Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Luz: Hello, hello, Boiling ISLES! Whew! I am Luz Noceda, residential human, and savior of the Isles–Humble brag. With me today is the ever lovely, ever wonderful Amity Blight–

Amity: Oh, stop.

Luz: –My best friends in the whole wide word, Willow Park and Gus Porter–

Willow: Hi!

Gus: What’s up!

Luz: –palisman enthusiast and full-time annoyance Hunter Deamonne–

Hunter: *Blows raspberry*

Luz: –and my sister Vee! Who was kind enough to type out an audio transcript for this podcast.

Vee: It’s important to provide something for the deaf or hearing impaired.

Hunter: Won’t it be hard to type out entire conversations?

Vee: Nah, I got pretty good at this kind of thing in Reality Check Camp.

Willow: They taught this type of thing at that place?

Vee: Sort of. They had this computer room and asked you to focus on the conversation from the counselor and type out everything to the best of your ability. It was to help with listening skills and multitasking.

Luz: Yet another reason why I’m glad that I didn’t go there…

Vee: Yeah, it was pretty stressful at first. But I got into the groove of it. Just, um, don’t talk over each other. It’ll make things really hard.

Luz: Right, of course. Oh, also, listeners, welcome to the podcast! You’re probably wondering what the heck this is all about, and it’s really simple. Life became…busy. Really busy. For me and my friends. We’ve all got school and jobs that make hanging out and talking difficult, not having a lot of time to do it together. So, it hit me: How can I assure myself that the people I love still talk to each other? Simple. We find an excuse where we have to talk! And thus, this podcast was born!

Hunter: So we’re all just gonna sit around and talk? The whole time?

Luz: Exactly! It’ll be fun!

Hunter: Right. And you’re seriously going to post this online?

Luz: Look, dozens of people have podcasts nowadays. This one will be just one in a million.

Amity: It’s true. I think even Tinella has a few of her own.

Gus: And they’re some of the top podcasts people listen to.

Luz: Meaning that nothing we say here today will really matter. Buuuuut if you don’t feel comfortable sharing something, you don’t have to. It’s okay.

Hunter: I just don’t know what to talk about.

Luz: Anything. It’s a podcast–It’s really a conversation. Just the six of us hanging out, talking like we normally do.

Hunter: With the entire world listening in.

Luz: Yeah, it’s no big deal. So go on, chat it up. You can say whatever you want. Even talk about your day–In fact, let’s start off with that: Talking about each other’s days. Or week–Ooh! Maybe talk about our favorite thing that happened this week!

Amity: My favorite thing was getting this wonderful face day-in and day-out.

Luz: Aw, Sweet Potato…I’m actually going to have to ask more than that.

Hunter: I guess I can go first. Hm, what to say, what to say…?

Hunter makes a bunch of random mouth noises into the mic.

Vee: Can you also keep the sound-effects to a minimum? That’s kind of annoying to transcribe.

Hunter: Uh, sorry. Um…Oh, uh, I got to help carve a palisman for this kid.

Amity: How’s that different from anything else you do on a daily basis?

Hunter: Well, this one was different because he was…missing an eye.

Amity: …Oh.

Gus: That’s good?

Hunter: N-No! Uh, the good part was this feeling I had helping him out. You see, he needed a seeing eye-palisman. Sort of like the one that helped Principal–Er, Ex-Principal Bump. I guess.

Gus: I’m going to be honest, I still call him, “Principal Bump.”

Luz: Same! At my “Kingceañera,” he told me, “You can just call me Hieronymus or ‘Mr. Bump’ now, Ms. Noceda.” And I was like, I caaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan’t!

Willow: It’d feel weird.

Luz: So weird. Retired or not, he’s Principal Bump, now and forever.

Hunter: Yeah, anyways, I was helping this kid with his palisman. I asked him what he wanted his to be like, and he said he didn’t really care that much. It’s no big deal, I get lots of those kinds of customers. They don’t really know what they want and just expect me to wing it for them.

Gus: Don’t they like…Isn’t palismen making–Don’t they need to know what they want? Like, that’s the whole thing with palismen. They wake up when you know what you want.

Luz: Yeah. Stringbean took forever to hatch from the egg because of how hard it was for me to figure out what I wanted, deep down.

Hunter: Yeah, I try telling them that whenever they ask for a carving but give no instructions past that. The palisman isn’t going to bond with you unless you know for sure what you want.

Luz: So what did you do?

Hunter: Well, I wanted to take it easy on the kid because, you know, he clearly wasn’t doing too good. So, I just…talked to him. Asked him the basic stuff that’s important to get out of the way. Stuff like, “What do you like to do?” “What’s your favorite color?” “Who do you look up to?”

Amity: “How’d you lose the eye?”

Hunter: Well, no, I didn’t ask that. I, more than anyone, know that talking about wounds like that can be…rough. For a lot of reasons. None of them are pretty…

Willow: It’s okay.

Hunter: So I made sure to avoid it. Not bring it up unless he wanted to share. And, well, he did eventually, but what happened to his eye stays between me and him. Not the entirety of Bonesborough and beyond.

Luz: That seems fair. Again, don’t feel obligated to share personal stuff. “Don’t share something you’d want to end up on someone else’s blog,” and whatnot.

Gus: What?

Luz: That’s a saying in the Human Realm…Sort of. I think. I-I can’t remember the exact words, but the point is don’t share stuff you want to spread like wildfire for the wrong reasons.

Hunter: Exactly. It’s why I’m not even going to say what kind of palismen I gave him. Help the kid keep that much more anonymity. But I will say that when I presented it, his face lit up. He was so happy to see the creature I let him hold with his two hands, hugging it as it licked his face as if the two were already close friends. And seeing him smile, probably for the first time in a while…I don’t know, it made me feel all the better inside. Like, I know why I do this.

Luz: Aaaaaaaaaaaaw!

Willow: That’s my man. *Kiss*

Luz: Well, that was a sweet story.

Gus: And one tough to beat. Man, the best thing that happened to me this week was finding a shell on the sidewalk.

Luz: Was it facing up?

Gus: Yeah.

Luz: NICE! That means a whole day of good luck for you!

Gus: That’s what made it the best thing. I mean, nothing all that lucky happened, but it was still pretty cool. I guess.

Luz: Hey, it’s not a competition.

Vee: Though, finding a shell on the ground being where your week peaked is pretty…not great.

Gus: Well, it’s been a busy week–Busy life for poor ol’ Gus. I’m teaching illusion magic at a college level, running the exchange program on campus, practicing flyer derby–

Willow: Oh, speaking of, Luz, there’s a tournament that’ll start next week. So, the three of us might not be on whatever this is for a while.

Luz: Oh…Yeah, that’s fine.

Hunter: We’re doing this more than once?

Willow: I mean, I guess we’ll see where it goes.

Gus: If this does become a regular thing, I’ll just add it to my schedule, I guess.

Luz: If you’re too busy, you can cut back on a few things. Maybe leave one or two responsibilities if it’s too much. Even…doing this.

Gus: Nah, I don’t mind the work. I love it, in fact. I get to show off my skills to an impressed crowd of students, impress others with my knowledge of the human realm, hang out with some great friends as we train together–

Luz: And see your favorite student four to five times in the week.

Gus: Oh, yeah, there’s this one guy, Daedalus, in my Illusion class. He’s smarter than you’d think and really impresses me sometimes.

Awkward pause.

Gus: …You were expecting me to talk about you, weren’t you?

Luz: I very much was, yes.

Gus: …Of course, as cool as Daedalus is, no one could compare to–

Luz: It’s too late. Daedalus is dead to me now.

Gus: Yeah, okay.

Luz: And so are you.

Gus: Aw…That was a joke, right?

Luz: Yeah, of course…partially.

Gus: Okay. But, yeah, life’s good, no matter how much work I have to do. I do it all with a smile on my face and a skip in my step. Kind of like you would, Luz. Even if it ends up with me plopping onto the couch from exhaustion, sometimes.

Amity: Yikes, been there. It’s always the worse when you accidentally sleep on it, too. Wake up sometimes with the worst crick in your neck.

Gus: Eh, it’s not too bad. Had plenty of practice sleeping on the couch during our adventures in the human realm.

Hunter: Yeah, but you were more compact, then.

Gus: You can say short, Man. I know what I am.

Vee: Also, I wouldn’t call what you all did “adventures.” You just chilled out for a few months in Mom’s house while she looked after you.

Gus: We did some fun stuff. Like going to the human beach and “tubing.”

Vee: Yeah, but that’s, like, normal vacation stuff. You all once fought a nightmare monster at a school dance before doing that.

Gus: No…That was Luz and Amity.

Amity: Best and worst night of my life…

Luz: Let’s get back on track here. Remember: Today’s topic is the best thing that happened this week.

Hunter: How about you Captain?

Willow: Best thing to happen to me. Huh, well–No, that’s not really something to share here.

Amity: What’s not?

Willow: Don’t worry about it. Um–Oh! Coming up with strategies with Skara was pretty fun. She is just as passionate about Flyer Derby as I am sometimes, and it’s the best time ever to just sit around and come up with flight plans and patterns together. Couldn’t have asked for a better Number 2.

Luz: I thought Hunter was your Number 2.

Willow: In life, yes. He absolutely is. But for Flyer Derby, I need a second in command who can sort of challenge me. Hunter does nothing but agree about how smart my ideas are.

Hunter: I’m trying to be supportive…

Willow: And I appreciate that, really. It makes you a great boyfriend, but I need that challenge. Someone to hear what I have to say and not only find ways to improve those ideas, but make ones that could be better. And that’s what Skara does every time we sit down and bounce ideas off the wall.

Luz: Anything cool that came up this time?

Willow: Well, if I shared that, then any opposing teams hearing this will have an advantage.

Luz: Ah, right.

Willow: But needless to say, yes. We’ve got sure fire ways to win each round in this tournament. With Skara promising that she has back up plans in place in case something goes wrong.

Luz: Even though nothing’s gonna go wrong because you’re the best team in the Isles.

Willow: No, something is likely to go wrong.

Luz: Oh, well, I’m just saying–

Willow: I know what you’re saying, and it’s just as sweet as Hunter trying his best to be supportive, but trust me: It’s better to expect something bad to happen. Because something bad always happens, no matter how much you don’t want it to or prepare yourself for it to not happen. Life throws curveballs at you a lot, always when you least expect it.

Hunter: That is true. Like, back when I was…that person I don’t want to be anymore. There were times when I thought to myself, “This is going to be a simple mission. Nothing could possibly go wrong.” Then, next thing I know, someone strapped a rocket to my back and caused me to pinball around my airship before flying off into the distance.

Luz: In my defense…you deserved it.

Hunter: I definitely did, but that’s not the point. You can never expect the unexpected.

Willow: Exactly. And it’s weirdly calming to think to myself, “Something can go wrong.” Like, I’ve made peace with the chaos that is life and I can feel better knowing that the worst possible thing will happen. And that’s okay.

Amity: How? How can that be okay?

Willow: Because…that’s life. The worst tends to happen, no matter what we do or what we plan. But sometimes, something really good comes from the unexpected. Like Luz.

Luz: D’aw, you don’t mean that.

Gus: Pretty sure everyone at this table means it.

Willow: None of us could have predicted you or all that you’d do for us.

Luz: Guys…

Vee: Should I put in the transcripts that you’re currently curling up in your chair right now? Getting all…mushy.

Luz: No. Provide audio transcripts only.

Vee: Right.

But she totally did that, by the way.

Willow: But that doesn’t mean me and Skara aren’t at least coming in prepared. You can’t predict everything, but we can at least make a fool-proof plan for our team. Make sure we don’t fail because someone does something stupid.

Hunter: Why are you looking at me when you said that?

Willow: Because I love you, but you tend to mess up at times when getting too competitive.

Amity: Yeah, get a control of yourself.

Willow: Girl, you are not one to talk.

