’s pretty late, so I probably should be sleeping – or studying, because we have a chem test in the morning, kill me. But it’s been ages since I wrote to you, and I’m pretty sure I’m gonna flunk the quiz anyway, so here we are. I’ve wanted to write for a while, life stuff just keeps getting in the way, and I feel like I owe one of these letters.. That’s a pretty dumb thing to say, I know, especially when you don’t see them. I don’t know, maybe one day I’ll finally show you some. Not all, no way! You don’t need to read my self-pity shit or my insecurity about you having more friends or ….. huh, there’s not much in here that I really would want you to see.

Anyway.

I finally got new guitar strings, steel ones. Eddie said he’d show me how to put them on because that’s something every axeman should be able to do. (Axeman sounds like a lumberjack to me, but that’s what he calls a really good guitar player, so I guess he thinks I might be that good one day??) So I took my guitar to school with me yesterday. It’s really hard riding a bike with it on my back! Mrs Carmody, the music teacher, let me store it in the music room for the day, but I think asking her might have been a mistake because this afternoon I found a band sign-up sheet in my locker. As if.

Now that I think about it, I probably should have asked Eddie if I could put the guitar in his van. Oh well.

We drove back to his place – he lives in the trailer park way out near Mirkwood. (Max lives there now too, did El mention it? Her Dad (her Step-Dad) took off after Billy got killed, and her Mom couldn’t afford to stay in their house. Max doesn’t talk about it much but she says she’s not sorry her Step-Dad’s gone because he was an asshole. He sounds a bit like your Dad was so if that’s the case, good riddance.) It’s funny in a way, because it’s actually close to your house old house. Well, not funny, really. More sort of sad.

Mondays are usually when I have my guitar lessons, but because we were doing the strings today Eddie said we would have listening time instead. He does this occasionally, makes me listen to tracks that have really amazing guitar lines, because he says I have shitty taste in music and he needs to correct years of pop music polluting my ears before I’m too old to learn. That sounds pretty harsh, but you just can’t get mad at Eddie. I can’t, anyway. I know he doesn’t mean it in a bad way. He’s like that with people he cares about – if he thinks you’re beyond help he doesn’t even bother talking to you. Which is pretty awesome, when you think about it.

So he played some Zeppelin, one of the songs was called The Immigrant Song. The guitar waswicked, but man, can Robert Plant wail! He also played the Eagles, which surprised me because, well, they’re a country&western band that my Mom listens to sometimes. I’d heard the song before (Hotel California) but I never really paid attention, but it has a killer solo at the end. The acoustic at the start is great, too.

There were a couple of others, but the last one he played was Wish You Were Here by Pink Floyd. I knew it as soon as it started because I remember Jonathan had the album on a few times when I was at your house, and when I told Eddie he actually looked pretty impressed. He said Pink Floyd were maybe the best English band around and that Jonathan had good taste, and gave me a cassette of their album The Wall to listen to.

I said I’d learned a lot about British music from you and Jonathan, so he asked me what my favourite was. I was gonna say Smalltown Boy, but I figured he’d probably roll his eyes because it’s pop, so I said Boys Don’t Cry. He didn’t know it, so he said he was gonna find it and give it a listen. I actually know something about music Eddie doesn’t know!

Of course while all this was going on I was learning how to string the guitar. That was ….. let’s just say it wasn’t my finest hour. But we got it done in the end, and I was able to tune it on my own, so it wasn’t a total failure. And now my guitar sounds completely different! I’m kind of in love with it, actually, there’s this ringing sound when I play a chord that just, it makes me feel really good. Like when I play Eddie’s back-up axe, but different, too. Ugh, I can’t really explain it.

Eddie drove me most of the way back home. Not all the way, we figured out a long time ago that the worst thing that could possibly happen would be for Dad to see Eddie because he would freak out at the long hair and Tshirts and say Eddie’s a bad influence. (Suddenly, Dad cares what I look like, he’s always going on about how I need to get my hair cut.)

When we were about to leave Eddie asked me to hand him his leather jacket. It’s so cool, he has a denim one with the sleeves ripped off that he wears over it, and there are patches and badges everywhere. I want one. Anyway, I was passing it over when I noticed there was a patch sewn on the inside of the jacket, right where a top pocket would be on a shirt. It was just this square of fabric, all striped like a prism or a rainbow except it had 8 colours instead of 7. I’d never seen pink being one of the colours before, so I asked him about it. He got really serious then, and I thought maybe I shouldn’t have asked, but he told me this story and swore me to secrecy. (Obviously it doesn’t count for these letters, but he doesn’t even want me to tell Dustin, which is weird.)

I knew Eddie had only moved to Hawkins a few years ago, but I didn’t know where he’d come from or anything. Guess what, he used to live in California! Not anywhere near you, he lived with his parents in San Francisco. I could tell he missed living there by the way he talked about it, because it sounded incredible and I hope you get a chance to go and check it out. Maybe we could both go over Summer break? We’d have to take Jonathan to supervise, but if I can persuade Nancy to come they can go off and do dating things and we can be left to do our own stuff.

Eddie talked about this best friend he had there, Danny. They’d been friends since kindergarten – it kinda reminded me of you and me (except I’m pretty sure Eddie didn’t screw up with Danny like I did with you). They did everything together. It was Danny who first got Eddie interested in playing music, because Danny’s Dad was in a band. That is so weird. I just can’t picture it – like, can you imagine my Dad doing that?!

Eddie’s parents didn’t like Danny and kept trying to break them up. They said Danny was a bad influence. Boy does that sound familiar. But Eddie stuck it out and they had all these plans to be in a band together and have the whole band live in one big house, and go on the road, and all sorts of stuff.

But then Eddie’s parents died in a car accident. It was just luck that Eddie wasn’t with them at the time. He didn’t go into details and I was really starting to feel like I shouldn’t have said anything in the first place, because it was bringing up bad memories for him. I said that, but he said it was ok and he’d ‘made his peace’ with it.

The only relative Eddie had was his uncle out here in Hawkins, so he got sent there. He didn’t want to go, but he didn’t have a choice. Danny had this flag with this weirdass rainbow on it, so he cut it in half and gave one bit to Eddie. It was like a promise that they’d be with each other again one day and then they would sew it back together. I wish we’d done something like that.

And then the worst thing happened, Danny got sick and died last year!

I was going to ask about what made Danny sick, but Eddie actually started to cry a bit. I felt like shit for making him cry. He gave me this watery smile though and said I shouldn’t feel bad, and that he was glad he’d been able to tell someone about what a great guy Danny was. I gave him a hug – it was an instinct thing that I probably wouldn’t have done if I’d stopped to think about it. I guess he was surprised, because he was kinda stiff at first, but then he hugged me back.

I’ve been thinking about what he told me ever since, it was sort of sad and beautiful at the same time. Eddie’s really strong, he acts like he doesn’t take anything seriously but all the time he’s been dealing with losing both his parents and his best friend. I don’t know how he does it.

And I keep thinking about me and you. Like, what if I lost you the way Eddie lost Danny? Even just the idea makes me scared and I feel like crying. I never told you this, but when we were in your old shed and I was trying to reach you, I was terrified that you would just never come back. There’d be this person who looked like you, but it wouldn’t be you, Will. Just remembering it makes me terrified all over again. I did get you back, I tell myself that a lot. But if you’d gotten sick like Danny …..

You have to take care of yourself, Will. You have to. You’re safe from the Upside Down now, but there are so many other terrible things that could happen. It makes me want to do something stupid like wrap you up in bubble wrap and guard you 24 hours a day – and I know you would hate that, because that’s how your Mom and Jonathan acted, but I get it now. I get how they felt, maybe still feel.

I don’t ever want to have to try to deal with losing you. Even if you decided one day you were done with my bullshit and never wanted to see me again, I just need want to know that wherever you are, you’re safe.

Okay I definitely need to sleep, because I’m getting melodramatic.

Love, Mike

*****

February 6, 1986

Dear Mike,

I was talking to Javi and Dion today about D&D. Well, they asked me, because I’m the only person they know who ever played it, and they’d heard all these rumors about it being dangerous and Satanic. I thought they were joking, but they showed me this magazine article full of all this crazy stuff. It’s just a game! It was surprisingly hard to explain it to them without having the books right there. I don’t know if I did a good job or not, but I did at least convince them that they weren’t friends with a devil worshipper, so that’s something.

How anyone could believe that D&D’s evil is mind-boggling. Maybe it’s a California thing, because I don’t remember anyone ever saying anything that stupid back in Hawkins. Hopefully, they never do.

At one point while we were talking Javi asked if D&D was basically a big game of make-believe. I guess that’s one way to describe it, just with more preparation? (Except for the time we refused to go into that haunted cave where you had hidden the magic scroll we needed to complete the quest, and you had to make a whole lot up on the spur of the moment so we didn’t ruin your campaign.) It got me thinking about all those kids’ games we used to play, like space adventures. Somewhere along the line we stopped doing that - maybe we graduated to D&D, I’m not sure.

I loved those games so much. I hated when we’d have to pack up everything and go home, even though I knew we’d get to play again next weekend. It wasn’t just that I missed you (and later Lucas and Dustin as well), it was because while we were playing those games I could forget about real life. All the crap at school. And my Dad.

Even after all this time, it’s still hard for me to really think about how bad it was when Dad was around. When I was little, I wanted so much to make him proud of me, but no matter what I did, it was always wrong. He didn’t want me to draw, or dress up like a wizard, or even read. If he caught me doing those things he’d

I had to hide the books I got from the library, or he’d just take them back. I know you always wondered why I kept my books in my closet instead of on a shelf, and I’m surprised you never asked. Maybe you understood, though. Maybe that’s why you started waiting until no one else was around before you’d give me the books you bought for birthday presents.

It sounds ridiculous, but sometimes I think having books to read saved my life. Especially the fantasy stories. I could disappear into those worlds, and when I couldn’t sleep at night I could imagine that I was in those worlds having adventures. If Dad was yelling at Mom, I could go to Castle Byers and pretend it was Middle-Earth. I always sort of wanted to be a hobbit, did I ever tell you that? The Shire seemed like such a wonderful place - not magical or anything, but just …I don’t know. They had their arguments and some hobbits like Lobelia were annoying, but no one was really mean there. It was happy. Normal. I wanted that so much. But I also knew I wasn’t normal, so no matter how much I wished that I might find a magic door to Hobbiton, I wouldn’t be able to go through it.

There were other worlds I could pretend to visit, at least. Narnia was a place I went back to over and over to have adventures with Prince Caspian on the Dawn Treader. Castle Byers was a great place to imagine being in a ship when the wind was blowing really hard. I went to Fantastica only a couple of times, because I would get sad thinking about the Nothing. And there were lots of others - every time I read something new I would daydream about being there.

Not so much with comics. I don’t know why that was, but as much as I love the X-Men, I never really imagined myself in that world.

My favourite was Oz. I made up a whole life in my head where I was in Oz with all the fantastic characters. Sometimes I was fighting the Wicked Witch of the West, or Mombi, or even the Wizard himself, but mostly I just went to amazing places with my friends. The Scarecrow always looked like you when I imagined him, because he was Dorothy’s best friend. Dustin was usually the Cowardly Lion - his hair used to remind me of a lion’s mane. We all saved Oz so many times.