Luz: But, since you’re talking, what’s the best thing that happened to you?

Amity: I already told you, it’s seeing you.

Luz: Amity.

Amity: I mean it. My job takes me to the wildest, most beautiful places in all the Isles. But none of it compares to seeing you when I get back.

Luz curls up in her chair again, blushing like crazy like she’s about to melt.

Luz: Vee, stick to audio descriptions!

Vee: I am, I am.

I’m not.

Hunter: Do you ever get tired of being cheesy?

Amity: I do not. Thank you very much.

Luz: Yeah. Being cheesy is what makes us the best couple in Bonesborough.

Willow: Excuse me?

Luz: Hey, you and Hunter are sweet, but you’ll never beat me and Amity.

Amity: Ever.

Hunter: How do you even judge something like that?

Amity: Because we are oh, so obviously a couple.

Willow: We’re obviously together!

Amity: During Luz’s birthday, Skara asked me if you two were official yet.

Willow: …Why was she asking that?

Amity: I don’t know. But she was.

Willow: Well, obviously we’re official!

Hunter: Yeah, just because we’re not as gross and snuggly as you two are, doesn’t mean we’re not official.

Willow: We just keep the snuggles in private.

Hunter: Where that’s supposed to happen. Believe it or not, people are very uncomfortable with PDA.

Amity: People don’t get that uncomfortable.

Hunter: They are when it’s you two.

Vee: You do get a bit much sometimes. I remember that after you came out to Mom, the couple stuff just never ended. I mean…you danced in the rain.

Luz: We were all dancing in the rain!

Vee: No. Me and Gus jumped around like idiots.

Hunter: And dragged me into the mud as they did it.

Vee: You two were literally slow dancing in the rain. LIke you’re from some weird rom com from the 2000s.

Gus: And that’s just the tip of the iceberg. None of us could even walk in the living room without seeing you both get all mushy on the couch.

Luz: Well, excuse us for being in love.

Hunter: There’s being in love, and then there’s you two.

Willow: Remember that phase when they shared each other’s lunch?

Gus: Yes.

Luz: Couples share lunches!

Hunter: Yeah, by usually splitting a sandwich or a fruit cup.

Willow: Not sharing bites of the same food by feeding each other.

Gus: And remember that one time they kissed during a bite?

There’s a mix of shuddering and gags. Luz and Amity look mad.

Luz: This is not the judging hour!

Hunter: You judged first!

Gus: Look, as your friends who love you, you two need to ease up on the cuteness. It’s getting a little too much to handle.

Amity: So, what? You’d rather we’d fight all the time?

Willow: No, but your favorite thing can not be seeing Luz. That’s obviously it no matter the week. You gotta pick something else.

Amity: What’s better than seeing my Oopsie Doodle…?

Hunter: Titan, and don’t get us started on the nicknames!

Amity: Alright, fine! Jeeze, okay, uh…What good things happened this week–Oh. Saw Boscha.

Luz: That’s good?

Amity: Let me finish. I saw Boscha getting her butt kicked.

Willow: Ooh! Details, details, details!

Amity: It was in the middle of the market. This short, purple-haired chick was complaining about the quality of Boscha's sports equipment, saying it’s not enough to handle her, demanding a refund. Boscha took that as a personal insult and started an impromptu witches duel. And she got demolished by the girl using construction magic, ironically enough.

Gus: Wa-wa-wait. Did this girl have freckles? Reddish eyes?

Amity: Yeah?

Gus: Dude, I know her!

Willow: You do?

Gus: Yeah! She was some girl from Matt’s old school! She was the worst.

Willow: If she kicked Boscha’s butt, she can’t be that bad.

Gus: She robbed graves.

Willow: Woah-kay, that’s bad. Never mind…

Amity: I don’t care how bad she is. I just love that she made Boscha look weak and pathetic to most of the marketplace. She had two grudgby balls burning and ready for battle, and the girl just–*Chuckles*--She just formed a pole of stone out of the walkway and hit Boscha directly in the chin.

Luz: Ouch…

Amity: She’s fine.

Luz: With a stone pole to the chin?

Amity: It didn’t hit her that hard. But it was with enough force to knock Boscha flat on her behind. To which that construction girl created more stone poles around Boscha, trapping her. And after that, she said, “Now give me my refund.”

Willow: Ooh, that must have ticked Boscha right off.

Amity: Oh, it did. She had this throbbing vein over her forehead and the most intense glare I’ve ever seen her have. It was hilarious… I even took a picture of it.

Willow: Show it, show it, show it.

Amity took out her scroll and started showing it around the table. Note that now Luz isn’t complaining about me adding descriptions.

Willow: Ooh, send me that photo! That’s new wallpaper material!

Amity: On it.

Luz: You’d think she’d get less angry over time.

Amity: I blame the game. Grudgby is a sport for only the most intense players.

Luz: Wasn’t Skara on your old team?

Willow: Don’t doubt Skara’s intensity.

Hunter: She punched Steve’s mask so hard that she dented it.

Luz: Oh, dang. Skara’s hardcore.

Amity: Intensely hardcore. With Boscha being the most intense out of all of them because of her anger.

Luz: Well, intensity doesn’t make up for skill. Because, like, I feel like any of us can take her.

Amity: Oh, absolutely. Even Gus could.

Gus: Okay, you didn’t have to say that like I’m the weakest one here.

Hunter: You kind of are, pal.

Gus: I’m going to remember that the next time you need poor, weak Gus in a bind.

Willow: Don’t worry, they’re all just joking.

Willow cracked her knuckles.

Willow: Right?

Hunter: …Right, yeah.

Amity: Of course.

Luz: Always.

Willow: Good. Now, Luz, what’s the best thing that happened to you this week?

Luz: Honestly? Coming up with the idea for this podcast. I’m so glad that all of you agreed to come on.

Willow: Of course.

Amity: Wouldn’t miss it.

Luz: It’s just…I said it in the beginning, but it seems like we see each other less lately. At least, all together in the same room. Talking like this and taking the occasional jab. It’s—I mean, sure. We could just hang out with a few of us. We don’t all always have to be together, but it feels…good.

Amity : Aw, yes it does…

She kissed Luz. Luz melts again.

Luz: Vee.

Vee: The people deserve to know what happens beyond the audio.

Willow: What you said was sweet, though, Luz. And again, sorry that we can’t be here for a bit.

Luz: It’s okay. I have a whole lot of friends or people that I haven’t talked to in a while. Might even have King and Eda on next time…

Hunter: So you are doing this again?

Luz: Might as well. See how far it goes. Again, I don’t expect this to be a big hit and I’m not taking it seriously. I just want there to be a reason to talk to everyone I love.

Willow: For the record, you don’t need a podcast to do that.

Luz: I know, but it…helps. Makes it a sort of hobby I can share with everyone.

Amity: Well, count me in for as many episodes as you need.

Willow: Us too.

Gus: All of us.

Hunter: Yeah, I’ll admit, this has been a little fun.

Luz: Aw, thanks, you guys…You want to wrap it up, then? Maybe go out and do something else?

Willow: Sure—

Vee: Hang on, you didn’t ask me what my favorite thing was.

Luz: Oh, right, Vee! So sorry. What was your favorite thing this week?

Vee: Helping my sister with her hobby.

Luz: Aw…What’s your actual favorite thing?

Vee: Something that’s for me and that I don’t want Mom finding out.

Luz: …Oh, right. Mom’s gonna wanna listen to these.

Vee: Yep.

Luz: That’s something to remember for the future…

Vee: It sure is.

Luz: Well, until then, thank you all for listening. Those of you that did, at least. And a very special thank you to my friends and sister for joining.

Amity: Anytime.

Vee: Should they suggest something?

Luz: What? Who?

Vee: The listeners.

Luz: Oh, what would—Oh! If you have any suggestions of what to talk about or who to bring on, feel free to…ask. Nicely. Cannot stress the word nice enough. Vee, make sure the transcript has it bolded, indented, and underlined.

Vee: Way ahead of you.

Luz: You are good. But, yeah, audience, feel free to suggest stuff like that if you want. And, who knows. We might listen.

Hunter: And by we, you mean you, right?

Luz: I…guess, yeah. Until then, see you later.

All: Byeeeeeee!

Chapter Text

Luz: Hello, hello, Boiling ISLES! I am Luz Noceda, residential human, and welcome back to my little podcast! And tonight, it is Blight Night, as not only am I joined by the wonderful and beautiful Amity Blight–

Amity: Oh, stop.

Luz: –But with us are also her older siblings, Edric and Emira.

Edric: Hey, there.

Emira: How’s it going?

Luz: As well as my sister, Vee, who is still transcribing.

Vee: Can I say something real quick?

Luz: Go ahead.

Vee: Last time, I really went all in with the transcript. Before putting it up, I color-coded each person speaking, making it easier for everyone to know who’s saying what. Like, you see yellow, you know it’s Hunter. You see Green, you’d know it’s Willow.

Luz: *Snort*! So, when we uploaded the episode and you added the transcript–

Vee: I was so mad that it turned out the website wouldn’t allow colored text! So mad! Like, all that effort to go the extra mile, and I wasn’t allowed to go the extra mile!

Luz: Aw, well, I appreciate you going above and beyond for our listeners…Well, readers in this case.

Vee: Thanks…

Edric: So she’s going to type out everything we say?

Vee: Down to the letter. Also, please don’t talk over each other.

Edric: Right, but otherwise it’s everything we say?

Vee: Yeah?

Edric: Peanut beep-bop-boop.

Vee: Stop that.

Edric: Coon-swee-bo-mort-cal.

Vee: If you keep that up, I’m going to just type, “He said something stupid” from now on.

Edric: *Something stupid*

Amity: (To Luz) I told you inviting them to be on here would be a mistake.

Luz: Hey, come on. This is a place for all my friends, not just you and the rest of the Hexsquad.

Emira: Hexsquad?

Vee: It’s what she likes to call us, Hunter, Gus, and Willow.

Luz: I think it’s catching on.

Vee: It’s not.

Amity: Still, I told you that inviting these two is asking for chaos, and Ed immediately proved me right. (To Edric) We just started and you’re already showing the whole world that you’re an idiot.

Emira: To be fair, I think the whole world knows at this point. Remember the **** he’d post to his Pentsagram?

Luz: Please don’t swear, by the way.

Emira: Why not?

Luz: Because Vee reminded me last time that Mom’s going to be listening to this, which ran true because she texted me an hour after the episode went up to say that she loved it. And because of that I am going to do my best to make this whole thing as G-rated as possible. The last thing I need is to make something that upsets her.

Emira: Right, yeah.

Edric: Also, what’s wrong with my Pentsa? I’m hilarious on there.

Emira: Yeah, if you have the humor of a toddler.

Amity: Or a drunk.

Edric: Oh come on. Hey, listen to this:

He summons his scroll and opens his Pentstagram account.

Luz: Remember that you’re on a podcast. Speak as though you’re among the blind or vision impaired.

Edric: Right, well, it’s a picture of my Bat, Batrick. He’s hanging upside down and I added the caption—Heh—I added the caption: *Something stupid*

No one laughs.

Luz: Uh, *Pitty laughs*

Amity: Don’t. Don’t give him that.

Edric: What? It’s funny!

Emira: If you’re a toddler.

Amity: Or drunk.

Emira: Which you must have been, looking at how off center that photo is.

Edric: Nah, that’s just how I take pictures.

Emira: Sure.

Edric: Hey, you two might not think it’s funny, but the twenty-five thousand people who liked it thought it was very funny.

Amity: And half those people are either drunk or toddlers.

Emira: While the other half are likely bots, because there’s no ****ing way that all of those likes are from real people.

Luz: Language, please. I don’t really want to censor stuff if I don’t have to.

Edric: Ooh, then you brought on the wrong guest. Ever since Dad divorced you-know-who, we’ve all learned to cut loose. Especially Em, who got a bit of a sailor mouth since she doesn’t have to “Talk like a  lady” anymore.

Emira: **** you.

Edric: See?

Luz: Em…

Emira: In my defense, I keep it under control during social events or stuff where I have to impress people. But with a group of friends, I don’t know, it just ****ing comes out.

Luz: Em.

Emira: What?

Luz: You dropped an f-bomb.

Emira: What? When?

Luz: You didn’t notice?

Emira: **** no.

Luz: Em!

Amity: She’s messing with you.

Emira: I’m not.

Amity: You totally are.

Emira: I’m telling you, I’m not! It just ****ing slips out, I don’t even notice half the time.

Luz: Well, pretend that this is a social event, then.

Emira: We’re sitting in your dorm room with you and Mittens wearing matching sweatpants while your sister types on a beanbag chair. That’s going to be ****ing hard.

Vee: Really not making things easy for me to censor all this.

Emira: Alright, I’ll try to ease up.

Amity: I still say you’re doing this on purpose.

Emira: Hey, you know what I’m like at home. When the paparazzi are gone and there’s no one to impress, then I have the right to swear when I feel like it and dress like a slob.

Luz: You deal with paparazzi?

Emira: I’m the heiress of the Blight fortune. I’m the oldest–

Edric: By three seconds.

Emira: And Ed doesn’t want it because “Teaching is his passion.” Still makes no ****ing sense how you became a teacher, by the way.

Edric: Maybe I’m not as dumb as you thought.

Emira: No.

Amity: No, you definitely are.

Edric: Hm.

Emira: And Amity is off…doing whatever the hell she’s doing.

Vee: Should I censor “Hell?”

Luz: Let’s say we censor anything that can’t be said in The Wonderfully Online Carnival.

Vee: Right. Good show, by the way.

Luz: Very good show.

Emira: Anyway, since these two don’t seem to want the money and are doing their own thing, with me next in line, I’m basically royalty to gossip blogs and celeb magazines.

Amity: Oh, yeah right!

Emira: I am! I basically dodge losers and freaks trying to get my photo or an interview almost every **** day.

Vee: Is **** okay? Rul3r did say it in Episode Three but it was censored in Episode Five.

Luz: I think the word damned is fine, since they were in Hell that episode and it’s, you know, relevant. But the actual word **** is bad without context like that.

Vee: Alright.

Emira: What the hell are you two talking about?

Vee: A great show.

Luz: A really great show. And I don’t want it to end! We’re three episodes away from the big finale, and I am not prepared for it!

Vee: Me neither…

Emira: Right, well, the point that I’m trying to make is that, yes, these people are relentless in wanting to know every facet of my life. I opened the blinds to the windows in my bedroom and some creeps with cameras were snapping pictures of me when I was wearing my bathrobe. Only my bathrobe. It was closed, thank Titan, but that didn’t stop them from asking if I intentionally don’t shave my legs every day just because I haven’t gotten to it yet!

Luz: Wow. That sounds…horrible.

Emira: It is horrible! Being famous sucks, don’t do it.

Luz: I mean…I am famous. Hello, Hero of the Isles here.

Emira: Yeah, but you’re, like, respectfully famous. People actually care about you because of all that you’ve done for them. I’m regular famous. No one gives two ****s about me, so they poke and prod because my private life isn’t worth a ****.

Luz: Yikes. I’m sorry to hear–

Emira: Also, I’m prettier.

Luz: What?

Emira: Like, no offense to you. You look nice. But I’m objectively prettier.

Amity: Says who?

Emira: Everyone? The Bonesborough Blabber ran a poll of the hottest celebs in town. Guess who’s number one.

Edric: Celeste Monique.

Emira: ****, you actually read something for once. Okay, well, I’m at least number three.

Amity: I wouldn’t call something like that a credible source of information. It’s run by some gross troll under a bridge.

Luz: Oh, come on, that’s a little harsh to describe a guy–Wait, are we talking about a literal troll under an actual bridge?

Amity: No, but it is some sweaty guy waddling around town with a microphone going, “TELL me YOUR secrets!”

Luz: Okay, that’s bad. Still rude to talk about him like that, but bad.

Amity: Yeah. (To Emira) Whatever poll he ran…must have been nonexistent as it was most certainly his gross opinions about women.

Emira: Well, my point still stands that people find me very pretty. And much prettier than Luz. No offense.

Luz: None taken.

Amity: And that’s good? To be objectified like that?

Emira: It’s not! That’s my point! When you’re famous, people hound you. When you’re pretty, they also hound you! But when you’re both, it’s just a non-stop experience of people wanting to ask you dozens of questions! And the most annoying one? “Will you go out with me?”

Luz: Why is that annoying?

Emira: Because there’s no genuine interest in me as a ****ing person! It’s either people who want fame by association or gross pervs who want to brag to their friends that they’ve got the “hot one” for a girlfriend! That’s the biggest pain with fame and beauty! You’re not a ****ing person to most people! You’re just an object for them to treat as something to win!

Luz: …Do…you need a hug?

Emira: I…would actually love a hug right now, yes…

Luz: Okay, hugging you now.

Luz gets up and hugs Emira.

Luz: So sorry about everything you deal with.

Emira: You’ve got nothing to be sorry for…But thanks. I appreciate it.

Luz pats Emira’s back and goes back to her seat.

Luz: If it helps, I also get a lot of people asking me stuff too. Maybe not to the same extent as you, but it happens. I’m usually out taking a walk through town, minding my own business, when suddenly someone comes up asking me a lot of questions. “What were you like as a kid?” “How well did you handle the pressure when fighting Belos?” “Are you going to marry into the Blight Family fortune?”

Amity: They ask you that last one?

Luz: They do.

Amity: …What do you tell them?

Luz: I don’t tell them anything. Eda tells me that losers like that want nothing more than to poke their noses where they don’t belong. She says the best course of action is to punch one in the face to assert dominance and make it clear you’ll never answer anything unless it’s on your terms.

Emira: Does that work?

Luz: No idea. Don’t really want to punch someone unless they really deserve it or punches first. So instead I slap an invisibility glyph on me and run down a block or two until I lose them.

Amity: I thought King’s glyphs don’t work that well.

Luz: They do, they’re just not as strong as the ones I used to have. And while the invisibility glyph doesn’t make me completely disappear, it still makes me mostly transparent. You’d have to really focus to see me.

Emira: Can I borrow a few of those? Every time I try to disappear with an illusion, one of those freaks just casts a counter spell to bring me back.

Luz: I’ll draw up a few, don’t worry.

Emira: Thanks…

Edric: You know what I think you really need?

Emira: I never want to know what you’re thinking.

Edric: What you need is a vacation. A chance to get away from it all and take a break from literally everything.

Luz: That’s actually not a bad idea. Everyone needs time off every now and again.

Emira: I can’t just up and leave. I have a job.

Vee: Didn’t you say you’re rich?

Emira: It’s not about the money, it’s about the responsibility. We’ve really perfected the way to remove coven brands from people. We could only do five a day because the thing dad built takes a lot of energy and magic from Healers. We’re wiped out by the end of the day, only now getting through twenty different people because of a built up resilience and little tweaks dad gave the machine. It’s important work and I can’t–

Amity: Dad will be okay if you need to take some time off. You’re not the only healer around and he could ask someone else to take your place for a few days.

Edric: Better make that a few weeks. She’s starting to get crows feet.

Emira: I’m not getting–Wait, am I getting crows feet?

Luz: Uuuuuuuuuuuh–

Emira: Oh, Titan…

Edric: But that should help in its own way. Makes you less “pretty” to people.

Emira punches him.

Edric: OW!

Amity: The point is that Dad will be okay if you need a break. Might even encourage it, too.

Emira: Yeah, but that just…leaves him alone.

Amity: He’s a grown man, he can take care of himself.

Emira: Can he? Look at how he handled his life for the last sixteen years.

Amity: He’s gotten better. Having an actual sleep schedule helped a lot.

Emira: It helps all but his obliviousness. Four years of being a single man, and he still can’t notice how badly Darius wants his ****.

Amity: EM!

Emira: What? We all know it.

Amity: Yeah, but we don’t need to talk about Dad’s… thing!

Emira: Fine, but Darius still wants it.

Amity: Ugh…

Luz: We are really struggling to make this G-rated…

Vee: I’m doing the best I can, Luz.

Luz: I don’t think censoring is going to stop the implications, Vee. You can’t censor implications.

Edric: I don’t understand why you’re worried about Darius liking Dad.

Emira: I’m not against it, but the guy’s going nowhere because Dad can’t see the signs. So someone has to steer him in the right direction.

Amity: And that’s your responsibility?

Emira: It might as well be someone’s.

Amity: Does it? Dad seems Happy as is: Single and having no one to mingle with.

Emira: Yeah, but…he deserves someone good. A relationship where he’ll be treated with some respect.

Amity: If that’s what he wants, he should be able to figure it out for himself. You shouldn’t be the one who guides him along the way.

Emira: But–

Edric: Sis, you may be a healer, but you’re not the family doctor or…therapist or whatever you think you are. You’re our sister.

Amity: For once, Ed’s right about something. We appreciate all the times you were there for all of us, giving me advice, making sure Edric didn’t hurt himself, and even trying to help make Dad happier. It’s sweet, but you don’t have to do it anymore. We’re all in a better place right now.

Edric: Yeah. I’m a teacher with a stable job and a rich sister to fall back on if I need you.

Emira gives him a flat look.

Edric: But I didn’t need you yet, and I likely won’t in the future.

Amity: And I’m in love with the most wonderful person in existence while seeing more of the world for my job. And while Dad could be happier, he’s already happy as is.

Edric: You not only need a break from paparazzi, you need a break from…I guess us, really.

Emira: I…I don’t want…a break…from you all…Exactly…

Amity: We know. But you need one.

Edric: And we’re the first to tell you that you can have one.

Amity: We’ll be okay…

Emira: …Where would I even go, though? Most of those ****ers know where all of our best vacation homes are.

Amity: Well, during my travels, I found a small island. There’s nothing really on it, there’s more than enough space for you to do whatever you want, and just…relax. Bring a tent, a book, and some food, and it should be a good enough time for you. I could drop you off during my next expedition and pick you up on the way back.

Emira: …When do you take off?

Amity: Three days and it should take me a little over a week. Maybe two. Oh, uh, (To Luz) I won’t be here next time. Sorry.

Luz: You will be missed, but it’s fine. Your job comes first. And so does your sister’s mental health. (To Emira) Trust me, you don’t have to solve everyone’s problems all the time. It’s perfectly fine to take time off for you.

Emira: I…*SIgh* Yeah, sure, maybe. I don’t know. I’ll…sleep on it, at least. I’ve got three days, don’t I?

Edric: Two days if you sleep on it.

Amity: But, yeah, you’ve got time to sleep on it.

Emira: I’d just feel bad to leave Dad on short notice.

Amity: He’d understand. He’d get it now better than he would a few years ago.

Emira: Yeah. He’s…actually not that bad at being supportive without…you know who talking into his ear.

Luz: …Have any of you ever…talked to “You-know-who” since the divorce?

Amity: Nope.

Emira: Never.

Edric: Last week.

Amity: What?

Emira: What did she say to you?

Luz: You don’t have to share if it’s too personal. I’m sorry for bringing it up–

Edric: Nah, I don’t mind. Honestly, let’s make a fun game of it. What did you think is the reason she tried to talk to me?

Amity: Money.

Emira: Trying to pit you against us.

Luz: I’m guessing a half-baked apology?

Vee: I know nothing about this woman, so I’m staying out of this.

Edric: Well, turns out you’re all right. Well, those who guessed, by the way.

Luz: Really?

Edric: Yup. She showed up, and her exact words were, “I’m sorry that my mothering wasn’t good enough for you.”

Amity: Woooow.