That one lasted for a couple of years, even after Dad had gone - right up until I found out that other worlds were real, but they were nothing like the ones in my books.

Why did that one have to be real? If that one’s real, could there be others? And if there are, why didn’t I find them? Why couldn’t I find Neverland or Middle-Earth?

I guess it all comes down to that one big question that I’ve never been able to answer - why me??

Sometimes when I’m really low, or I’ve had another bad nightmare, I think that maybe I’m just not the kind of person who gets to go to the wonderful worlds. Maybe it’s something in me that’s wrong or dark, and the Mind Flayer could sense it, and that’s why it chose me.

The only other explanation is that it was just bad luck, there’s no reason or higher purpose or whatever. I was just a stupid kid in the wrong place at the wrong time, and nothing that happened to me means anything at all.

I honestly don’t know which one is worse. And I guess I’ll never know which one it was.

I wish you were here to tell me things will be okay. Even if I didn’t believe it, I always felt better when you did.

Love,

Will

Chapter Text

February 14, 1986

Dear Mike,

For once, Valentine’s Day didn’t suck. I think I’d been unconsciously bracing just in case, like when you tense up because you know a punch is coming, but it was actually okay.

It’s all thanks to the Rainbow Club (I think we’ve kind of ended up settling on that name. We didn’t have a vote on it or anything, we’re just all calling it that to ourselves so it’s semi-official now?). We talked last week about the day coming up, and how crappy it had usually been for all of us. It got pretty depressing, until Kelly decided that we were going to have our own Valentine’s Day - we’d all send cards to each other, whether we were dating or not, with positive things written in them. Of course, all the ones in the stores are for guys dating girls, so we decided to make our own.

I got delegated to ‘sweet talk’ Mr Mitchell into letting us have some big sheets of card to cut up. The others figured that since he lets me use the art room all the time, I had the best chance. I was pretty nervous, but he’s a very laid back teacher, and he just sort of waved his hand and said he hoped our project would be a success. He even let me use the big guillotine to cut the card up into the right sizes.

Last night I made mine. I had no idea what to draw on them. It’s not like I had a lot of memories of Valentines to use as inspiration. In the end I decided to draw little cartoons of each person they were for, so I drew Aaron playing chess, Kelly and Jamie making jewellery, Rosa eating popcorn while she watched a movie, Ben with his nose stuck in a book, and Javi and Dion in their baseball and track uniforms. The messages inside were just silly things about being friends. We didn’t have envelopes, but since we’d agreed to slip them into each others’ lockers, that wasn’t a problem.

As usual I was late to school today - having to rely on Argyle is a pain in the neck, even if he does drive like he’s being chased by the cops. Mom always yells at him to slow down, but it never works. It’s lucky she doesn’t know Argyle is usually already stoned when he turns up in the morning, or she’d go nuts. Anyway, I got there just before the bell and quickly stuffed the cards into people’s lockers, and when I got to mine I was in such a hurry that I just pulled open my locker and a whole bunch of cards fell out onto the floor before I could catch them. I didn’t have time to look at them so I picked them up and ran to homeroom.

Everyone there was already comparing their cards. And for the first time, I had cards of my own to look at. I can’t describe how strange that felt. Good, but also a bit sad, which I wasn’t expecting. You know how we always said Valentine’s Day was stupid, and how we didn’t care about it? Seems I do care, after all. Even if the cards I had were from friends, it was still nice to be able to have even a little part of it.

El was even later than me, because she’d gone to the bathroom, but when she came in she was so excited, because someone had put a Valentine in her locker. I was really worried at first that it’d be something mean, until she showed it to me. Javi and Dion had made her a card!

They’d drawn hearts all over the front, and inside was the cheesiest awful poem I’d ever read (until I read the one they put in my card, which was even cheesier).

Roses are red, violets are blue
Do you know who we are?
Valentine, here's a clue!

One starts with J
The other starts with D
Do you know who we are?
You guessed it, it's we!

Happy Valentine's Day, Jane!

It’s terrible, right? But at least it wasn’t a note like I got last year. “Fuck off, fairy, no one wants you.” I’m sure that one was from Troy and Chance - they were right across the way from me when I read it and laughed like it was the funniest thing on earth.

El figured out who it was from straight away, it made her so happy. I know she was expecting to find one from you in the mail when we got home, but she definitely wasn’t expecting anything else. I think it helped her get over her disappointment when there wasn’t anything from you - I explained to her that sometimes things get delayed, and I was sure your card would turn up tomorrow or the next day. I think I reassured her. In any case, she said she thought you might talk to her on Cerebro later tonight.

It didn’t really click with me until dinner that this would have been her first proper Valentine’s Day. Last year, she was still stuck in the cabin, so she wouldn’t have been able to join in at school or for you two to go out to see a movie or something. That made me even more grateful to Javi and Dion. The girls at school are beyond mean, so I was worried they’d do something horrible to pick on El. They didn’t, which was a relief. I guess they were too busy with their own stuff, so El’s first Valentine’s Day was actually a success.

That got me thinking about my first one, which sort of took some of the happiness out of things. (I wish I could stop doing that, having bad memories come up when I’m actually feeling okay.) You probably wouldn’t remember that day - and you don’t know what happened, anyway.

Mrs Chugg (or like Dustin called her, Chugg the Bugg, worst homeroom teacher ever) gave us this totally embarrassing speech about how we were growing up now, and we were starting to “take an interest in the opposite sex”, etc. (If only she knew. If only I’d known back then.) She didn’t actually say it was about dating, but we knew that’s what she meant. She told us we should think about who we might want to send a card to, and we could make it from a secret admirer if we didn’t want the person to know who it was from. Obviously we all just looked at each other like this was the lamest thing in the world, but then she said friends sometimes sent Valentines to each other, like she did with her best friend back in high school. So it got me thinking, and I decided to give you a friendship card.

I planned all day what sort of card I’d make (I don’t think it ever crossed my mind to ask Mom for money to buy one). It was going to be a drawing of our D&D characters standing back to back, ready for battle, but also looking really happy. I told Mom about it when I got home, and asked her to help me figure out what to write inside while I drew the picture. She suggested “Best friends can defeat any foe”, which I thought was amazingly cool.

Wow, I’m actually shaking, I remember this so clearly. Just as well you won’t see how my writing’s gone to shit - but I’m going to finish this.

I was sitting at the kitchen table drawing while Mom was making dinner, and I was so happy. I really wanted to do the best card I could (even if I was drawing on paper I’d torn out of my math notebook), and I’d kind of tuned everything else out. So I guess that’s why I didn’t realize Dad had come home until he was standing right over me asking what I was doing.

He didn’t like me drawing, I knew that, but I thought he’d understand if I explained Mrs Chugg had told us we should do this. Of course I got it all mixed up, and the first thing I said was I was making a Valentine for you. His face went completely dark red, like it always did when he got mad. He yelled at me and grabbed the card. I knew he would rip it up and I shouldn’t stop him, but I couldn’t stand the idea of him destroying something I made for you. Even now I’m not sure if I was being brave or just really stupid - I jumped up and tried to snatch the card back.

It was the worst possible thing I could have done. He grabbed my arm and twisted it, really hard. I felt this weird sort of pop, then suddenly there was so much pain. Worse than when I crashed my bike and skinned both my knees really badly. Worse than whe I screamed and fell down and just tried to huddle as small as possible so I didn’t see what happened next. But I heard it.

Mom was yelling at Dad, and he was yelling right back. It was the usual thing, no son of his was going to be a pansy, Mom wasn’t raising me right by letting me draw instead of play sports, I’d turn into a queer and my life would be ruined. The same stuff I’d heard a hundred times. But then he said it was disgusting. That I was disgusting. And I heard the sound of someone getting slapped.

I thought it was Mom, and it made me push myself up off the floor, because I thought I should protect her. Dumb, right? I couldn’t protect myself, so I don’t know why I thought I could help her - but I had to at least try. And maybe Dad would leave her alone if he was focused on me.

Then I saw Dad’s face. He had a bright red mark on one cheek, and he was staring at Mom like he’d never seen her before. She’d slapped him! I was terrified he’d just go crazy at her, but she wasn’t backing down at all. In fact, she said she should have done that years ago, and told him to get out. And … he just left. Turned right around and slammed out of the house. Mom didn’t even hesitate, just picked me up and took me to the hospital, where they put my arm in plaster and gave me some pills that made me pretty sleepy.

So that’s why I wasn’t at school on Valentine’s Day, and why I had a cast on my arm for all those weeks. And why, two days later, Dad moved out. I know I lied to you about it, told you I fell down the back stairs, and I’m really sorry for that. I just didn’t know how to tell you. It wasn’t as if you didn’t know he hit me, but you didn’t know how bad it got. I don’t think you ever will. Dad was meanest when it was just us, especially if Mom or Jonathan weren’t around, and for a long time I was too ashamed to tell anyone the truth, because I couldn’t stop wondering what was wrong with me that made him have to act like that.

I know better now. It wasn’t me, it was him. He shouldn’t have done that - and the stupid thing is that I always sort of knew it. If your Dad had been like that, I would have been the first person to say that was wrong, and I would have … I don’t know what I would have done, but I would know that you didn’t deserve it.

It’s just that, for the longest time, I thought I did.

This letter was supposed to be about us having a good day. As usual, it’s turned into me spilling my angsty bullshit all over the page, so I’m going to stop writing. I really hope you and El can talk tonight, it would make her so happy.

Love,

Will

P.S. I wish I’d been able to give you that card. And I wish I could just

*****

February 14 1986

Dear Will,

Well, yet again I’ve been a total ditz. I completely forgot about Valentine’s Day – in my defence, it’s not like I have a lot of experience doing that sort of stuff, but still. I have a girlfriend now, I’m supposed to remember things like this. I really need to get my act together.

I did get El a card, but it’s not going to get there for a few days because I literally only mailed it this afternoon. I cut last period to go buy it, so if my Dad finds out I’m toast. There were only a few left at Melvald’s because of course everyone else actually remembered and bought theirs last week. I ended up getting one that has cute kittens on it, fingers crossed El likes it. (I don’t know, does she even like cute things?) There was a pretty good verse inside it, at least, which saved me from being tongued-tied about what to say.

It sounds really bad, but the only reason I remembered was that Max was having a bit of a rant about it when I got to school today. She was going about Valentine’s Day not being a ‘real’ holiday, something about greeting card companies making money off suckers and how the day has turned into a reason for girls to get upset if they don’t get any attention. How we’re all being exploited, etc etc etc. Typical Max. The funny part was when Lucas pulled out the card he’d got for her and asked her if she still wanted it. She went bright red like a giant tomato! Dustin and me were trying not to laugh but I don’t think we were very successful because she gave us one of her death glares, snatched the card, and stomped off. Lucas was all confused, he didn’t know if he should go after her. We weren’t much help because by that stage we were laughing our asses off.

I felt a bit sorry for Lucas. He never knows how things are going to go with Max – but he keeps getting back together with her so I guess it really must be true love.

Anyway, that’s when I realized I should have sent a card to El. And I feel shitty that it’s going to be late, and she might get upset. I can hear Nancy in her room, from the sound of it she’s talking to Jonathan on the phone. Maybe I should bike out to Cerebro and try to call her, at least wish her happy Valentine’s Day in person. I’ll be back.