Edric: Then she said, “You were always the best child I’ve ever had. I respected you way more than your sisters ever did.”

Emira: Unbelievable.

Luz: Top notch impression, by the way.

Edric: Thank you. And when she was all done with talking about how sorry she was and how good I am, she then asked if I could invest in this new product she was working on. She just needed one thousand snails to get it running.

Emira: What was the product?

Edric: No idea. I told her “Emira handles the financials” the second she said the word “invest,” and then slammed the door in her face.

Emira: Why’d you pin her on me?!

Edric: To get her off my back!

Luz: Did she ever show up?

Emira: No, thank Titan. (To Amity) But now I’m really going to need that tropical island. A few days away from O–You-Know-Who is more than a great break for me.

Amity: I didn’t say it was tropical.

Emira: Any place where she’s not there is tropical.

Amity: Fair. Also, Ed, you said you slammed the door in her face. Did she show up to your house?

Edric: Worse. To my class.

Emira: No.

Edric: Yeah, it wasn’t really the best timing.

Amity: Isn’t there, like, security?

Edric: You mean Vee’s sisters? Or…Mothers–(To Me) Would you call them sisters or mothers?

Vee: I’d consider them long lost cousins.

Edric: Well, whatever they are, they came just around the time I slammed the door in her face. She was cussing and screaming at me for being ungrateful, then switched her cussing and screaming to the basilisks as they dragged her out. Not her finest hour.

Amity: No hour is her finest hour.

Emira: What a *****. Can I say that, by the way? *****? Is that fine in your Wonderfully Weird…whatever you call it.

Luz: The Wonderfully Online Carnival, and no. But you’re not wrong, that is the word I’d use to describe anyone like Odal–

Amity: Don’t say her name…

Luz: I mean…you gotta say it eventually.

Emira: Not when we’re trying our best to forget her…

Luz: Right…Well, if there’s an upside, you all seem pretty happy now without her.

Emira: Didn’t we start this whole thing with how miserable I am?

Luz: Yeah, but…look at you. You’re more relaxed and chill and not…performative. You can be real, at least with us.

Emira: Well…I like you all, what can I say.

Edric: Aw, you wuv us?

Emira: I said I like you. Love is a strong word for a guy like you.

Edric: But it’s strongly implied.

Emira: No it isn’t.

Luz: But you’re smiling.

Emira: No I’m noooooot.

Luz: Don’t lie to the fans, Em.

Emira: If I did, what would it matter? They can’t see me, anyway.

Luz: Yeah, but Vee can verify through the transcripts. Isn’t that right, Vee?

Vee: Yup.

And she is in fact smiling.

Emira: Did you just type that I was smiling?

Vee: Nope.

Yes.

Emira: Rude.

Luz: This is good, though. You know, I wasn’t sure what I was expecting about letting you two come on, but I’m glad that we got to sit down and have an honest conversation together.

Amity: Yeah, that’s…strangely mature of you two.

Emira: Well, we’re not all fun and games all the time.

Edric: But if you want fun and games, here’s another joke for you, ripped right from my Pentstagram: *Something stupid*

Emira: *Snort*!

Amity: That was funny to you?

Emira: Nah, I’m laughing at what Luz’s sister did. Instead of putting in his lame *** joke, she just said “Something stupid.”

Edric: What?

Emira: Also, I can’t even say the word ***?

Vee: I’m not taking any chances.

Edric: Why’d you censor me, though? That was a good joke!

Vee: I started typing it, but then I knew where you were going and I just–I couldn’t do it. My body wouldn’t let me.

Edric: Dude.

Vee: Not a dude.

Amity: Serves you right, though. That joke was bad. Even by your standards, which aren’t really that high to begin with.

Edric: Hm. Well, maybe I could entertain the crowd with a story or two. That’s allowed, right? Telling stories?

Luz: Absolutely.

Edric: Good. Here’s a story about Amity’s childhood.

Amity: …You wouldn’t dare.

Edric: When Mittens was five, she–

Amity: AND WE’RE DONE! I’M UNPLUGGING YOUR MIC!

Chaos ensues as Amity runs over and tries to unplug Edric’s microphone, screaming on the top of her lungs as he tells a story about her needing to pee during a family trip.

Luz: Okay, I guess we’re done here–Vee, gonna boost my voice afterwards so focus on me. Anyways, thanks for listening. Emira, thanks for coming on–She’s not listening. She’s too busy grinning at Amity smacking her brother in the head. Grinning darkly too. Like a supervillain…It’s creepy. *Shudders* But, uh, thank you all for joining us. Keep suggesting if you can. We do read those, even if we don’t respond. DigieyKid, I know you suggested the twins joining, but I don’t think this is entirely what you wanted–

Amity: EDRIC BLIGHT, YOU–!

Luz: Okay, yeah, we’re done! Byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Chapter Text

Luz:  Hello, hello, Boiling ISLES! I am Luz Noceda, residential human, and welcome back to my little podcast! After last time, WaterDragonMaverick suggested bringing on the Emerald Entrails, which would have been hard considering this tournament they were doing, but, uh…things happened. So, surprise! The Emerald Entrails are on! And with them is their captain, Willow!

Willow lets out a whine like the air’s been let out of her.

Luz: And, uh, our bestest best friend Gus!

Gus: Hey-hey! What’s up…

Luz: Willow’s boyfriend Hunter, who loves her so much!

Hunter: And always will.

Luz: Her second in command, Skara, who always has Willow’s back.

Skara: Always will. Also, happy to be here. Thanks for letting me join.

Luz: And Viney, who will defend Willow until the day that she dies.

Viney: I will kill for you…Please let me kill for you.

Willow still whines.

Luz: And my, uh, sister Vee. Who, as always, is transcribing this entire thing as we talk. And is currently sharing a mic with Viney because we only have six mics and there’s, uh, not much we can do about that.

Vee: I won’t be talking much, anyway. It helps me focus on this better.

Viney: Wow, you are really good at this.

Vee: And you have tuna breath…Why do you have tuna breath?

Viney: I had a double-decker tuna sandwich.

Vee: Why…?

Viney: Because I like it–You know, for someone who said she’s not going to talk much, you sure didn’t waste time complaining about my breath.

Vee: Because I wasn’t prepared for how strong the scent is! Can someone switch with me?

Hunter: No…

Gus: I think we’re good.

Vee: Cowards.

Hunter: Just tough it out. You know, that’s what you gotta do sometimes when you’re faced with bad luck. Just…tough it out and accept where you’re at. Right, Captain?

Willow whines again.

Luz: Okay, um, for those who aren’t sports fans and aren’t in the loop, the Emerald Entrails…lost that big flyer derby tournament. And this is like a, uh, two month long event. Really getting people hyped up. Only for the Entrails–

Willow: To not even make it into the finals! We lost after week three!

Luz: Yeah, that. And the reason they lost is nobody’s fault–

Willow: It’s all my fault!

Hunter: Captain, no.

Gus: It’s not–

Willow: I fell off my staff! I always have such a good grip on it, but this time I slipped off and broke my leg–MY NOW USELESS LEG!

Viney: Hey, think of it this way: You got lucky. If you were just a few feet higher, you would have broken more than just your leg. Plus, you’ll still be able to walk and use it once the healing glyphs do their thing.

Willow: But I can’t fly! They won’t allow it! So I’m stuck in this stupid cast for weeks while all those other teams go on and prove how they’re better than us!

Vee: Didn’t you say last time how you’re okay with the idea of bad stuff happening? Because that’s just how life works?

Willow: Yeah, but…

Luz: It’s different when it’s you who’s at fault?

Willow sighs, and nods.

Gus: You’re not at fault, you know. It was an accident.

Hunter: It could have happened to any of us.

Willow: But it happened to me. A-And I feel so bad because we’ve all worked so hard to get this! All that training, all that planning–And for what? For me to break my leg and get us automatically booted from the game?! It’s not fair!

Hunter: Would it be fair if it happened to any of us?

Willow: Well, no, but–

Hunter: Would you be as upset like this if any of us broke our legs instead?

Willow: I…I’d be upset, still…

Gus: But you wouldn’t be angry. You wouldn’t be blaming us for every little thing that was out of our control.

Hunter: Instead, you’d be doing…Well, what we’re doing.

Luz: Exactly. You’d be doing everything to tell any of them that it wasn’t their fault. That they tried their best and, at the end of the day, that’s all that matters.

Hunter: You’re not at fault for this, Captain. And none of us blame you.

Skara: And think of it this way: Now that we know that something like this could happen, we can prepare a plan on what to do if you–Or any of us–slip off our staffs again. Ooh, maybe we could do a catching chart!

Viney: Catching chart?

Skara: Yeah, like, each of us is responsible for catching someone else in case they fall.

Viney: Why not just let the person closest to the faller catch them?

Skara: Do you think Gus could catch you?

Viney: Fair point.

Gus: Was that a diss?

Skara: It’s not a diss, it’s a fact. Out of all of us, you’re not exactly the strongest.

Gus: I’ve been working out! Tell ‘em, Hunter.

Hunter: Gus, I love you bro, but look at you, and look at me. Who do you say is stronger in terms of muscle mass?

Gus: …Me.

Hunter: In what reality?

Luz: Nah, I can see it.

Hunter: You, hush.

Skara: Honestly, that lack of mass is a good thing. Makes you faster, harder for an opponent to catch. But if you had to catch one of us falling–

Viney: You’d likely fall with them.

Skara: Yeah.

Viney: Especially with that weird way you fly. Like, how haven’t you fallen off yet?

Gus: Skills.

Viney: Okay, but what stops you from slipping, falling onto your staff, and hitting that stop button of yours.

Vee: Stop button?

Viney: That’s what I call what’s between the legs.

Vee: Why?

Viney: Because that’s what it is. You kick that point and it shuts the whole body down. Works better on men, from my experience.

Gus: I mean…she’s not wrong.

Viney: I’m a doctor. I never am.

Vee: You’re a healer. There’s a difference.

Skara: And don’t you specialize in healing animals?

Viney: I can still heal others. I did a good job on Willow’s leg before the professionals arrived, didn’t I?

Willow: You did great…

Gus: And for the record, I don’t land on my “stop button.”

Viney: Really?

Gus: Yes.

Viney: Never?

Gus: …Yeah, okay, there was a few times–

Viney: Knew it.

Gus: But I’ve gotten better at that kind of thing! The only reason I slipped was because I didn’t have the right shoes. They didn’t help me keep proper balance. Now, I do have the right shoes, and I haven’t slipped once ever since.

Viney: Doesn’t matter. If you could slip off once, you could slip again.

Skara: And that’s fine, because if you do, I will catch you.

Gus: You will?

Skara: Yeah, that’s how this falling chart will work. The stronger person will catch the…least strong one.

Gus: You were going to say “weaker,” weren’t you?

Skara: Yes. And the way it’ll work out is that I’ll catch you, Hunter will catch me, Viney will catch Hunter, and Willow will–

Hunter: Woah, woah, woah. You think I’m weaker than Viney?

Skara: Yes.

Hunter: No. Come on.

Viney: Dude, look at me. Look at these muscles.

She flexes.

Viney: Now look at your twigs.

Hunter: These are not twigs, okay? They are years of hard work and dedication?

Viney: Wanna prove it?

Hunter: I can easily prove it.

Viney: Arm wrestle me, then.

Hunter: 

They both get up and head for Luz’s desk.

Luz: Okay, for our audio listeners, Hunter and Viney are currently setting up an impromptu arm wrestling match on my dorm room desk…

Viney, in the background: Three, two, one, go.

Luz: They are now going at it. Hunter looks as though he’s fighting for his life trying to budge Viney’s arm. Viney isn’t even breaking a sweat, looking stone-faced. Hunter is now looking like he realized his mistake.

Hunter, in the background: Shut up! That’s not what’s happening!

Gus: It is what’s happening, bro. You look like you’re in pain.

Hunter, in the background: I AM NOT!