Whew, that worked. I got to explain that her card was on the way (and thank god you explained how the mail sometimes gets held up! You are a life-saver, as always). But what the hell? She got a Valentine’s card from another boy? Two other boys?? It took me a minute to realize she was talking about your friend Javier and his friend (I think she said his name was Dean?). That was so unexpected, but I’m really glad they thought of her. I think it made the day a bit more special for El. And she deserves it, she should be one of those girls who gets a lot of Valentines.

But speaking of getting a lot of Valentines – El also told me you got some, too. Like, a whole heap of them! And she said you were happy about it, so it wasn’t some asshole like Troy putting mean shit in your locker again. Wow, how’s it feel to be popular with girls?

It makes me feel a little weird, think about it. Not that you’re popular! Obviously, the girls in Lenora are way smarter than the ones in Hawkins, and they can see how awesome you are. It’s just ….. I don’t really know. El told me one of the cards you got was from Javier, and I know he’s your friend, so it must have been like a friendship thing, and it got me thinking.

Why didn’t I ever do that for you?

I know we used to always roll our eyes and say that Valentine’s Day was gross and dumb, so I guess I never really thought about giving someone a card for friendship. It does make sense, though. I’m kicking myself now that I never thought of getting you one – I suppose that’s why it makes me feel a bit annoyed that Javier did think of it. And he’s not even your best friend, at least I hope he’s not.

There I go again. I should be happy you’ve got friends in Lenora, and I am, I really am. And from the sound of everything, Javier would be way better at being your best friend than I’ve been. He probably wouldn’t blow you off or say stupid shit to hurt you like I did, I bet. (And he better not, because if he does I will kick his ass when I get there at Spring Break!) It just hurts when I just hate thinking that you oh fuck it. Why am I not just saying it? You’ll never read this, anyway, so I might as well come clean.

It hurts to think that someone else might be your best friend. I know I have no business thinking like that after the shit I pulled, but it really does. Maybe it’s selfish – who am I kidding, of course it’s selfish – but I don’t want you to find someone else because that place belongs to me. Even though I don’t deserve it. I’m gonna earn it back, I promise

Writing all this makes me want to call you right now and beg you to forgive me for everything and take me back. It’s after 10, so I wouldn’t even be allowed to, and even if I did call, I know I’d be too awkward and embarrassed to actually say anything without screwing it up. You’d probably end up confused and angry with me all over again.

So I’ll have to show you. El will understand me taking time to fix things with you, I’ll make sure to spend a lot of time with her first so she doesn’t feel like I’m leaving her out. Maybe a couple of days after I get there you and I can do something together, just us.

In the meantime …. I guess I’ll cross my fingers and hope that I still have a chance to get us back the way we used to be.

Love, Mike

Chapter Text

February 21 1986

Dear Will,

I think I’ve finally worked out how to write good letters to El. Only took me 6 months! Actually, more like 5? Anyway. I don’t think there was anything wrong with the way I was writing, but …. I dunno, I got the feeling that maybe El expected something else? So I sat down and read some of her letters to me and I realized that they were full of everyday stuff she was doing. Mostly I’d been asking her questions. So I decided to just write about boring normal stuff – and she liked it! At least that’s what she said last night when we talked. I don’t know why she would be interested in things that happen in Chem class or whether the Tigers won their last game (they did, by the way, but Lucas got benched again ), but she is.

It definitely makes writing a lot less hassle. Now if I could only figure out how to write to you properly. I know you don’t care about boring shit at school, and I don’t get enough time to read these days to write you about new books (except the books I have to read for school and wow are they boring. Major snooze-fest). With my luck I’ll think of something just before I get on the plane to come to California.

Only a month to go! Pretty sure the time is gonna crawl until then, but I am starting to believe that it’s really gonna happen. I guess I was kind of waiting for something to go wrong like with Thanksgiving and Christmas. Looks like it’s full speed ahead though!

Mom was teasing me last night because I watched some of the nightly news with Dad. I was only looking at the national weather forecast, not actually spending time with him, no way. Not that he even noticed I was there, I’m sure. I’m okay with that because when he does notice me he’s always on about how I should get a haircut because I’m starting to look like a hippie.

Yeah, I’m growing my hair out a bit. I think it looks pretty cool, although I’ve got a long way to go to catch up with Eddie. His hair is halfway down his back! Pretty sure I won’t get to that point, though, before Dad finally forces me to get it cut. It’ll be a surprise when you see me, I hope you like it. I haven’t told El either, but I get the feeling she won’t hate it. She’s not boring about things like that.

So, yeah, I watched the news but only to get a look at the national forecast. I can’t believe the weather you have over there. It’s supposed to be 68 tomorrow?! That’s crazy. It’s still pretty cool here, which obviously you would know. Snow’s pretty much gone although I heard the janitor guy at school telling a teacher he thought we’d get one more storm because he could feel something wasn’t right in his bones. As if. That dude’s always saying weird stuff about his bones, like they’re psychic or something. Bet he didn’t know about the tunnels or anything like that though. Or anything else about the Upside Down.

Does it ever just hit you, sometimes, how much everyone around you doesn’t know about what really went on in Hawkins? I guess it’s a bit different for you, since your whole family was involved in things, but …… it gets to me a bit. Like, it seems dumb to get all freaked out about grades or whether I didn’t put my Hellfire shirt in the laundry last week or how many times George Washington crossed the Delaware when there are actual monsters. I know that they’re stuck on the other side now, but still.

Sure, I can talk to the guys, but Dustin wants to be all science nerd about it which can get boring really fast. And Lucas never wants to talk about it, like it never happened or it doesn’t matter. Which is crazy, right? Gates have opened before, so they could again, so we should at least keep watch. I don’t mean be paranoid or anything – just be aware of the signs.

As much as I hate to say it, maybe it’s better that you left. At least in California you don’t have to worry about anything else happening to you. If anyone deserves to leave that shit behind, it’s you. I mean, obviously El went through shit too, but that’s different. She’s got all those powers that you don’t. Or she did, I don’t know if she’s got them back and I don’t know how to ask her about it without sounding like a jerk.

Oh shit, I realized that what I just wrote makes it sound like I think you’re weak. I don’t , of course not! You stayed alive for a whole week in the Upside Down, and Hopper got sick after being in the tunnels for only a really short time. And you found a way to tell us how to stop the invasion of the demodogs even when the shadow monster was in your head. Sure maybe you can’t move shit with your mind but that’s just one kind of power. Not every X-Man is Phoenix, right?

You’re strong. You’re maybe the strongest person I know. If I’d had to deal with all the shit you have, I’d be a total basket case, if I even survived!

Have I ever told you not? I don’t know if I have. I should tell you. Part of me wants to go call you up right now …. but I’m not sure how I’d even bring it up. Hey Will, how’s it going, by the way I think you’re incredibly strong and cool and I miss the hell out of you? Urgh. No. Maybe if I can find the right time when we’re in the same state.

Not long now!

Love, Mike

PS Nancy has a gun! A real one! She doesn’t know I know, but I overheard her talking to someone about it on the phone (probably Jonathan because who else would it be). She said she’s been practising out in the woods and she’s a pretty good shot now. How wild is that?? My sister the gunslinger.

*****

February 22, 1986

Dear Mike,

Something really awful happened today, and there’s no one at home I can talk to about it. I feel really alone, so I guess this fake letter will have to do.

Aaron is gone. He wasn’t at school this morning, which is pretty unusual. He’s one of those people who actually likes school - even when he’s sick he comes to class, so for him not to be there was weird. All of us in the Rainbow Club got together at break to talk about it, and no one knew anything. Javi thought it probably wasn’t anything dire, but I couldn’t help thinking it could be something really bad, not that I had any reason. I know there’s nothing going on here in Lenora like there was in Hawkins. Jamie knows his family - she has this arrangement with Aaron where occasionally she’d go out places with him, just to make it look like he was dating girls like a “normal” boy, which is really shitty but I get it. She said she’d call them at lunch and see what was up with him, and meet us in the art room.

The whole way through fourth period, I had a terrible feeling. It was History so there was no one in the class I knew besides El, and I couldn’t really talk to her. She gets so focused in class, like it’s a matter of life or death to make sure she writes down everything the teacher says.

We waited for most of lunch, and when Jamie finally came, she looked really strange, really pale and shaky. She just sort of collapsed on Kelly and started crying. I thought maybe Aaron had been in an accident and was in hospital - no, that’s not really true. I thought he’d been killed. I can’t help it, my mind always assumes the worst.

The thing is, though, this time it was even worse than that.

When she calmed down a bit, Jamie told us that Aaron’s parents had found out he was gay. She doesn’t know how they knew, but she said they told her because they thought Aaron had been using her and lying to her all this time. She couldn’t exactly explain they were wrong, so she just shut up and let them talk. She said she got so angry listening to them say how Aaron was sick, how he was on an evil path. But then they told her they were going to save him. They’d sent him to a special school that would cure him so he would like girls the way he should.

I didn’t really understand what that meant, but the others reacted really violently. Rosa made this little choked-up scream, and I thought Ben might actually faint. Dion grabbed Javi and swallowed him up in this hug like he was shielding him. It was Dion who explained to me why this was so awful.

It seems there are organisations whose whole purpose is to make people not gay anymore. Most of them are church things, although I guess the one Aaron went to might have been Jewish? Anyway they have boarding schools and the kids who get sent there do normal school stuff, but also these programs with doctors and shrinks.

I was so stupid. I actually asked if that was really so bad. All I could think of was how different things might have been for me if Mom had sent me to one of those schools. Maybe I wouldn’t have been bullied so much, maybe I would actually have felt like a normal person if I didn’t also have all these feelings. But I don’t think I’ll ever forget the way Javi looked at me when I asked that.

He screamed at me that I didn’t know what I was talking about, kids got tortured at those places just for being who they are, and he started to say something else but it was like he couldn’t get it out. And then he just ran out of the room. Dion went after him immediately and I was going to follow, but Ben told me to let them have time alone with each other.

Ben told me what really happens in the special schools. Kids get made to feel even more ashamed of themselves, they get forced to do things that “normal” (he made the quotes sign) people do. Girls learn cooking and makeup, boys shoot guns and play sports. You get beaten if you do stuff that’s not masculine enough, Ben said. And they do worse than that. He told me that some places lock kids in little tiny rooms for days at a time, or make them run laps until they fall down or puke.

And the therapy is like half Bible stuff and half making you watch sex films. They deliberately try to make you feel something and if you feel the wrong thing, they give you electric shocks!

And no one ever gets cured, not really. Some kids say they are but when they get back home they are either miserable or they run away. And some just get broken, Ben said.

I didn’t believe it at first. Honestly, how could something like that happen without people finding out about it? Then I started thinking about Dad, and what he used to do to me to make sure I didn’t grow up to be queer, and suddenly it didn’t seem as impossible. I asked Ben how he knew all this stuff, and he told me there used to be a kid at this school who was a friend of Javi’s who got sent to one of those places last year. When he got back he told them all about what they did to him.

And he I can’t believe this, I’m actually starting to cry. Javi’s friend killed himself. Because he was gay, and his parents and this school made his life into a living hell, and he just couldn’t stand it anymore.