Vee: Winner gets their own mic, by the way.

Luz: Looking for an out to stop sharing with Viney, huh?

Vee: Absolutely.

Hunter, in the background: Well, you’re still going to suffer, because I am not losing!

Viney, in the background: Yeah. You are.

Luz: And now Viney is turning the tide.

Hunter, in the background: No.

Luz: She is pushing his arm further.

Hunter, in the background: No.

Luz: He’s losing, he’s losing, aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand–He lost.

Hunter, in the background: NO!

Viney, in the background: YEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! EAT IT!

Luz: Hunter, swap with Viney, because you just lost your right to a mic!

Hunter, in the background: Aw, come on! That wasn’t a serious bet!

Vee: It sure was, buddy. Suffer.

Viney cackles as she takes his mic and Hunter groans as he sits next to me. And also gags.

Hunter: Oh, my Titan, that is strong!

Vee: Told you.

Hunter: Like, you’ve infected it with the scent of your lunch! What the hell?!

Viney: I like tuna, sue me.

Hunter: I just might!

Luz: Hey, things could be worse.

Hunter: How? How could they be worse?

Luz:  Amity could have been here.

Hunter: …Oh, Titan.

Luz: Yeah.

Hunter: She would not let me live that down.

Luz: No, she would not.

Gus: She still won’t. She’s going to listen to this episode, call you, and laugh and laugh and laugh…

Luz: In other words, take this peace now while you still get it.

Hunter: Great…

Skara: And there’s an even brighter side: From now on, whenever you fall, you can always trust that Viney will be there to make sure you don’t get hurt.

Hunter: Whatever…Wait, who catches Willow?

Skara: What?

Hunter: If you catch Gus, I catch you, Viney catches me, and Willow catches Viney…who catches Willow? Gus?

Skara: Uh, no. She’ll yank him off the staff or cause him to hit his stop button.

Vee: So that’s what we’re still calling it?

Luz: Seems like it.

Hunter: Okay, but if Gus won’t catch Willow, then who will?

Skara: Um, well…Shoot. Hang on, I can figure this out. Does anyone have a pen and paper?

Luz: Yeah, on my desk.

Skara: Great. Give me a minute.

She gets up and runs to Luz’s desk now.

Hunter: I’m taking her mic while she’s busy. I-I can’t deal with this.

Vee: You think I can?

Viney: Oh, it’s not that bad.

Vee and Hunter: It is that bad!

Viney: Oh, waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.

Hunter gives a rude gesture as he takes Skara’s mic.

Luz: Don’t get too comfortable, Hunter. Skara might take her spot again any second now.

Hunter: No, she won’t.

Gus: Not when she’s in the zone.

Viney: Yeah, when she gets like that, the whole world just disappears. And she doesn't come back until she’s figured out whatever she set her mind to.

Gus: It sometimes takes her three hours just to think of a strategy for our next game.

Hunter: It takes her three hours to figure out where to go to lunch afterwards.

Gus: It’s nuts sometimes, but it often gives us the best results. Right, Willow?

Willow: Huh? Oh, yeah…Whatever you say.

Luz: You’ve been silent for a while there…

Willow: Yeah, sorry. I’ve just been…thinking.

Luz: About how you fell?

Willow: I just don’t know how it happened–Why it happened! I always have a tight grip and Clover wasn’t slippery with, like…sweat or anything. She was fine and I should have been fine…but I wasn’t!

Luz: Sometimes mistakes happen no matter how hard you try to avoid them.

Vee: Again, that’s exactly what you said last time you were on here.

Willow: I know that, but…it’s like Luz said. It feels different because it’s me. I feel like I let you all down.

Gus: You could never let us down.

Hunter: And breaking your leg could never change that. You got hurt. Any of us could have fallen too, but that doesn’t mean we would have let the team down because of it. Right?

Willow: Of course not. But…this is my thing. Something I’m good at other than plant magic. You’ve got Palisman carving, Gus has his human stuff, Luz has her writing, and my thing is…sports and exercise. I’m supposed to be good at, to show I’m more than just a simple plant witch. And if I make mistakes–

Luz: Mistakes happen. Doesn’t mean you’re bad at what you do. I sometimes forget an important line or circle for a glyph I draw or forget to have a character say an important sentence when writing dialogue.

Hunter: I sometimes chip a palisman the wrong way or cut myself when carving.

Gus: I occasionally get stuff wrong about the human realm. If you could believe it.

Luz: Yeah, who’d think…(To Willow) But mistakes are common. They make us…alive and normal. No matter how good you are at this one thing or how long you do it.

Viney: Yeah! Tons of people do stuff like that. Like how Luz’s mom booked a dentist appointment the same day as her wedding.

Luz: Exact–Wait, what?

Viney: She’s usually great at scheduling stuff like that, but she made a very big misstep. One that caused her to be numb and in pain for most of the best day of her life.

Luz: How do you know that?

Viney: She told me as I was petting dogs in the place she worked in.

Luz: Why were you at Mom’s vet clinic?

Viney: To pet the dogs.

Luz: I–Okay, we’re going to come back to this. For now, Willow, you need to let go of this screw up. There’s always going to be another tournament and another chance to kick butt.

Gus: One loss will never change that. We’ll still work hard for next time.

Hunter: Especially with that workout plan you sent us all.

Willow: Those are mostly suggestions. You don’t have to do them.

Hunter: But we do.

Gus: And we’re the best of the best because of it. You even made them personalized for each of us and what our limits are.

Willow: Actually, that was Skara’s idea. Mostly because she told me that if I made her do more than fifty crunches, she would quit the team.

Gus: Wait, I got twenty crunches.

Willow: Yeah, that’s your limit.

Luz: And yours is fifty?

Willow: No, that’s Skara’s. She said she will do fifty, but no more. I keep telling her she can push past her limit, to get stronger and buffer, but she said no. That’ll ruin her “Hot girl swagger.” Whatever the hell that means.

Luz: What’s your limit, then

Willow: A hundred and seventy.

Luz: A HUNDRED AND–WOAH!

Hunter: Yeah, she doesn’t slack when it comes to her routine.

Gus: Unbelievable. So I’ve been given the lowest limit this entire time?

Vee: Would you want to do more than twenty crunches?

Gus: No, but maybe I wouldn’t be considered the weakest on the team (To Skara) If someone gave me a better limit to work with!

Willow: Again, you can just work past that limit each time.

Hunter: Also, she can’t hear you, Buddy. You know that.

Gus: Maybe she would if I threw my shoe at her.

Viney: Don’t throw a shoe at her. Then I’d get involved.

Hunter: Why would you get involved?

Viney: Because she’s my best friend and I’ll have to stop her from throwing down. She’ll get hurt otherwise.

Luz: You’re best friends?

Viney: Yeah.

Luz: Since when?

Viney: Since…forever. I mean, Hunter, Gus, and Willow are sort of this super close trio, so Skara and I just sort of…got grouped together by default. I mean, who else am I gonna hang out with? That traitor Jerbo?

Luz: You are still on that? He apologized for that forever ago.

Viney: Yeah, I know. I just like giving him a hard time. Besides, Skara’s cool. She’s like…a baby griffin. Adorable and looking like every day is the best day in her life, but she will bite off your finger if you underestimate her.

Luz: Huh…That’s interesting.

She said with her shipping voice.

Luz: Vee, what did you just write down?

Vee: Don’t worry about it.

Luz: Vee.

Hunter: So you hung out together because you felt like you had to?

Viney: That and I wanted to. Like I said, she’s cool.

Luz: Can’t believe I didn’t know that…

Viney: You would if you reached out more. Your mother always says you could improve on talking to the people you love.

Luz: Okay, what relationship do you have with my mother?!

Viney: The kind where she lets me come into her vet clinic and pet her dogs.

Luz: How did that happen, though?!

Viney: You mentioned one day that your mom helps heal pets and animals. I heard that, wanted to see it for myself, and so I tip-toed on over to the Human Realm to do so.

Luz: You went to the Human Realm?

Viney: Yeah.

Luz: By yourself?

Viney: No…Skara was there. Weren’t you Skara?

Skara doesn’t respond.

Viney: Skara.

Hunter: She’s not going to–

Viney: “You’re my honey pie!”

Skara, in the background: “Sugar, baby–” Wait, what?

Viney: We went to the Human Realm, right?

Skara, in the background: Oh, yeah, we–

Luz: If you’re going to talk, please talk into the mic. 

Skara, in the background: Right, sorry.

She walks away from the desk and goes over to Hunter.

Skara: What are you doing in my spot?

Hunter: You left, I took over.

Skara: It’s my spot, though.

Hunter: Well, I didn’t expect you to come back. Especially with…whatever Viney did!

Viney: It’s from a song she likes. I’ve learned that music lyrics are the only thing to break her out of that spell. (To Skara) And you could sit with me.

Skara: Fine…

She goes over and sits on Viney’s lap. Viney appears unbothered by this.

Hunter: I never heard a song like that.

Luz: That’s because it’s a human song–(To Skara) How do you know human music?

Skara: I got a whole box of it at home.

Luz: What?

Skara: Me and Viney were walking around the Human Realm, heading for this “Vet” thing, when we walked to this sort of yard sale? It was mostly just this woman giving away stuff she said belonged to her husband. There’s a whole story there, I’m sure, but the important part was that she was giving away this box of music and the different things used to play each one. There were records, tapes, CDs, and all of them had some great music on them. I listened to everything within a week, and, I’m telling you, there’s some great human music out there.

Luz: You did not go to Mom’s vet with all that stuff.

Skara: We definitely didn’t. We just went back because there was just so much to carry.

Luz: Okay…

Skara: But we still found it next weekend.

Luz: You went to the human realm twice?

Skara: Yeah. We go every weekend.

Luz: You what? (To Gus, Willow, and Hunter) Did you three know about this?

Hunter: We didn’t even know that’s what they did!

Gus: How did you two know how to get around?

Viney: Well, maybe the human realm isn’t as hard to get around in as you think.

Skara: That and Viney stole your human realm notebook.

Viney: Yup.

Gus: That was you?! I thought it was Matt! I didn’t talk to him for a week because of it!

Viney: My bad.

Luz: I can’t believe the two of you just…chill in the Human Realm and no one here knew about it.

Viney: That’s not true. Your sister knew.

Luz: What?!

Vee: I intern at Mom’s place. How wouldn’t I know?

Luz: And you never said anything?!

Vee: Why would I? They weren’t really doing anything wrong. Just volunteering and petting animals. No harm done.

Luz: Yeah, but they’re…in the Human Realm! Unsupervised!

Viney: What are we, five? We can handle ourselves just fine.

Skara: You handled yourself in Bonesborough, didn’t you?

Luz: Barely on most days!

Viney: Well, you’re still alive. And so are we! Skara and I learn a ton, and the human realm is a walk in the park.

Skara: Except for the lack of money.

Viney: Yeah, having no human money is a pain sometimes. I’m broke enough, thank you.

Luz: Wow…Well, still, be careful. There are some creeps there at times. Especially that Jacob guy.

Viney: Don’t worry. Any freak comes near us and asks too much, I’ll break their…arms.

Willow: You were going to say “legs,” weren’t you?

Viney: Maybe.

Willow: Hm.

Skara: Oh, by the way, I think I’ve got it! Remember that grudgby game you played with Boscha forever ago?

Willow: Yeah?

Skara: Remember when you made a plot of flowers and other plants to catch yourself and cushion the fall? Well…Just do that again! If you fall! You don’t need anyone to catch you when you can catch yourself!

Willow: …Why didn’t I think of that?!

She groans.

Willow: There were so many options of what I could have done! Why didn’t I do them?!

Hunter: You panicked. That happens to the best of us.

Viney: Yeah, like Luz’s mom.

Luz: Okay, now you’re getting personal.

Willow: I know it happens and I know I shouldn't be that upset by it…but I am. I’m sorry, but I am.