After that I had to leave the art room. I looked for Javi and Dion until I saw Dion’s car was gone, and I figured they’d skipped afternoon classes. I left a note in Javi’s locker saying I was sorry, so he’ll see it when he comes to school tomorrow. The rest of the day was a write-off for me - I can’t remember anything from the lessons, because all I could think about was what Ben had said, and what Aaron might be going through right now.

And even after I got home, it still wasn’t over. Mom told me there was a letter for me in the mail. Of course I thought it must be from you, so for a second there I was incredibly happy. But it wasn’t, it was from Aaron. I think he must have written it a couple of days ago. In the letter he said he’d mailed it because he was too embarrassed to put a note in my locker in case I didn’t react well to it.

He said he liked me - in that way. Like Javi and Dion like each other. He said he knew he didn’t have a chance with me because I was still coming around to being okay with who I am, but he wanted me to know.

What am I supposed to do now, Mike? He was right, I didn’t feel like that about him, but what if that was how his parents found out? Did he say something about me that made them realize he liked me? Is it my fault?

Rationally I know I’m not responsible for what his parents did, but I’m not feeling very rational right now. I feel like there’s something about me that just gets people hurt, like maybe I was cursed by the Upside Down and it’s still there even though the gate is closed. Bob is dead, Hopper is dead, El and Mom are miserable all the time (even though Mom tries not to show it). And then there’s all the crap you and the rest of the Party had thrown at them because of me. Like I’m poisonous or something. And maybe Aaron got poisoned because I let him get too close to me and now he’s locked up in a place where he’s been tortured really hurt.

Wow, how selfish am I. Making it all about me. I’m not the one who’s in danger or who lost someone. I suck.

I hope Javi’s okay. I hope Aaron’s okay, too. I need to think of other people for a change.

Love,

Will

P.S. It’s really late, 3:46am according to my watch. I just woke up from a nightmare. Not the usual kind but sort of related. In the dream I kissed a boy for the first time, and it was really nice. But then he started gasping like he couldn’t breathe and then all this black smoke started pouring out of my mouth like I still had the shadow monster in me and it went into his and he just … died. While I was holding him.

Maybe it’s better that I’m nowhere near you. Maybe I shouldn’t be near anyone.

Chapter Text

February 26, 1986

Dear Mike,

Now Dion’s gone. Not to one of those torture places, at least, although I’m sure he doesn’t feel very lucky.

He was at baseball practice on Monday (he gets to do that instead of regular gym), and something must have gone wrong. I don’t know all the details, but from what Javi said (we’re talking again at least) he was sliding into home and somehow hurt his knee really badly. Bad enough that an ambulance came to the school and took him to hospital. He’s still there and will probably have to stay a couple of weeks, then he’ll have to go to special therapy for months. And even then, Javi said, he might never be able to play baseball again.

Dion’s devastated, of course. He really had his heart set on that scholarship and playing in the big leagues when he was older. I made a card for him so that Javi could give it to him when he visited, but I really didn’t know what to say. How do you tell someone you’re sorry that their life was completely ruined by something no one had any control over?

At least he’ll be able to see Javi as much as possible. Dion’s parents know they’re in a relationship (because Dion told them once he realized how bad his injury was), and they’re okay with it! So Javi will be able to be with Dion as much as they both want, and Dion’ll have someone there to love and support him. It probably doesn’t sound like much, but sometimes, as much as it’s great to have your Mom or Dad there, you also need someone who just cares about you who isn’t family.

That’s who you are for me, Mike. At least, you were. I don’t know if I can still say that, after everything that happened and all this time when I’ve barely heard from you. I know some of that is my fault - a lot of it, really. There are so many letters I should have sent to you, if only I wasn’t so scared of … well, everything, really. Mostly of finding out that you really don’t miss me and don’t want to keep in touch. That’s so stupid and cowardly, but that’s who I am.

But maybe I don’t have to be. I don’t think I can just leap into telling you everything, but maybe I could show you a little bit of how important you are to me.

I’ve been drawing the whole time I’ve been here, and painting too. I do want you to see most of what I’ve drawn, but I’ve decided I want to make something special. Not just something that you’ve seen and liked, but a painting actually designed for you. I’m still working out details for what it will be, but I have a general idea and a few sketches.

Mr Mitchell is amazing. He’s let me borrow an easel, and given me a canvas already prepared for painting on. (It’s a whole process, which I love doing, but it’s also great to have a head start.) He even said that if I had trouble getting paints, to talk to him first and he’d see what he could do! I can’t explain how it feels to have a teacher (especially a male teacher) encourage me to do art. When I had my first class with him, I spent half the time waiting for him to say something about how art was for girls and not “real” boys. He didn’t, and he never has.

With Dion away, I can’t hang out after school with the Rainbow Club anymore because there’s no one else who could drive me home and Mom still won’t let me be like every other kid in Lenora. In one week I’ve gone from having a whole group of new friends to not really having anyone again. I know it’s not Dion’s fault, it’s nobody’s fault, and I was lucky to have what I did. Without them I would never have been able to even start to accept who I am. I just … I wish. Yeah, I wish.

But it does mean that I will have lots of time to spend on making this painting the best I can, so from now on that’s what I’m going to concentrate on. There’s so much I want it to say, and I know I won’t be able to put half of that into the picture. But I hope you do understand it even a little bit … and hopefully give me a chance to make up for everything.

Love,

Will

*****

February 27 1986

Dear Will,

I realized something today. I don’t know what all of it means, but I think part of it means that I really am a shitty boyfriend.

It started at lunch. It was rectangle pizza for the 3rd day in a row – and yeah, we all like pizza but we were getting bored. That didn’t stop us eating it of course. I was bitching about it with Lucas and suddenly Dustin made this big sigh and said he wondered what Suzy was eating for lunch right now. So we ended up talking about whether Mormon school lunches were different from ours, and if they had pizza. Dustin’s always doing stuff like that, just saying random things out of nowhere about Suzy. It’s like she’s always on his mind. I guess that makes sense, she’s his girlfriend, so why wouldn’t he be thinking about her a lot?

At the time, it didn’t even really register to me, it was so normal. But later – much later, not until I was lying in bed trying to read before Mom made me go to sleep – it came back to me and it was really bothering me. And now it’s after midnight, and it’s all I can think about. That I don’t think about El like Dustin does about Suzy.

I miss her, of course I do. But it’s not …… she’s not on my mind the way Suzy is on Dustin’s. Like, I never wondered about what she had for school lunch, or if she’d like a movie that I’d just watched. I don’t even think I’d ever really thought until now about the fact that everything about school, about everything, would be completely new to her. And I don’t really know anything other than what she tells me.

I know she likes Eggos, and magazines, and thinks Michael J. Fox is cute although she’s never seen Back to the Future. And she has friends at school named Angela and Stacy. But I don’t know what her favorite color is or what music or food she likes or what she does for fun or anything like that. I had to ask Max what to get El for Christmas because I had no idea. And I don’t know these things because I’ve never asked her !

Why haven’t I asked her? What’s wrong with me? How can I be a good boyfriend for her when it doesn’t even occur to me to find out if she likes, I don’t know, milkshakes?!

I mean, I know your favourite color is yellow, and you like X-Men more than the Avengers, and you think me having syrup on my eggs is weird. I know cleric is your favorite D&D class because they have healing spells, and magic-user is your second favorite. I know you broke your arm in 5th grade and when Troy caught you and wrote shitty things on your cast you got me to draw a really crappy picture to cover it up. I even know you have friends named Javier and Dion out there in California, so it’s not just that I’ve known you longer.

So if I can know all and find out all this stuff about you even when you’re not here, why haven’t I done the same thing with El? Do I just not care enough? That can’t be it, though, because I do care about her. I couldn’t stand it if anything bad happened to her, and I want to be able to protect her – especially now that she doesn’t have her powers. In a way I’m glad she’s safe in California, but if she was here and anyone left over from Hawkins Lab tried to hurt her, I’d defend her.

But that’s all big things. It’s a whole lot of little things I don’t know, and it seems like those little things are the most important. It’s like I’m missing something in myself that Dustin and Lucas have got. Jonathan, too, because I hear Nancy talking to Mom about some of the stuff they talk about and their plans for the future.

I wrote you all these fake letters because I miss you so much and I wonder all the time what you’re doing and how things are for you, but I can’t do that for my own girlfriend? What’s wrong with me?

I need to start making a real effort. When I come to California I should pay more attention to what El actually likes. And I have to fix things with you. I just hope I can do this all properly.

Love, Mike

Chapter Text

March 6 1986

Dear Will,

Only two weeks to go. I’m actually starting to believe it might happen this time. There’s a real plane ticket pinned up on the corkboard in the kitchen, I keep checking on it like it might disappear when I’m not looking. Dumb, right?

But the thing is, there’s only one ticket there. Nancy told Mom that she wasn’t going after all! She says she has stuff to do at the school paper which can’t wait, but that makes no sense at all. I mean, the school is shut during break, so it’s not like she can get into the newspaper room and do anything there, and if she doesn’t need to use the room, then why can’t she just write her articles or whatever in California? She was just as disappointed as me about Christmas, I never thought she’d bail on this.

I did try to talk to her about it – it didn’t really go well. I asked her if she’d talked to Jonathan and she snapped at me that he was fine with it, and it’s none of my business anyway. It was kind of like the old Nancy came back for a second, the one who’d just boss me around because she felt like it. For a while there I wondered if maybe she’d broken up with him on one of their phone calls, although there haven’t been many of those lately, she’s having the same problem I had with never getting through. There must be something wrong with your phone, nobody can be on calls that much. But then I figured if they had broken up she wouldn’t lie about it. I don’t know what’s going on with her, and she’s acting pissed at me, but she did go to bat for me too, so I am grateful for that at least.

When she said she wasn’t going, I really panicked. I thought there was no way Mom and Dad would let me go on a plane halfway across the country on my own. Mom did look like she was going to call it all off. Nancy was the one who convinced her I was old enough to be trusted. There’s all these conditions of course – I had to promise to find you guys as soon as I got there, and not wander off, and I’m supposed to call home as soon as we get to your house, and my Mom is planning to call your Mom to check up on me. I think she’s totally overreacting, I’ll only be gone a week! I didn’t argue though, no way was I risking her changing her mind.

So it’ll just be me and you and El. It might make ditching Jonathan harder if he’s not distracted by Nancy, but we’ll work it out.

I don’t know if you guys have made plans for things for us to do while I’m there? You probably have, but I hope there’s some extra time in there to just hang out. It’s kind of a shame you don’t live near the beach because I’ve always wanted to go. That one holiday we took to Lake Michigan when I was a kid doesn’t count, the waves there are lame. There’s probably heaps of other stuff we can do. El did say she wants just her and me to go on a date, but I will make it up to you. I promised I wouldn’t ditch you and I will definitely keep that promise.

I’ve been wondering how much you’ve changed since you left. Are you taller? Do you have a different haircut? Do you wear different clothes in California? Shit, how do Californians dress, anyway? Maybe I should swallow my pride and ask Max, I don’t want to look like some country hick guy, that would be beyond embarrassing. Ugh, that’s a conversation that’ll be painful, she’s never gonna let me forget it.