Hunter: You don’t need to be sorry. We get it.

Gus: Yeah. It’s hard to take a loss like this. Especially for you, always being there to make sure we’re our best selves.

Luz: It must hurt more when you’re not your best self, doesn’t it?

Willow: …It does, actually.

Luz: Yeah, been there too. But one thing that keeps me going? Knowing that I now have people by my side who will always help me no matter what.

Gus: That’s right. Until that leg heals up, consider me your errand boy. Whatever you need done or whatever you need to get that’s outside of your house, I’ll be there to do it.

Hunter: Same with me. Except I will also play nurse.

Luz: Ew, no.

Hunter: What? I’m saying I’ll help make sure Willow’s comfortable in the times she has to stay home and rest.

Luz: I know, but you saying you’ll play nurse puts an uncomfortable image in my head.

Vee: And now that’s in mine. Thanks for that.

Hunter: Sometimes you never make sense.

Viney: Also, as someone with actual healing magic, I’ll be there to help you whenever you feel like you need it.

Skara: And don’t worry about the team. I’ll take over and make sure things are run efficiently while you’re out of commission.

Luz: And, when Amity comes back, we’ll make sure there’s not a dull moment as you recuperate. Hanging out and watching movies together as you heal up.

Gus: We’ve all got your back.

Hunter: Just like you’ve had ours.

Willow: …Thanks, everyone.

Luz: No problem. Now, how about we wrap this up so we can give you the fun and comfort you need?

Willow: Sounds good to me…

Luz: Great. Thank you all for joining in, and thank you, audience, for listening. Always feel free to suggest stuff. We might not always follow a suggestion, but we’ll keep an eye out for anything good. But, uh, keep them simple, please? Like, suggest who you want on and what we can talk about. Not…a story.

Vee: This one person left what’s basically a  whole pitch script in the comments one time, and it was a little…more than we wanted.

Luz: No offense to you,sweet listener. We love the spirit, but the simpler, the better. Please? Until then, thanks for listening and we will talk to you all another time!

All: Byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Chapter Text

Luz: Hello, hello, Boiling ISLES! I am Luz Noceda, residential human, and welcome back to my little podcast! Today, we’re a little short on members as it is just me, the absolute goddess known as Amity Blight…

Amity: Oh, stop.

Luz: And my sister Vee, typing away as normal.

Vee: I’m going to politely ask you two to not be gross today. I don’t want to be dealing with excessive Lumity sweetness alone.

Luz: Hush. And the reason why it’s just the three of us today is because Willow’s still laying in bed, trying to get better from her injured leg, with Gus and Hunter being unwilling to leave her side. Plus, no other potential guest responded to my texts in time, so it’s just me, my sister, and my ever so lovely girlfriend.

Amity: D’aw…

Vee: I will leave.

Luz: Don’t worry, we will try to not be “too cutesy.” Especially since, today, Amity is going to share her latest trip! I know storysiren has been very curious of what she’s been up to–

Amity: Your fans are curious about me?

Luz: Oh, yeah. And storysiren would love to hear what you’ve been up to about the different Isles you visit and see.

Amity: Oh. Well, I have been on a fair share of exciting adventures recently. Just me, my ship, and–

The door is kicked open.

Amity: BOSCHA?!

Boscha, the background: Yeah, it’s me. And guess what. We’re joining this little nerd thing you're doing.

Luz: It’s not a nerd thing!

Amity: And who’s we?!

Boscha, in the background: You think I’m doing this alone? Cat! Amelia! Get in here!

Two girls (Cat and Amelia?) walk in after Boscha.

Boscha: Alright, how do we do this? Amelia, I thought you said they had six mics?

Amelia: It’s what they said last time.

Luz: Wait, you listen to my podcast?

Boscha: I don’t. Amelia does. And I want in.

Amity: You can’t just suddenly decide to be a part of this! Alright? You have to at least ask to be let on!

Boscha: Ugh! Fine! (To Luz) Can I be on here?

Luz: Uh, um, sure?

Amity:  Wha–LUZ!

Luz: Gonna be honest, I’m just curious where this goes. And we are strapped for guests–

Amity: But Boscha?!

Luz: Maybe she won’t be too bad?

Boscha: I’m in the room, by the way. So, you know, don’t talk like I’m not here. (To Luz) Seriously, where are the mics.

Luz: I mean, I have the rest in my desk drawer, but they’re a hassle to plug in and set up, so you might as well share with someone else.

Boscha: Whatever…

She sits next to Amity.

Amity: Nuh-uh! You are not spending all this time next to me!

Boscha: Seriously?!

Amity: Move!

Boscha: Ugh, fine! Titan, you are up my *** today!

Luz: Please don’t swear…

Boscha sits next to me, Amelia sits next to Amity, and Cat plops down next to Luz.

Luz: Woah, careful.

Cat: My B…

Luz: You okay? You look…tired.

Cat: Yeah, I’m chill…

Amity: This is off to a great start…

Amelia: Really? I think this is a little rough and awkward.

Amity: …(To Boscha) Why are you even here? Better yet, how do you know about Luz’s podcast?

Boscha: I told you, Amelia listens to it.

Amelia: Yeah, I like to listen to various podcasts as I tend to my garden. I have this little plot at my parents place, as I’m still living there until I can afford something for myself and be independent. But they still let me make a garden of my own as it makes their house better than everyone else’s, and it makes me feel good to make them look good–

Luz: Can you, uh, keep it to simple anecdotes?

Boscha: Nope.

Cat: Once she starts, she can’t stop.

Amelia: Anyways, I’m tending to my garden, and I’ve got this app, you know? It plays different podcasts on shuffle, and you could listen to hours of content from anyone at a time. I learn a new thing every day because of it, like Tinela Nosa’s theories of why the world is secretly run by snakes. It is so cool and she might be right. Why are there a lot of words that have an S in them?

Amity: What? What does that have to do with anything?

Amelia: Because snakes start with an S, can make an S with their bodies, and can go Sssssssssssssss!

Amity: I-I don’t even know where to begin with that.

Luz: Probably best to drop it. (To Amelia) Now as for how you know about my podcast?

Amelia: Oh, right! I was listening to podcasts on shuffle–Because of the app, you know?

Luz: Yeah, we know.

Amelia: When yours came on! I was in the process of watering my babies out front when all of a sudden I heard yours, Amity’s, Willow’s, and those other people’s voices! I stopped mid-watering to go, “Oh, cool! It’s people I know!” It was the first time I took to really listen to what someone was saying as I was gardening, and, Oh my Titan, it was so fun! I was, like, listening to you all and your private lives! I didn’t think that was fascinating because Boscha kept saying you’re all a bunch of losers–

Luz: Checks out.

Amelia: But you all made your boring lives so interesting! I just kept listening! Then I listened to the next episode where Amity’s hot sister talked about her problems or whatever–

Amity: Please don’t call her hot.

Amelia: And I listened to the last one where the Flyer Derby team came on and that Golden Guard guy lost an arm wrestling contest to this other girl or something.

Amity: That was awesome, though. I really wish I was there.

Luz: Uh-huh, (To Amelia) And you sure you were listening? You don’t seem to remember any of my friends’ names.

Amelia: Oh, I’m just bad at names and faces sometimes.

Amity: She actually is.

Amelia: And I mostly really listened to the first episode. The other two I left in the background. But it’s still pretty cool that you got your friends together to do a podcast. Isn’t that so cool, girls?

Boscha: We’re still not doing a podcast.

Amelia: But it’d be so cool and it’d bring us closer together!

Boscha: It’d be a pain in the ***.

Luz: Don’t swear.

Boscha: **** you…But why?

Luz: Because my mom listens to this! I don’t need her being all…shocked and appalled by someone’s potty mouth.

Vee: She’s really not that bad, but it wouldn’t hurt to keep this mom friendly.

Boscha: Mom friendly? Titan, you are all so lame.

Amity: If we’re lame, then why are you here then?

Boscha: Uh, because I want to address the lies and hearsay you’ve done on this podcast!

Luz: Lies and what–Wait, you listen too?

Boscha: **** no. But Amelia made me and Cat listen to the first episode.

Amelia: I just through that if I got them to listen to how fun your podcast was, then maybe they would–

Boscha: Shut up, Amelia.

Amelia: Okay.

Luz: Wait, I thought you said she doesn’t stop when she starts?

Boscha: Not unless I tell her to stop.

Amity: Then why did you let her go on and on!

Boscha: Because I knew it annoyed you! And this isn’t about her, it’s about me right now!

Amity: When isn’t it about you in that twisted, ****ed up mind of yours?

Boscha: Life should always be about me, especially when you started ****!

Amity: When did I start ****?!

Luz: So we’re just ignoring the “No swear rule,” huh?

Boscha: You started **** when you told the whole world that I lost to some puny little **** from Glandus!

Amity: Oh, Titan—That’s what this is about?!

Boscha: You took a **** on my status and character?! Why wouldn’t I get ****ed about that?!

Vee: Really not making my job easier…

Boscha: Shut up…What are you doing?

Vee: Making the transcript–Didn’t you listen to that episode Amelia played you?

Boscha: No, I was in and out until my name got mentioned. And lies being spread to millions!

Luz: Millions? This podcast isn’t even getting that many listeners. There are, like, nine people who subscribed to it and I think one of them’s my Mom.

Boscha: It has nine people for now! But if it does bring in millions of listeners, I want to set the record straight as fast as possible! Because I’m not going to let people think that I’m some pushover that a tiny **** can take down!

Luz: Please stop saying ****! Would you want your moms to hear you say that?!

Boscha: My moms don’t give a ****.

Vee: I’m half-tempted to stop trying at this point…

Amity: How fragile is your ego that you can’t stand there being a single podcast episode that talked about how you got your butt kicked?

Boscha: It’s not just any podcast, it’s her podcast!

She points at Luz.

Luz: What does it being my podcast have anything to do with…well, anything?

Boscha: Because Amelia told me that you think of yourself as famous.

Amity: She is famous! She’s the reason why your pathetic, whiney *** is actually alive.

Boscha: Yeah, and that’s the point! People still think she’s a big deal for some reason and I don’t want them all coming in and hearing false rumors about me.

Amity: False rumors? You lost a fight! That is fact!

Boscha: I didn’t lose! That **** cheated!

Luz: Stop saying ****!

Amity: Cheated or not, you still lost to her!

Boscha: No. No. NO! I did not lose because it wasn’t a fair fight!

Amity: You didn’t win either.

Luz: Yeah, I mean, if a fight happens between a person with a bat and another with just their fists, the person with the bat is gonna win. Like, regardless if they cheated or not, they still won that fight.

Amity: And this other girl didn’t even cheat. You challenged her to a witch’s duel, and she won.

Boscha: With bull**** construction magic that’s not even possible! Who makes a pillar grow out of dirt?!

Luz: Her, Matt, this one four-armed lady that my mom got coffee with one time–

Vee: Mom did what?

Luz: She went and got coffee with this friend she made here.

Vee: Mom has a friend here?

Luz: Yeah.

Vee: One other than Eda or Raine?

Luz: I was surprised too. But she seems pretty nice and seems to get along really well with–

Boscha: Who cares about your mom?!

Luz: I do! She’s my mom and she’s awesome!

Boscha: What could possibly be awesome about her?!

Luz: She makes friends with huge, demon ladies for one.

Vee: She takes you in and treats you as your own for two.

Amity: She threatened to beat an abusive piece of **** with her bat for three.

Luz: She’s the best mom ever, and how dare you try to make her seem like not a big deal.

Boscha: Pretty sure you’re just talking her up because you know Mommy’s listening to this podcast.

Luz: Oh, it’s more than that. I’d talk her up even if she wasn’t listening.

Vee: She is that good.

Boscha: Sure she is.

Luz: She’s probably better than your two moms put together!

Boscha: Oh, so now we’re bringing mothers into this?