Eddie gave me a mixtape of some of the songs he had me listen to when I was re-stringing my guitar. He told me – more like commanded me – to make sure I listen to it a lot while I’m gone. He said he’s not going to have his good work educating me go to waste, just because I’m on holiday I can’t slack off and let my brain turn into ‘pop mush’ again. He also gave me tabs for some of the songs that he wrote out himself. Tabs are like written music but different, definitely not as difficult to read, it’s more about showing the chords and how to do the fingering. It took a while to get the hang of it, but I think I’m pretty good now.

I started practising Wish You Were Here. It’s a bit hard, because really the song is for two guitars, I can’t wait to be able to play it with Eddie. The main guitar is pretty easy, the riffs are taking a bit to work out. It’s a really sad song. Not in a make-you-cry way, more the kind of sad where you just feel like it’s raining even when the sun’s out. When I sing it, there’s sort of a lump in my throat. (Yeah, I started singing too. I’m probably not very good but hopefully I’ll get better with more practice.)

Yesterday after school I took my guitar and biked out to Castle Byers. It wasn’t something I planned, I just got the urge to go there. It’s in really bad shape, since the storm half knocked it down the weather has made it a lot worse. I know you’ll never come back and use it again, but it was still kind of awful to see it like that. I propped the sign back up as best I could, because ….. well, I guess because I want there to be something left to show other people that it was a place we loved.

And then I sat down next to it and got my guitar out, and I played and sang Wish You Were Here. I said it wasn’t a crying song, but by the end of it I was actually crying. That surprised the hell out of me. I haven’t cried for ages and I definitely didn’t expect to then. It just happened, like I had this bubble of sadness and missing you inside me getting bigger, until it burst.

I didn’t exactly feel better afterwards. I was a bit calmer, though. And I had a really good night’s sleep last night, which was a change. (I don’t think I’ve said in these fake letters, but I don’t sleep well these days. I’m awake until 1 or even 2 am, it’s like my brain won’t shut up. That makes getting up in the morning really hard.)

I wish I could bring my guitar with me to California, I could play something for you – and I know you wouldn’t just give me shit about it, like Dustin or Lucas would. Maybe if we can finally work out something where you can come to Hawkins (maybe over summer), I can play then. It’ll give me time to really practise and improve so I won’t embarrass myself.

15 days to go. I’m marking it off on the calendar. Can’t wait to see you.

Love, Mike

*****

March 7, 1986

Dear Mike,

The painting is really starting to come together. I’m taking my time, and I’m glad I started on it early. Paint is so different to drawing. You have to build it up in layers, and you have to let each layer dry completely before you do the next bit. It’s crazy how much work there is just in doing a sky, let alone a detailed figure like a person. It helps that the weather here is good - it’s not humid yet, so the paint dries pretty quickly. It’s actually good in a way, because it means that I can really think about what I’m going to do next, instead of just going ahead and trying to do it all at once. So while I’m waiting I do sketches of the things I’m going to put in the painting.

I showed my rough sketch of the composition to Mr Mitchell. He had a few suggestions, and it really does look better now. He’s the only one who’s seen them, I haven’t shown anything to Mom or El (or Jonathan, but he’s barely here even when he’s in the same room anyway). The painting stays covered when I’m at school or meals. I’ve even asked El not to come in to chat while I’m working on it. She didn’t really understand, which I guess is not so surprising. I didn’t really do a good job of explaining, all I could really say was it was a special case.

I don’t know why I feel like this, maybe I’m a bit superstitious. This is something so important to me, and I don’t want anything to mess with it. That looks so stupid written down.

The other reason is that it’s private. It’s between you and me, even though you don’t even know it exists yet. Obviously when I give it to you, other people are going to see it because you’ll probably hang it up in your basement (at least I hope you will!), but that’s different. A finished painting is supposed to be seen. Until it’s finished, though, I feel like people could see too much of me. I guess it might be a bit like when you would make up our campaigns - you didn’t like us to know how you were putting it together, even when we would all play it and find out everything eventually anyway.

Well, you were like that more with Lucas and Dustin. I remember you sometimes were so excited about some encounter you’d just come up with that you couldn’t keep it to yourself, so you’d call me up and swear me to secrecy. I think I got pretty good at acting surprised so the others wouldn’t figure out I knew.

I’m stalling again. That really seems to be my superpower. I promised myself I would write about this though, so I need to just toughen up and do it.

In the letter Aaron wrote me, he said he liked me. I said that before. He also said he knew I wasn’t comfortable with coming out completely yet, but that wasn’t all of it. I’m just going to copy here what he wrote.

“I know everything is still new and weird for you. It takes time and everyone is different. Sometimes I’m not sure if I’ve actually accepted this part of myself all the way. I understand you’re probably not ready to think about dating. If it was just that I think I could wait for you, but it isn’t. I think you already gave your heart away, Will, long before you came to live here. You may not think it shows but I can see it. Maybe you will let him go eventually, or maybe you might even be able to go back and tell him how you feel one day. Whoever he is, I hope he’s worthy of you. My bubbe used to say some people have beautiful souls and that’s what I think you are. You deserve to be loved by someone who can see that. Even though it won’t be me, I want you to have that.”

God, I’m crying again. I hate to think of Aaron in that terrible place. I want to tell him thank you for telling me how he feels. I want to say sorry I can’t return his feelings. And I want to thank him for finally making me face the truth.

He’s right. About everything. I don’t know how he knew, but he’s right, and I have t

I can’t. I have to stop. Sorry.

Maybe next letter.

Love, Will

Chapter Text

March 15 1986

Dear Will,

By this time next week I’ll be having dinner with you in California! I thought it was never going to happen but now it seems like time has sped up. There’s so much to do and only a few days to do it in. I’ve got all these assignments to finish, including a whole Spanish grammar make-up test because I’m only getting a C – I don’t get the big deal, it’s not like I’m failing or anything, but the teacher (Mrs Boyle, she’s new and her speaks Spanish with an Irish accent, can you believe it) is on my case for some reason. There’s D&D on Friday night – the final episode of Eddie’s epic campaign, so hopefully I’ll have some good stories to tell you about that. And I have to pack.

Mom wants me to start packing now, which is nuts. There’s plenty of time. I’ve already got the Christmas presents and your mixtape sitting on top of my suitcase, there is no way I’m forgetting them. The rest is just clothes and that won’t take long. Come to think of it though, I probably should ask Mom to wash some stuff.

Still haven’t gotten around to finding out what Californians wear (apart from summer clothes all year round). I know I should talk to Max, I’m just being a chicken about it. Whatever happens, she’s gonna hassle me, so I might as well get it over with, right? I think you’ll be surprised though, because you know those polos I used to wear all the time? Gone. I finally persuaded Mom to let me choose my own stuff when she’s buying clothes for me. Eddie, the asshole, says it’s a sign I’m finally growing up. I can’t even be mad at him though because he’s kinda right. It does feel good knowing that even if what I’m wearing looks like shit, it’s shit that I chose. I’m not even sure that makes sense, but that’s how it is.

Mom wants me to make a list of clothes to pack – like, how many undies or pairs of socks, etc. What a waste of time. I am making another list, though, of things to find out from El, the little things I realized I don’t know. I need to be careful about it, because I don’t want her to feel like she’s being interrogated. So that means I have to make it a normal part of conversation but I have no idea how to do that. Nancy suggested we go shopping and I buy her something where El has to choose the color, which is actually pretty clever, because she’d definitely choose her favorite. I’m gonna write things down as I find them out and that way I won’t forget again. (Is that normal? Is that what Dustin does for Suzy? I’m not asking him though because that would be too embarrassing.)

I hope I don’t screw it up. I’m pretty nervous. But I’m more nervous about fixing things with you. Finding out someone’s favorite things is pretty easy, but making up for being a shitty friend, that’s much harder. I realized today I never apologized to you for what I said last year about growing up and not liking girls. Well, I tried to, but that’s when you said the Mind Flayer was back and it was like everything else got dropped immediately. And for some reason – let’s face it, because I’m a loser – I completely forgot I hadn’t properly apologized.

Is it too late to apologize now? Will I just make it weird if I try to talk about it with you? Ugh, I don’t know. I want to talk about it because I’ve worked out that what I said was shitty in so many ways.

I’m also nervous about meeting your friends, especially Javier. The way El talks it’s like he’s become your best friend, and I hate that . I finally said it. Wrote it. Whatever. I hate the idea that he’s replaced me, but at the same time I know I should be happy that you have someone to always have your back, and hang out with, and everything. So I need to stop being so selfish, because I know (well, I hope) you’d want us to get along. Part of me really doesn’t want to get along with him. Part of me wants to push him away and tell him that the position of Will’s best friend has already been taken. Another part of me says, what did I expect? A true best friend wouldn’t treat you like I did. A true best friend wouldn’t take you for granted and expect you to wait around while I figured out how to be a proper boyfriend.

My hands are actually shaking a bit while I write this. I can’t lose you, Will. The idea that you might become someone I just used to hang out with is so wrong and so scary that it makes me want to scream and punch something. You’re my other half and I need you to be that forever, no matter what. I know that’s who El should be for me but I’m greedy, can’t I have you both? Do I have to choose?

A week isn’t enough time to do all the things I have to do, but Mom says I have to be back before Spring Break ends so we can get ready for school again. Honestly, I couldn’t care less. School’s always gonna be there, but you won’t.

Love, Mike

*****

March 15, 1986

Dear Mike,

It’s only one week until I see you, so I can’t put this off any longer. And what happened today was the kick in the butt I needed.

Rosa found me in the art room at lunch (I’m back there again, Javi usually spends breaks going to Dion’s teachers to collect his homework, and the others have their friends - and honestly, I don’t feel like I can try to just insert myself into that), and told me she’d had a letter from Aaron. It seems they let him write letters, though she’s pretty sure that they read them before they get sent, because she said the letter was full of stuff that Aaron would never say. She didn’t go into detail, but I’m pretty sure I can guess. This school or camp or whatever it is sounds like it’s full of teachers who are basically all my Dad and the bullies I grew up with. You learn pretty quickly to say what they want to hear if you don’t want to get beaten up.

Anyway, she also said there was a message for me in the letter. Actually, it was a message for ‘Willow’, which she said is what Aaron would call me if his parents started asking about whether there was someone he liked. (He had to pretend to them that I was a girl so he could talk about me, that’s so sad.) It was pretty simple - “tell Willow to keep drawing, and to be brave”. Rosa didn’t know what that last bit was about, but I did.

So. God, my heartbeat just sky-rocketed.

What Aaron said in his letter was right. There is already someone I like. More than like, it’s what he said, someone I’ve given my heart to.

It’s you, Mike.

Holy shit. I finally said it.

Everyone always said we had a special friendship, and for years I told myself that’s all it was. This was how best friends are. But somewhere along the line, and I really don’t know when, you started to be more than that. I didn’t just look forward to hanging out with you, I started to miss you when you weren’t there. Even when I knew I’d see you the next day at school, I still missed you.

And when I was with you, I was so happy. But here’s the weird thing, I also started to feel awkward around you. Was I staring too much? Was I standing too close? Did I laugh too loudly when you clowned around or told bad jokes? I started watching the way Lucas and Dustin acted, and it was so obvious to me that I was different.

At the same time I was starting to realize that everyone else was starting to look at girls like they could be more than friends, and I wasn’t. When we talked about it, I was always thinking, Mike is the only person who I would want to be with like that. Back then I was still trying to convince myself I’d grow up and one day some switch in my head would get thrown and I’d start wanting a girlfriend, too, but it didn’t matter to me because I had you.

I tried to tell myself that it was a normal thing, just some perfectly innocent crush that I’d grow out of. Because boys can’t be in love with boys, can they. But it didn’t go away. I just kept falling for you more and more. Even when you were being crappy, it didn’t change how I felt. I knew I couldn’t tell you, so I just tried to show you in as many ways as I could. I drew pictures I knew you’d like, I always told you how much I loved your campaigns, that sort of thing. I even started putting syrup on my eggs like you do because if you liked it, then it had to be good, right? (I didn’t like it at first, but now I can’t imagine eating them any other way.)

And then you started dating El.

I felt like the ground had given way under me. We’d talked about her, and you always said she was awesome because she was a superhero, and kind of fun even though she didn’t know anything about the real world. I knew you missed her, and I felt so bad for you, but I didn’t realize you actually liked her. The same way I liked you. Of course I told myself that obviously you would never like me that way - you’re not a freak like I am - but it hurt so much. It still hurts, every day.

Leaving Hawkins was hard because I felt like I was tearing away half of my heart and leaving it with you. I cried for like a week. I thought that maybe it was better to leave, though, maybe if I was away from you these feelings would go away. But they didn’t go away. Every time El got a letter from you and I didn’t, and when she would talk to you on the phone or walkie, it would just eat me up inside. I stopped writing you because all I ever wanted to say was how much I missed you and how much it hurt that you didn’t think of me.

I know I have no right to feel this way. I have no right to be jealous of El because you love her and not me. I have no right to expect you to be anything more than a friend, and maybe not even a best friend now you have her. She reads me your letters sometimes and I get so mad, even though there’s usually not much in them, because at least you’re talking to her. Thinking of her. I don’t know if you even think of me much anymore.

I should be happy that you have someone you love and who loves you, and I’m trying, Mike, I’m really trying. I hate this part of me that wishes you’d never met her. That hopes maybe one day you’ll suddenly realize that it’s me you wanted to be with all along. I know that will never happen, but I can’t help it.

I miss you so much it’s like a physical pain. I miss the way your face would light up when you saw something I was drawing. I miss the way you’d look at me across the campaign map with that little smile because you were about to spring a fiendish trap on us with a puzzle I’d have to solve, and I miss how happy you were when I did solve it. I miss how your voice used to get soft and private when you were talking to me, like you were telling secrets just for me.

I miss you being my paladin. I know you weren’t just a paladin for me, that you would stick up for Lucas and Dustin and especially El, but you don’t know what it meant for me to know that you would always be there to protect me and be my champion. You always made me think I could be brave, too. One of the few things I remember about being lost in the Upside Down was making up a D&D story in my head about you coming to my rescue and the two of us fighting off the monster. I knew it wouldn’t happen, but thinking about it helped me hang on.

I miss your freckles. I miss your messed-up hair when you woke up after a sleepover. I miss how grumpy you are in the morning, and I even miss you going off on rants about your parents or your sisters. I miss everything .

You’ll be here in a week, and maybe this is the worst possible time to be confessing - even if it is just a confession to a substitute you who lives in my mind. I don’t feel better for doing it. If anything I feel worse, because now I have to lock it all away again. Worse than that, I don’t even know how you feel about me as a friend anymore.

That’s what the painting is for, or at least that’s how it started. I thought if I did a painting that reminded you of what we used to like doing together, it might be a way to show you I did still want us to be best friends. Now I look at it and I realize that it’s not just that, and maybe it never has been. It feels like I’ve just put my heart into every brush stroke on that canvas and everyone will be able to see it. (I even painted you in the armor I imagined for you from the story I told myself in the Upside Down, bright and gleaming and with a huge red heart on your shield.)

Maybe I shouldn’t give it to you. Maybe it’s not fair to put all that on you. I don’t expect that you’ll see it and realize how I feel, and break up with El. I don’t want that (except part of me does want that, and I hate myself for it). But then again, maybe you will just see that I’ve never stopped being your best friend, and I never want to, and you won’t see everything else.

So there it is. I’m in love with you, Mike. I have been for what feels like forever. I know you don’t love me back, and it hurts so much I feel sometimes like it’s going to tear me to pieces inside. But at least I’ve stopped lying to myself about it, so maybe I will finally be able to learn to let go.

But I DON’T WANT TO.

Love,

Will

Chapter Text

March 21, 1986

Dear Mike,

This time tomorrow you’ll have been here for a whole day. I can’t believe it. Part of me is whispering that something will go wrong, your plane won’t be able to take off or your Dad will change his mind at the last minute, or I don’t know, the sky will fall and Yellowstone will blow up or something. (I learned about Yellowstone in Geography class today, how it’s actually a gigantic volcano, and now I am never going there because holy shit.)

There’s so much I want to say to you, and I’ve got no idea how to even start saying it. I need to talk to you about how bad things are for El. Today was one of the worst, those girls and their boyfriends really upset her. They destroyed her school heroes project that she did about Hopper - she worked so hard on it and was really proud of it, and they laughed at her in class and then deliberately smashed it. And for a moment it was like she forgot she didn’t have her powers anymore, and she was going to use them on those bullies. It scared me a bit, because the only time I’ve seen her that angry was when she was fighting that gross monster at the cabin.

I guess you’ll hear all this when you get here, and I’m sure you’ll know what to say to make her feel better, because I failed miserably.

It probably didn’t help that the teacher liked my project and even told off the guys who sit at the back for making rude noises. I expected that some people wouldn’t like it because I did my project on the computer guy Alan Turing, and they would hate it because he was gay. He went through so much, and it was totally unfair, and I wasn’t going to not mention it because people should know how badly he got treated. (It’s funny, I can be brave for other people all the time.) I didn’t expect the teacher to back me up though. It was a good feeling - but I think it made El feel worse because the teacher didn’t stop Angela from being a complete bitch to her.

And then there’s my stuff. Do I tell you I’m gay? Javi would say I definitely should, and if you didn’t accept it you wouldn’t deserve to be my friend. I don’t think he gets it, though. All our lives we grew up hearing that it’s awful and unnatural, like a disease or a curse or something. I still haven’t learned how to leave that behind, so how can I expect you to be okay with hearing that about your friend best friend? I want to believe that you’d be okay with it, but even if you rejected me, I couldn’t just turn around and hate you. It’s not like I can just throw away all those years.

I couldn’t kill how I feel about you, either. That’s the worst thing, and I guess it shows how stupid I am. If you told me being gay was disgusting and you didn’t want me around anymore, I’d still be in love with you.

And that’s another thing. The painting. I’m having second thoughts about giving it to you. I’m not scared you won’t understand it - exactly the opposite. I’m scared you will, that you’ll take one look at it and see everything I was thinking and feeling when I was making it. Maybe I’m over-reacting - no, I know I am - but you’ve always been so good at knowing what’s going on with me.

And now that nasty little voice in my head is saying that maybe you do know already. Maybe you figured it out, and that’s why you barely wrote to me. Maybe you think I’m repulsive now, and you don’t want us to be friends anymore, and you’re just tolerating me because you’re dating El. I’m telling that voice to shut up but sometimes it’s so loud it’s like I can feel someone whispering in my ear.

I think I will take the painting with me when we pick you up at the airport, and just see how things go when we finally meet again. Hopefully I’m worrying about nothing.

Less than half a day to go. I can’t wait to see you. In spite of everything, all my worrying and stressing, just thinking about us finally being in the same place together again makes me break out into a big dumb smile.

Love,

Will

*****

March 21 1986

Dear Will,

It’s after 1am and I should be sleeping because I have to get up before dawn to get to the airport, but I am wide awake. It feels like I’ve drunk 3 cans of Coke really quickly – I only had one, though, at D&D tonight and that was ages ago. There’s just too much stuff buzzing round in my head.

The game tonight is part of it. We did it, we kicked Vecna’s ass! Well, I didn’t, my character died horribly in the final battle, most of the party got killed except for Erica. (I know, I can't believe it either, we actually played D&D with Lucas's annoying little sister!) She subbed in for Lucas because it was the championship game night, and I guess he had to go sit on the bench again. Honestly I don’t know why he doesn’t just quit the team, he never gets to actually play.

I’ll tell you the full story of the campaign when I get there, but without Erica (her character is this excellent rogue named Lady Applejack, she’s kinda scary) we would have been toast. Like, it was a total nail-biter. Eddie is one amazing DM.

Anyway we were all totally buzzed after that, we didn’t get time to celebrate though because I had to get home early (I didn’t make it on time, but what’s new) and Eddie had somebody he needed to meet. When we were leaving the game had just finished and I guess we won, because everyone was cheering and yelling. Whatever, they chucked a ball in a laundry basket but we actually beat the worst monster we’d ever faced, so our night was way cooler.

I can’t believe I ever said that crap about growing up and not playing D&D anymore. So lame.

If it was just me still bouncing after the game that’d be fine, but you know me. I can’t stop worrying about all the things I have to do when I get to California. I thought about writing it down like a campaign, try to work out the best way to talk to you and find stuff out about El like it was some kind of dungeon crawl. Then I thought that was pretty stupid because I have no way of knowing what either of you have planned already. So I’m just gonna have to wing it and hope for the best. And now I have a whole new thing to worry about after El’s latest letter arrived this morning.

She said there’s a girl??! You like some girl and you’re doing a painting for her?!?!

Is this why you haven’t written? Is this who’s on your phone when I try to call to talk to you? All this time I’ve been thinking it was my fault, but maybe it’s not me? Maybe you just got a girlfriend and don’t have time for me anymore?

I feel like someone has swapped us, because now I want to yell at you the way you did at me when I kept ditching you last summer. I want to say everything that you said to me back then because it sucks. God, I was such a jerk – I’m still such a jerk – because I thought I understood why you were mad, but now I’m actually feeling the same way it makes it so much worse.

Will you want me to meet her? Are we supposed to double-date? El’s letter made it sound like she didn’t know who this girl is, though, so is she a secret?? Why would you keep a secret like that? And why wouldn’t you tell me???

It’s so dumb, I don’t even know this girl and I kinda hate her already. She probably hates me right back, if you told her how shitty I was to you. Would you tell her, though? I mean, El and I haven’t really talked about that sort of stuff so maybe that’s something you don’t do if you’re dating? But then Dustin says he and Suzy talk about everything including really big things, so I have no clue.

Oh shit, what if you haven’t told her you like her and you want advice on how to do that?! I have no idea – I can’t just say, oh you should get yourself into a horrible situation and throw in some monsters for kicks, and then you just wake up one day and suddenly you’re a boyfriend. I know what happened with me and El isn’t the normal way you start dating someone. I’m not the person to ask. You’d be better off asking someone like Steve, or even Eddie. That guy has wisdom, I’m telling you. He’d know what to say. (Damn, I wish I had time to call him up and ask him but he’s either asleep or partying.)

I have to stop winding myself up about this. I can’t do anything about it now, so if I keep going round and round in my head I’ll get no sleep at all and then when I do get to California I’ll be a zombie who’ll be no good at … whoa, not cool, Mike.

I guess I’ll just have to see how it goes. Hopefully the way you act when we finally see each other again will give me a clue about where to go from here.

Ugh, 3 hours before I have to get up. I’d better try to sleep.