Luz: You…started bringing mothers into this!

Amity: I knew this would be a mistake–I knew this would be a mistake!

Boscha: She said it’d be okay for me to be here.

Amity: And now she’s regretting it! Right, Luz?

Luz: Honestly? Little bit, yeah…

Amity: Just a little?

Boscha: Hey, if you never wanted me here, maybe don’t talk **** behind my back!

Amity: Tons of people talk **** about you! I do it! Willow does it! Matt does it–!

Boscha: Yeah, but that guy’s a slimy little weasel. Who listens to him?!

Amelia: Actually, he gets hundreds of listeners each day with “Humans. What are they?”

Luz: Matt has a podcast?

Amelia: Oh, yeah. It’s super popular.

Luz: How is his super popular?

Amelia: It helps that he updates weekly.

Luz: I update weekly.

Amelia: No, you update bi-weekly. People lose interest fast if they don’t get a quicker fix.

Luz: I have…stuff to do–Why do I care? This is meant to be a hobby and an excuse to talk to friends.

Boscha: Sounds like a lame idea.

Amity: It’s a beautiful idea. (To Luz) Don’t listen to her, Oopsie.

Boscha: Titan, you’re still talking like that?!

Amity: Yes, we’re still talking like that! We are in love!

Boscha: Barf…

Amity: Don’t be bitter because you’re jealous.

Boscha: Jealous of what?

Amity: Luz having something you never will: Me.

Boscha: Pfft! Like I could ever be jealous of her! Wh-Why would I ever be jealous of her having you? I don’t care about that! I never care about that! Especially now! I am great with the ladies–I go out with a new one every night! Cat can attest to that!

Luz: Oh, yeah, Cat, you haven’t really…said that much yet. You wanna speak up?

Cat: Nah, I’m chillin’.

Luz: Really?

Cat: Yeah, I’m fine just sitting here.

Luz: Don’t you want to at least, uh, explain why you could attest to Boscha’s claim?

Cat: Oh, sure.

She leans into the mic.

Cat: ME AND BOSCHA ARE ROOMMATES.

Luz: …And?

Cat: AND SHE ALSO GOES OUT WITH A LOT OF GIRLS.

Luz: Okay. Don’t speak too close to the mic, please.

Cat: OKAY.

She leans away and snorts a little bit.

Luz: …Are you high right now?

Cat: Little bit…

Luz: Why?

Cat: I popped in an edible before Amelia started your podcast. I’m eighteen, I can do that.

Vee: Legal consumption of edibles is twenty-one.

Cat: Maybe where you're from.

Vee: I’m from here and it’s still the same thing

Cat: …Is it?

Vee: It is. I checked.

Cat: …Oh, shoot.

Boscha: Yeah, your butt’s getting fined, but who cares. The point you need to understand is that she confirms I’m dating. And having a great time doing it. Right, Cat?

Cat: Yeah, but you don’t really commit.

Boscha: What?

Cat: Like, you date, but you don’t date again. You see them once, come home finished with them, and then it’s like, “Onto the next one.”

Boscha: Well, yeah, you don’t want to go for the same meal twice.

Amity: Oh, gross.

Boscha: You're gross. You and Luz are all sicky and icky and–Blegh. Why would I want that?

Amelia: Because you crave love and affection?

Boscha: Shut up, Amelia.

Amelia: Okay.

Luz: I mean, there’s nothing wrong with dating out. If you’re not ready to commit, you don’t have to commit. But don’t treat the ladies as, like, slabs of meat you can use then lose.

Boscha: I can do whatever I want. I’m a grown *** woman now.

I give a deep sigh.

Boscha: What?

Vee: Nothing, don’t worry about it… 

Amity: Just because you’re a grown woman doesn’t mean you should treat others disrespectfully.

Boscha: And what? Settle down with someone who’ll make me a mush fest like you? No thanks. That–Why would I want that? You said that I’m jealous of you and Luz and your gross relationship? Who would want that type of gross, mushy–

Amelia: Matt says you do.

Boscha: …He what?

Amelia: He said it on his podcast. During his episode on Luz.

Luz: An episode on me?

Amelia: Yeah, it was a long one. He talked about you, what you do, the impact you had, what you eat–

Luz: Why is he talking about what I eat?

Boscha: Scratch that. Why is he talking about me in an episode about her?

Amity: What’s wrong? I thought life should always be about you.

Boscha: Zip it, Blight!

Amelia: Oh, he was talking about you because, like, he brought up how Luz is dating Amity now and, like, how that drove you nuts. He talked about this time you were in the detention pit, begging Amity to take you back like an old ex who moved on to someone better. Except you never really dated, which is why it’s weird that he made that claim. I mean, how could you ask for someone to take you back when she was never really yours to begin with. That’d be like–

Boscha: Shut! UP! AMELIA!

Amelia: Okay.

Boscha: Oooooooooh, I’m going to kick Matt’s *** when this is over…

Amity: Be careful. He has construction magic. He might beat you too.

Boscha: The day I lose to that slimy weasel is the day I give up my title as Bonesborough’s top athlete!

Amity: You are not Bonesborough’s top athlete!

Boscha: Yes I am! Pick up a sports magazine!

Amity: I have! I read one last week! And it said Willow’s the top athlete!

Boscha: I meant read a real sports magazine! Not one that throws that title away to someone who slipped off her staff!

Luz: Hey, come on, she’s really upset by that enough. She doesn’t need you coming in and saying things that’ll make her feel worse.

Boscha: Ooooooooh, no! She’ll get upset about losing a sports tournament!

Vee: You should know, it’s gonna be hard for me to add in the sarcasm.

Boscha: Like people can’t already tell!

Amelia: Wait, that was sarcasm?

Boscha: Amelia.

Luz: I’m serious. Be nice towards Willow. We all were when she was on here last.

Amity: Especially since she’s older, stronger, and can easily shove her foot up your *** if you tick her off enough.

Boscha: Yeah, I’d like to see her try with that boot she’s sporting from her injury.

Amity: She has more than one foot, idiot.

Boscha: Like I’m scared.

Luz: …Cat, how scared is Boscha of Willow?

Cat: Oh, she’s, like, super scared.

Boscha: Cat.

Cat: I don’t know what happened during that time that…Collector thing showed up, but ever since, Boscha’s been too threatened to say anything to Willow anymore.

Boscha: Cat.

Cat: And every time Willow walked down the hall of Hexside, Boscha would put as much distance between herself and Willow as possible.

Boscha: Cat!

Cat: One night, she had a nightmare that Willow beat her up too badly and crawled into my bed for comfort snuggles–

Boscha: CAT! Shut! Up!

Cat: I’m not your *****. You can’t tell me what to do.

She lazily snaps her fingers.

Luz: You have no idea where you are right now, do you?

Cat: Not one clue, no…

Amity: Huh, sounds like someone is threatened by Willow.

Boscha: Wh-WHATEVER! That’s just BS rumors that this podcast loves to spread!

Luz: Uh-huh. Still, when Willow heals up, she might be ready to “chat” after listening to this podcast.

Amity: And boom. Foot? Meet ***.

Boscha: What is your deal with ***es?

Vee: What is your deal with swearing?! My effing Titan–See? See that self-censoring?! It’s not that hard, gosh darn it!

Luz: …Vee? You good?

Vee: It’s just…When I have to censor, I have to put in those little star things? The ones over the number eight button. And it’s just…It’s annoying.

Boscha: That is so not a big deal.

Vee: Neither is people saying mean things about you on a platform. If you ignored what Amity said on the podcast, it would have probably gone away. Draw attention to it, you put more of a spotlight on yourself and how pathetic you are about being a sore loser!

Boscha: …Did you just call me pathetic?

Amity: Go Vee!

Luz: She’s also not wrong. I doubt anyone really cared about you losing this fight to some girl.

Boscha: She cheated!

Luz: Whatever. But now that people know that you care about her “cheating,” those who like getting a rise out of you are going to bring it up more and more because they know it frustrates you. Heck, I bet that girl is giggling to herself now that she knows she made you this much of a lunatic.

Boscha: Oh, now you’re calling me crazy.

Luz: Only because you’re acting like it.

Boscha: You know what? I don’t need this.

She stands up.

Boscha: I’m better than you, and everyone in this room. I don’t need to be torn down like this. So ssssssssssssssssssss–SUCK IT!

Amelia: *Gasp* Boscha’s part snake!

Boscha: Shut up and come on!

Amelia: Okay.

Boscha: You too, Cat. You…high idiot.

Cat: Okay…Carry me.

Boscha: What?

Cat: Carry me. My legs are all ethereal and ****.

Vee: GAH!

Boscha: Oh, my Titan. Fine. Anything to get out of here sooner.

She walks over, lifts Cat up by the shoulders, and carries her out with ease. Amelia follows.

Amelia, in the background: Thanks for having us! It was a lot of fun!

Boscha, in the background: Shut up, Amelia!

Amelia, in the background: Okay!

Amity: Thank Titan they’re gone…

Luz: Yeah, that…That was a bad idea.

Amity: Yeah, it was. Why did you let them stay?

Luz: I…don’t know. I thought maybe it wouldn’t be too bad. That maybe Boscha’s chilled out over the years.

Amity: She has until her ego is on the line. Then she becomes insufferable.

Luz: Yeah, well, note to self. Never bring her up again.

Amity: No, if anything, we need to bring her up more. If she has any problems with us talking sh–

Vee: CRAP.

Amity: …Yeah. If she has any problems with us talking crap, that’s her problem. Not ours. She can…whine and moan all she wants. It’ll just make her look like the bigger baby in the end because of it.

Luz: Yeah…She listened to our first episode from weeks ago and decided to burst on in and call it crap.

Amity: Yeah, it’s insane. She’s insane.

Vee: What would she have done if we weren’t doing the podcast? Demand that we’d start one up for her benefit?

Amity: Probably.

Luz: I’m so sorry for letting her stay on.

Amity: It’s fine…

Luz: And I’m also sorry for letting her interrupt what you were about to say. About your travels. Do you want to go on now?

Amity: …Nah, I can do that next time. Or some other time. I’m just…Boscha made me angry. I need snuggles to make me feel better.

Luz: Well, don’t worry, baby. I’m here to provide.

Vee: And I’m gonna leave too. If that’s what’s going to happen.

Luz: Oh, wah. But, yeah, we should wrap this up. Thank you all so much for listening and for suggesting. Sorry that a surprise guest kind of hijacked the show.

Amity: And if she ruined things.

Luz: I mean, who knows. Someone might have found her temper tantrum entertaining. And if you did…good for you. I don’t know if Boscha will ever come on again–

Amity: If she does, I hope I’m not here for it.

Luz: But if she does, she has a lot of apologies to make beforehand and a promise to make to make sure she’ll be better. But if you want any other guest to come on, let us know. And keep suggesting what to talk about. We do read those, and the best ones from each episode determine what we do on this show. Thank you all for listening, suggesting, and reading Vee’s transcripts. We’ll see you all next time.

All: Byeeeeeeeeee.

Chapter Text

Luz: Hello, hello, Boiling Isles. I am Luz Noceda, residential human, and welcome back to my little podcast. And today’s a very special episode because a lot of people really wanted to see my family get brought on here. Tim_the_Toon especially wanted me to invite King and Eda to join in on the fun…So of course I just had to bring them.

Eda: HAPPY TO BE HERE, KID!

Luz: Too close to the mic!

Eda: RIGHT. Sorry. I don’t know how these stupid things work…

Luz: It’s fine…

King: Question: Can I swear on this podcast?

Luz: What? No, what?

King: Eda said I could.

Camila: She what?

Luz: Mamá–Haha-Ha! Gotta introduce everybody before we get into any discussions.

Camila: Oh, right. Sorry.