I’ll see you soon, Will. I just hope I can fix things – I hope you can let me.

Love, Mike

Chapter Text

March 22, 1986

Dear Will,

I need a time machine. I need to jump into a Delorean and drive at 88 miles per hour and go back in time to yesterday, because what the hell is going on here??!

First I find out El’s been lying to me this whole time. Then I realise you’ve been lying to me, too – and then what was all that about us not being best friends anymore and me not being interested in you?!? After you spent the entire day dragging around like it was such a chore to be around me? It’s such bullshit, all of it. Did you and El make some kind of pact to lie to me? Why would you do that? If you didn’t want to go with us to the roller rink why didn’t you just say so? Why did you have to make me feel bad about it?

I wish I hadn’t come. I wish I was still at home with no clue about any of this. You don’t want me here and El is – Jesus, I don’t even know what’s going on with her. What she did to that girl …… I get punching a bully, but whacking someone in the face with a skate is ….. I don’t even know what to call it. The way that girl screamed …..

I’m supposed to be here for a whole week and I can’t even imagine how I’m gonna get through tomorrow. I can’t pretend like all of that didn’t happen. I’m so freaked out and I’m so mad at you. How could you lie to me all this time – and then say it’s my fault?!

- - -

Okay. It’s been a couple of hours. I just read what I wrote and … wow. I suck. I made it all about me and I blamed you so I guess I’m still that asshole who hurt you last summer after all. I don’t know what’s going on with me, I feel like I’m always five seconds away from exploding – but I shouldn’t do that at you.

It’s not fair of me to blame you for El’s lies. She’s your sister now so I get you wouldn’t want to betray her. And maybe you didn’t even know she was lying, either? But even if you did, I understand. I wish you had said something, but that’s different.

And I shouldn’t have yelled at you about not writing because I didn’t write either. I don’t know why you didn’t, but I’m sure it was for a good reason. I wish I could say the same for me because the reason I didn’t write was a stupid one. You’ve been my best friend forever – and we are best friends, you were right to say that to me – and I don’t know how all this silence grew up between us, I just know that some of it is my fault. Probably most of it.

I don’t even know why I acted the way I did yesterday. Sure, I was trying to make sure the day El had organised would go well, but I realize now that I cut you out. Again. I made you tag along after us all day and barely spoke to you and that was shitty of me. I just ….. I don’t know. I saw you at the airport and it’s like something went fuzzy in my brain.

It was you, of course it was – but you’ve changed so much. You’re so tall now, I’m so used to you being the shortest but now you’re nearly as tall as me. And you’re – have you been working out or something? Your arms and shoulders are crazy. And your voice, it’s even deeper than it sounded on the phone. I just … I freaked out and I don’t even know why.

And I did see how unhappy you were and I should have said something. I even did go to say something a couple of times but I realized that it would have been me talking about something we did that El hadn’t been there for, and I didn’t want to make her feel left out. Obviously that worked so well that I made you feel left out instead.

It’s really late, but so much of me really wants to go knock on your door and apologize and try to make things right between us. What happened is exactly the opposite of what I said I was going to do when I got here. Last time I got on my bike and rode through a storm, but somehow it seems harder to just walk out of here and go to the room next door. I want to make sure what I say comes out right. Maybe this is a mistake, but I think it’ll be better if I do this in the morning when I’ve really worked out how to make things better.

I guess I should talk to El too. I have no idea what to say though, because what the hell could I say?

I need to do better. I said I was gonna fix things with us and I still mean it.

I hope you can get some sleep. I hope I haven’t screwed everything up completely.

Love, Mike

*****

March 22, 1986

Dear Mike,

You’re one room away from me - one wall, really. You’re closer than you have been for months, but it feels like you’re even further away than when you’re in Hawkins. Everything is such a mess, and I have no idea how to even start to make it right.

It’s probably stupid of me to keep doing these letters. Mom would probably say I’m avoiding the situation, and she’d be right. I should be talking to you face to face. I’ve gotten used to writing to you and I haven’t worked out how to go back to really talking. But I should figure it out because you were right.

I should have actually written to you more. And I should have told you about El. I guess I thought that of course she’d tell you how she was feeling, and that you might not like it if I butted in, but that’s not a good excuse. She’s my sister now, and I didn’t protect her, and I should have told you.

And I was moping. I can admit that now. I don’t know, maybe actually writing down how I feel about you was a mistake. I thought I could keep it under control, but you read me like a book and knew I was feeling miserable. And it’s stupid, but … we didn’t even hug each other hello. I don’t know what happened - did you see it on my face and that’s why you didn’t want to touch me? Did I give it away?

I couldn’t give you the painting after that. Not when El was right there and you were acting like you didn’t want to know me.

I’m sorry I was awful today. It’s just that I’d been wanting to see you again for so long, and then there you were right in front of me, and even in those silly clothes you looked good. I know I had a stupid smile on my face. More than good, you looked beautiful. Long hair really works for you. All day I wanted to reach out and see if it feels as soft as it looks, and I know that sounds creepy because I have no right to want that, and it seems you don’t want to be close to me anymore either.

It hurt to see you hugging El, and holding hands, and paying so much attention to her. And it’s completely unfair of me to feel this way. I shouldn’t have let it show on my face so much. I probably shouldn’t have gone to the roller rink with you both, El obviously wanted it to be a date and I shouldn’t have tagged along.

But, Mike … you didn’t write either. El got letters from you all the time, and I got one letter and one and a half phone calls. If you’d decided we shouldn’t be best friends anymore, I wish you’d just told me. Ripped off the band-aid. It wouldn't have changed how I feel about you, but at least I would have had time to learn how to keep it all pushed down inside me. I don’t want to blame you because it’s equally my fault, probably more, I just wish … it doesn’t matter what I wish. That didn’t happen, so I have to deal with what really is happening.

I can’t believe how in one day things have gone to pieces like this. It feels like everything here up until now was just some weird dream, and now it’s turned into a nightmare. You’re not speaking to me, El’s not speaking to me (I tried to talk to her tonight but she didn’t want to see me), Jonathan’s not really here even when he’s in the room - and now Mom just casually announces she’s going to Alaska tomorrow for some stupid conference? And Mr Baumann Murray, of all people, is somehow in our house cooking dinner for us? I don’t understand anything that’s going on.

And - this is going to sound incredibly selfish - I don’t understand why not one person even said happy birthday. I didn’t expect a big party or anything, but I thought Mom might at least give me a birthday hug. Oh god, that looks so childish when I write it out. I’m acting like a kid, I just wanted … I don’t know what I wanted, really. Not to be forgotten, I guess?

Maybe it’s just that everything was so chaotic today. And maybe I should stop complaining about myself and act like a big brother for once.

I’m sitting on my bed while I write this, and it’s so late that you’re probably asleep. There’s only one wall between us. Part of me wants to reach through that wall and shake you awake and apologize, and try to work things out. But I know El is your priority, and I just need to back off and give you both the space you need.

I don’t want to. I want to grab you and beg you not to shut me out. I want to promise you I’ll be a better person, just let me be your best friend again. And I want to promise you I’ll do anything to help El because even though it really hurts, I know she’s who you want to be with.

I want you to be happy, Mike. More than anything else, more than my own selfish, impossible dreams, I want you to have what you want. Because you deserve it. I know you often don’t feel like that, but you do. And I want to do whatever I can to convince you that you do. I just don’t know if you even want me in your life anymore.

So I guess it’s up to you now. I’ll wait and see how things are tomorrow, and then hopefully I’ll know what you want of me.

I love you. I want to write it out just once.

Will

Chapter Text

March 24, 1986

Dear Mike,

My head is spinning. Everything’s just turned into chaos, and I don't know how we got here. I’m not even sure where ‘here’ is! It’s almost dawn, and we’re somewhere on the side of the highway on the way to Utah, is all I know. You and Jonathan and Argyle are asleep in the van, and I’m out here trying to write by flashlight because I don’t want to wake anyone, so my writing is going to be even worse than usual - not that it matters.

I can’t break this habit of writing to you. I should probably face the fact that what I’m really doing is keeping a diary, but for some reason I still need to pretend you’re going to read this. It’s stupid, and dangerous. All my other letters are sitting in my backpack in a folder, and if you saw any of them … I couldn’t leave them behind, though. Maybe it’s me being dramatic, but I have this feeling that I won’t be going back to Lenora Hills when this is all over, so I don’t want them to just be left there. I even took the stupid painting even though I have no idea if I’ll ever have the courage to give it to you.

It’s so weird to think that yesterday morning everything was normal (or as normal as it could be given what happened), and by last night we’d been caught in a gunfight and were on the run. And that agent - he died protecting us. He died, I couldn’t stop him bleeding, and it was all over my hands afterwards. I don’t know why I didn’t freak out more. I kept thinking, oh it’s different when it’s my eyes and not a demodog’s. Like it was some curious scientific thing instead of actually terrifying. As awful as it sounds, though, I think it helped me, because part of me wanted to just go to pieces. It wasn’t like when I was connected to the hivemind and the demodogs attacked the soldiers, that wasn’t me feeling it. This was happening right there in front of me.

We buried him. We dug a grave - you and me - and we dumped him in it and covered him up. All the things we’ve done, facing monsters and running from Russian agents (and American ones!), and this is somehow the hardest to understand. I didn’t see what happened to Bob, and thank god for that, I don’t know how you could go through that and not be … I don’t know … screwed up. Or maybe you are, and I just wasn’t able to see it. Maybe that’s why you’ve been so quiet the last couple of days.

Then again I know you’re worried about El. That last letter she left you didn’t say much. She probably didn’t want to write a lot in case the Lab people read it, but I guess that’s not much comfort to you. I don’t know if anything I said to you in the junkyard helped. I hope so.

I’m selfish, though. I know you said that if you’d been able to talk to her properly, she might have let you go with her, but I’m glad you didn’t. If it had just been me and Jonathan and Argyle, I don’t think I could have held it together. We’d probably all be in some military jail by now - or worse. You’re the one who kept your head, you found the phone number in the agent’s pen.

Getting out of our house is a bit of a blur, but I remember one thing very clearly. I remember you pushing me back against the wall and putting yourself in front of me. You could have been shot , Mike! You could have died! You can’t do that, not for me. You said we’re a team, so you can’t just go throwing yourself into danger to save me. Not after what you said to me just before everything went to crap.

I’m never going to forget what you said. It was everything I needed to hear. I don’t think you know how it felt to hear you did miss me, and you didn’t want us to lose each other again. Because after that day at Rink-o-Mania I thought I had lost you.

You said we were a team, best friends, and I know I want us to be more than that, but I also know I can’t want that, it won’t ever happen. I have to accept it - and I will, it’s just hard.

And I have to stop seeing things that aren’t there. The way you smiled at me when you came into my room, the look in your eyes, and … it was like you were being playful. It was like Javier used to be with Dion sometimes. Then you got so serious, you said it felt like you lost me, and all I wanted to do was go over there to where you were sitting on my bed and hug you and promise that you’ll never lose me. But I couldn’t move, I couldn’t even breathe properly. I know it doesn’t mean anything. I know it’s just my wishful thinking, but just for a moment, I felt - hope.

It’s almost completely light now, and I think I can see someone moving in the van. I’d better finish up and go back so we can get on the road. I hope Suzie can help us. I hope we can get you back to El.

I hope I can lock down these stupid feelings.

Love,

Will

*****

March 23 24 1986

Dear Will,

I’m scribbling this letter in the bathroom at a gas station. It’s disgusting in here. I should probably have just stayed in the van because you and the others are inside getting snacks, but I needed a break from the smell of stale pizza and weed. (Is it possible to get a contact high from old weed smell?) And I swear I can still smell blood from that dead agent.

Jesus, how insane does that look written down. I still can’t wrap my head around everything that happened yesterday. El went off with the people from Hawkins Lab voluntarily , what the hell was she thinking?! We had agents camping out at your house, and then more agents turn up and start shooting, and we’re speeding away in a stupid pizza van and the next thing I knew we were burying a body! And now we’re going to drive all the way to Dustin’s girlfriend’s place and hope that she can tell us where they’ve taken El? How is any of this real?

Demogorgons I can handle. (Well, not really, but you know what I mean.) Secret agents and guns and mad dashes across the country is just – weird. How screwed up are our lives when it’s easier to cope with monsters??

I really hope I’m right about Suzie being able to call that computer and get it to tell us about whoever or whatever Nina is. Shit, I hope she’s okay with us just landing on her doorstep. Should I have called ahead? But then if she said no then what would we do? No, I’m sure she’ll help. She helped us last year – even if we did have to listen to her and Dustin singing at us.

(Jonathan’s face was hilarious when you figured out what I was saying, and started singing that song again. He looked like he’d bitten into a lemon. Must have just been remembering, because you didn’t sound that bad. Actually you didn’t sound bad at all. I’m still not used to your new voice, but I thought it sounded pretty good.)

Is it wrong that – even with everything that happened – I’m kinda enjoying this? Not the guy dying or anything like that. It’s just – nice – to have all this time with you. Obviously I’d rather it didn’t have to be under these circumstances, scrambling to find El and then get back to Hawkins to fight things from the Upside Down again , but even so. As wrong as it probably is, I’m glad I have a chance to talk to you.

Or I would, if I wasn’t having all these thoughts about El crashing around in my head. Why did she just leave like that? Why didn’t she take us with her? Not Argyle, obviously, but the rest of us - we’re her family, right? And that note she left me. What did that mean? Are we broken up again now? Did I piss her off so much that she decided she doesn’t need me anymore? (And why do I feel angry and sad and relieved all at the same time about that idea?)

I can hear you calling. Hopefully I can write more later.

- - -

It’s technically the next day. Everyone’s asleep, so I’ve put my flashlight under a jacket while I write.

I can’t sleep. I keep thinking about how upset El was with me for not saying that thing. When we find her, I have to have an answer for her, but I have no idea what to say. When we talked at the junkyard, I know you said that it’s hard sometimes to talk about important things with the people we care about. I guess that could be it? I don’t know, it just …… it never felt right. And honestly, after a while I didn’t even think about it, I was just ending all my letters the same way.

The thing is, if she has decided she doesn’t need me anymore, what does that mean? I feel like I’ve tried so hard to be who she needs me to be, and if I’m not doing that anymore, who am I? Just some guy? I’m not like Dustin, I’m not smart. I can’t fight like Lucas – I can’t even use a wrist rocket. And I couldn’t connect to the hivemind like you could.

You’ve no idea how many times I wished that I could have swapped places with you. That the Mind Flayer had picked on me instead. Maybe it’s stupid, but I had to watch everything you went through, and I couldn’t do anything to make it go away. I don’t know if I helped at all when you were tied up in your shed and we were all trying so hard to get you back (thinking about that now, after all this time, still makes my heart start racing). It’s probably a bit cowardly, but I would rather go through that myself than have to watch you suffer.

Holy shit, you just turned over in your sleep and I thought I was gonna freak out. It’s not like I could explain what I’m doing here. “Oh hey Will, I’m just writing you fake letters cause I’m too chicken to talk to you and when I get home I’ll put them with all the other letters I couldn’t send you” – I don’t think so. You didn’t wake up, though, so that’s good, at least.

You look like you’re sleeping pretty well, which is a surprise. I was worried you’d start having nightmares now we know we’re going back to deal with the Upside Down again. But you look peaceful. It’s funny, actually - you’ve changed so much, but right now, it’s like I can still see my Will – I mean, the Will I remember – in your face. Like he’s still there after all.

After everything I’ve done, you still want me around. I know I don’t deserve that, but I’ll definitely try to be worthy of it. I promise I won’t lose you again, not to the Upside Down or government goons or anything, especially not my own stupid shit. (God, when we were trying to escape your house and those guns were going off right near us, I was so scared. All I could think was, what if you got shot? Yeah, we got out safely, but it could have been so different. I just kept thinking about that all yesterday, my stupid brain kept giving me all these awful what-if pictures.)

I should stop thinking about this. I need to get some sleep. We’ve got a lot to figure out tomorrow, I’m just so grateful you’ll be right here with me.

Love, Mike

PS Why is it so easy to write that to you, but not to El?

Chapter Text

March 25 1986

Dear Will,

It’s like a million degrees out here, and the stupid van has overheated, and we’re stuck at some roadhouse that looks like it’s about to just fall over in the next strong wind waiting for it to cool down so we can get on the road again. Jonathan and Argyle went in to buy food and snacks for us – I wonder where they get the money for this, maybe your Mom left some for while she was in Alaska? You’ve gone for a walk, I kinda wanted to go with you but El’s asleep in the van so I need to stay here in case she wakes up.

I want to write that we got El back, but we didn’t really. She didn’t need rescuing, she saved herself, we were just the cab that picked her up so she can get back to Hawkins. I guess she did what she said she was gonna do in that note she left me. She’s a superhero again. I’m happy for her, even though I know this means she’ll be fighting again when we get back. And at least I know how this goes. I know how to be there to catch her.

But it makes me wonder about what you said. I know you said she needs me, and she always will, but what does she need me for ?? She doesn’t need me to protect her – she protects me. So what then? To stop her pushing herself too far with her powers? To encourage her? To make out with her? Is that the difference between a boyfriend and a friend — friends don’t kiss each other? I wish I could ask Lucas about this, he’s the one who actually has experience.

When I found out she’d been lying to me I didn’t know what to think about how she felt about me. Then I thought after the fight we had we were about to break up. I thought her note might have been her way of breaking up. But then you gave me that painting she asked you to make for me, and …… I don’t know. It must have taken you ages, so I guess she asked you a while ago. (How long does a proper painting take to do, anyway?) Maybe she was trying to tell me things she couldn’t figure out how to say? From the way you explained the painting, it seems like that. (Did you suggest the D&D theme to her? She never said in her letters that she had started playing, so that’s the only way I can think of she might have got the idea.)

Does any of that still count though? After she was so mad at me, and then chose to go off with Dr Owens (which still seems insane to me, but what do I know)? Does she regret commissioning you to do the painting for her?

(And why didn’t she give me the painting herself? Were you just holding it for her at the airport? Why didn’t she give it to me then? Was she having second thoughts already?)

I know I need to talk to her about everything, but it’s not like we have a lot of time or privacy to do that. We have to get back on the road as soon as possible, and get back to Hawkins, and then we’ll be right in the middle of it again and she’ll need to concentrate on the fight. I can’t distract her with personal stuff.

No privacy means I can’t talk to you about it either. When you were explaining the painting, you made everything seem so clear and simple. And I guess you could really relate to how she feels, (better than I can, anyway), I could hear it in your voice. There was so much emotion, and honestly it made me want to hug you and tell you everything would be all right, because for a moment it felt like you were talking about yourself. And then you said El would always need me, and that kinda snapped me out of it.

She’s so lucky she’s got you, Will. I know I yelled at you for not telling me she was having problems at school, but I think I get it now. You’re her brother, she loves you and trusts you, and you would never betray a trust. And you didn’t want to betray my trust either, so you were in a really shitty situation. But you’re there for her when it counts. You’re there for both of us.

It’s funny she thinks I’m the heart of the party (not funny ha-ha, but ….. you know what I mean). Maybe she sees me like that (which is sweet, but also makes me go whoa a bit) but I’m not the one who holds us together. That’s you. It’s always been you. Without you, there never would have been any party. You were the one who wanted us to make friends with Dustin, and you hassled me to talk to Lucas. You even wanted Max to be one of the party, and you were right. (Yeah yeah, I was wrong about Max, but I’m never gonna admit that out loud.)

Maybe that’s why we did fall apart after you left. Max doesn’t hang out with us, and Lucas is barely around because he’s always doing some stupid basketball thing. And I love playing D&D with Eddie, but it’s not the same. We’re not a party with him, we’re just guys playing a game.

I want to tell you all this, but I’m not sure how to start. I don’t know when there’d be time for it, anyway, I don’t just want to blurt it out in front of everyone. And it might hurt El if she thought I was saying what she felt was wrong. This is a mess. Maybe when it’s all over and we have some time to ourselves, we can be a real party again (and maybe even Eddie, because I really do think you guys would like each other). And I can find out where things really stand with me and El.

Until then, I guess I’ll just have to try to live up to what you two think of me?

Love, Mike

*****

March 25, 1986

Dear Mike,

I should be trying to get some rest - or at least go into the roadhouse where it’s probably cooler. I can’t sit still, though.

It feels like we’ve been driving up a really long hill, and now we’re on the way down and picking up speed, and it feels like everything is going to go out of control any minute. El’s back with us, and we’ll be on our way to Hawkins as soon as the van’s engine cools down. I just hope we can get back in time to help our friends. Maybe I can’t do much to help, but I’ll do what I can. We all will.

I need to focus on that. I need to make it my number one priority, and stop replaying over and over in my head what I said to you about the painting. But what the hell was I thinking??

I didn’t plan any of it. You just looked so upset at the thought El didn’t need you anymore, and I couldn’t stand that you were hurting, so I wanted to reassure you. Because of course she needs you. You were all she talked about for the last week before you actually came to Lenora. And when I was listening to you, I realized I needed to do something.

I meant everything I said. And I believe she does need you, but … she’s never actually told me. What I said was all me. How I feel. How much it hurts me and scares me to be like this, to be not just the weird kid but the weird gay kid.

I’m the one who’s been so lost. I tried and tried to move on with my life, I even made new friends - but you were always there. You are always there, even when you’re not talking to me. I don’t know who I am without you. And that all came pouring out and I barely managed to stop myself from saying ‘I’ instead of ‘El’, I put words in her mouth and the whole time I was talking about myself.

I gave you my painting and made you believe it was from her. And I hate that I did that, I hate that I lied to you the whole time, but I couldn’t stop myself. I just knew you were hurting so much, and I wanted to comfort you, and I knew …

I knew I wasn’t the one you needed to hear it from.

I’m crying again. I can’t do this. Ripping off a band-aid is only supposed to hurt for a little while, but we don’t even have time for that. I need to stop being so self-pitying. Our friends are in danger. El needs our support. That’s so much more important than any of my crap.

I’ll get better at this. I will. But right now - oh God, Mike, it feels like I’ve been stabbed in the chest. And every time I see you smile at her, it breaks open and bleeds again. I’m sorry.

Jonathan’s calling me. I guess the van is ready to drive again. I can hear my Dad’s voice in my head saying stop this shit and pull yourself together, and I hate it, and I hate that he’s right.

Love,

Will