Luz: It’s alright. Also, dear listeners, Raitho17 had asked if I could invite my birth Mom onto the podcast. And to maybe bring her new friend as a guest too. I sent her a text, not sure if she’d say yes. But she did and now here she is! And with her new friend too, uh, Jane, right?

Jane: That’s my name, don’t wear it out…Was that sappy? I’m sorry if it was.

Camila: It was fine, don’t worry.

Luz: Uh-huh. And, as always, there’s my sister Vee, typing out this transcript in real time. Making this an episode where my whole familia is here…Plus Jane, my mom’s friend.

Jane: Happy to be here.

Vee: And I am begging people not to swear, please.

Camila: Yeah, (To Eda) Why did you tell your son he could swear on this podcast?

Luz: Yes, yeah, now you can get into it…

Eda: HEY, I DIDN’T–

Luz: Too close. Just sit how you would normally sit. The mic will pick it up, you don’t have to lean into it.

Eda: Fine. And I didn’t tell him he could swear on this pod-thingy.

King: Technically you did.

Eda: …Is this about what I told you on your birthday?

Camila: What did you tell him?

King: That I can swear now!

Eda: That he’s allowed three swears within a year.

Camila: Why would you let him have that?

Eda: Hey, it’s what my mom did for me and Lily for when we turned twelve. (To King) And do ya really want to waste one of your swears on this?

King: On a podcast with dozens of listeners? Absolutely! The whole Boiling Isles will be able to hear my very first swear!

Luz: We have seven hundred and seventeen listeners in total, for one. And two, we’ll censor the swears anyway, so it’ll be pointless.

King: …What if I say it very, very quietly? So that you don’t hear it…?

Luz: Don’t.

Jane: Why censor it, anyway? Would you get in trouble with the site you post these episodes on?

Luz: No, it’s because…You know…Mamá…

Camila: Oh, mija, I don’t care if you swear.

Luz: I care. I absolutely care.

Camila: Luz, I’m not some puritan who’ll faint at the sound of the slightest of swears. That’s your abuela. I couldn’t care less.

Eda: Then why the hell were you up my a–

Vee clears her throat.

Eda: …Why the H were you up my A for letting my boy swear?

Camila: Because he’s a baby.

Eda: He’s twelve.

Camila: Baby.

Eda: Oh, for Titan’s sake…

Luz: And I know you don’t care about swears, Mom. But…it feels wrong swearing in front of your mom.

Vee: It really does.

Luz: And the fact that you listen to the podcast and can hear me and my friends swear–Guh, it feels weird.

Vee: So weird.

Jane: I get that.

Eda: I don’t. My ma cussed left and right. How do you think I learned half the words I know now? If I try to watch my language in front of her, she’ll go, “Please, dear, just say ****.”

Vee groans.

Luz: Yeah, that’s your Mom. Mine doesn’t swear unless she’s really, really angry.

Camila: Even then, I don’t care. You’re both adults now. You can swear.

Luz: But it’s weird.

Vee: So weird…

Jane: It is a little weird. Like, my mom probably wouldn’t care either, but I gotta watch my language around her. It’s just too hard to turn off that part of my brain that, for years, told me to never swear in front of her.

Luz: Exactly. Mom raised me to believe that saying a bad word gets you in trouble. So I never said a word. Not to her face, and not in public.

Eda: You never swore once?

Luz: Only in the mind. Where the bad words must remain.

Vee: She swears all the time playing that one game on her laptop.

Luz: Hush.

Vee: Holler Knight. It’s super hard and makes her go feral.

Luz: Well, you swear all the time too!

Eda: That I don’t believe. This kid is usually so skittish. I’ve got a feeling saying one cuss is too much for her.

Vee: I’m not skittish…anymore. I’ve gotten good with…confidence. And stuff.

Eda: Sounds like it.

Camila: Don’t diss my daughter.

Eda: I’m not dissing her…I’m teasing. Skittish is adorable, kiddo.

Vee: I’m not adorable…I’m rad.

Jane: That…was a very adorable thing to say.

Vee: I’m rad!

King: Okay, then say a swear.

Vee: Wha–No!

King: Why not?

Vee: I…don’t want to.

King: Because you’re skittish?

Vee: Because then I’m…going to…have to censure myself. And that’s annoying! I have to put in those little star thingies, which means holding shift and pressing eight a few times–It’s a hassle.

Eda: As opposed to typing things out normally?

Camila: Leave her alone. (To Vee) You’re fine, querida. Don’t listen to them.

Vee: Thanks, Mom…

Camila: You speak when you’re comfortable.

Vee: Thank you, Mom.

Luz: Let’s move on from the swearing. I don’t want that to be today’s topic. This whole podcast is about catching up with the people I love, and I would love to hear how things are going for you, Mom. Because…you made a friend! A big, giant friend. I…wouldn’t have expected that.

Camila: For me to make a friend?

Luz: For you to make one here. I know how the Boiling Isles can sometimes make you feel…uncomfortable.

Camila: Oh, I wouldn’t say that–

King: Luz said you screamed a lot on your first day here.

Camila: W-Well, I mean, to be fair, that wasn’t really the best first impression. The world turned into a playground of a little baby god and some…demon-looking witch hunter burning the world down and killing my daughter.

Eda: You think Belos felt that yer mother called him a demon?

Luz: Where? In Hell?

Eda: Yeah.

Luz: Oh, absolutely.

Eda: Heh, yeah.

Luz: He’s in the middle of getting poked by branding sticks, and then suddenly he felt an even worse pain.

Eda: The pain of being called the very thing he hates the most. Cuts way deeper than any hot branding.

Camila: Anyways, I may have…struggled a tiny bit to get used to the Isles, but I managed. And I continue to do better the more I’m here, right?

King: You were cringing the whole time during Luz’s party two months ago.

Camila: That was unrelated. Besides, I like coming here now. I’m fine walking about and chatting with people.

Eda: Yeah, as long as me, Raine, or Lily are holding your hand the whole time and ensuring you that nothing’s gonna hurt you.

Camila: That is a…a bad way of-of explaining it.

Jane: You did seem skittish when we first met.

Vee: Skittish is fine! There’s nothing wrong with being skittish sometimes!

Camila: Um…Thank you, Vee. And of course I was a little…taken aback at first. Never met anyone…like you.

Jane: Never met anyone like you either. I mean, I’ve heard of humans, especially the hero of the Isles.

Luz: Hi.

Jane: But I never met one or seen one with my own eyes. I almost mistook you for a witch until I saw the ears.

Luz: Yeah, that happens on occasion. And, personally, I’ve never seen anyone like you before either. And I’ve been here for four years. I somehow never knew the Boiling Isles had demons that look like a bigger version of those…four-armed aliens from Benny Twenty. 

Jane: What is–

Camila: A human’s kids’ show. One that cost parents fortunes back in the day so they could buy their kids every new alien in that show.

Jane: Huh…Well, I wouldn’t be surprised you haven’t seen Giants before.

Luz: That’s what you are?

Jane: Yeah. We live in Shouldervale, a sort of mountain range where we can be as big as we want without worrying about stepping on someone.

Camila: Big as you want?

Jane: Yeah. We can naturally control our own height, growing and shrinking to move around better. What you see right now is the smallest most of us can go.

Eda: Yer twice the size of most of us and yer just sitting down. That’s small?

Jane: I said as small as we can go.

Luz: How big can you get?

Jane: Um…Slightly smaller than a mountain, but way bigger than most buildings.

Luz: Wow…

Camila: Did…not know that…

Jane: Does…that freak you out?

Camila: Oh, no, no, no! I’m fine with that, really. Just…surprising that you could do…that. I’m just…learning something new with you every day, huh?

Luz: How long have you known her?

Jane: About a month or so.

Camila: I was missing mi bebé as she was in college, so I thought I’d take a little stroll over to the campus. With Eda helping me, of course.

Eda: I offered to fly but she said that makes her nervous.

Camila: I can be okay with the eyes on the streetlamps, but I will always draw the line on flying unless absolutely necessary. Those staffs are so thin I’m always scared I’m going to roll or fall off.

Eda, muttering: Are the staffs thin or are you–

Luz and Camila: Hey.

Eda: Sorry. Sorry…

Camila: As I was saying, we were walking over to the university, chatting and catching up ourselves, when we walked by a construction site.

Jane: Yeah, there’s been a lot of those recently. Mostly because the damage that Belos and that Collector kid did was really immense. It could take years before everything the two of them almost tore apart could be rebuilt back to normal.

Luz: Sorry about that…

Jane: Hey, there’s no need to be sorry. It’s not like you were the direct cause of any of it.

Luz: …Yeah, no. I guess not…

King: And don’t blame The Collector. He was just a kid who didn’t know any better.

Jane: I understand that…But they also caused millions of snails in property damage when turning the world into his personal playground.

King: Well…Yeah, but it’s not like they can poof money into existence.

Luz: …Wait, can he? Have you ever tried that?

King: Uh, no?

Eda: King, yer asking your friend a very important question the next time they ever come back.

Camila: We’re getting off topic again. Me and Eda were walking past the construction site, minding our own business, and–

Eda: A support beam fell on top of us.

Luz: What?!

Vee: It what?!

Camila: It almost fell on top of us. Thankfully, Jane was there to be big and strong enough to catch the beam before it could hit us.

Eda: Cami was so frazzled after that.

Camila: Of course I was frazzled! A support beam almost fell and crushed me to death!

Jane: It wouldn’t have crushed you to death…Just crushed you hard enough to leave most of your bones broken to the point where you wish you were dead. We had this one guy–

Camila: Please don’t tell any construction stories like that. Vee doesn’t have the stomach for gore.

Jane: Right, sorry.

Vee: I have the stomach for gore! Me and my enbyfriend watch horror movies a lot.

Camila: I meant real gore, Mija. Real gruesome stuff that happens in real life.

Vee: Well…Who can really stomach that?

Luz: Well, I’m just glad Mamá didn’t turn into one of those gorey stories. Thank Titan that you were there in time, Jane!

King: You’re welcome.

Jane: What–

Eda: Don’t worry about it. Anyways, after Tiny here saved us, she gave Cami and me a brief scolding about construction safety and to always watch where we step.

Jane: And Camila wouldn’t stop saying sorry for the majority of it.

Camila: Well, I was shaking off the surprise of having a beam almost fall on me and-and being saved by a giant woman that I…That I had to say sorry.

Eda: Yeah, you do need to apologize. We walked a little too close to a construction site for Titan’s sake. But you only need to say it once. Not ninety times.

Camila: It wasn’t ninety times.

Jane: It was closer to eighty. 

Camila: I was…embarrassed.

Luz: For almost getting killed?

Camila: I…Yes, I guess so. We should have been more careful, and if Jane wasn’t there, well, I don’t even want to think of that…

Luz: Me neither…

Camila: And I thanked her, of course.

Eda: Fifty more times than necessary.

Camila: And me and Eda finally made the rest of the way to the university to give you all the hugs and kisses I could manage.

Luz: Wait, is that why you were all huggy and snuggly when you visited?

Camila: Of course!

Luz: I thought it was because I haven’t seen you in a while! You didn’t say anything about almost getting crushed to death!

Jane: Again, she’d be lucky if it did–

Luz: Thank you, Jane!

Camila: I didn’t even want to think about what happened. I put it out of my mind instantly and was just so grateful that I was alive.

Jane: So grateful you brought cookies.

Luz: She did?

Eda: That I didn’t know.

Camila: Well, because she saved my life and didn’t cause my daughters to lose a mother, I had to thank her in some way.

Eda: You thanked her enough. Saying “Thank you” once is more than enough.

Camila: Not to us Nocedas. We take our gratitude much farther. Right girls?

Luz: I still owe Eda that sock puppet show for getting me into Hexside.

Vee: And this one pizza place I order from all the time always gave me the best pizza and was never late for it. So, as thank you, I bought subs-sandwiches from this other great place nearby and gave them to every employee that worked there.

Camila: That’s my girl!

Luz: But why not buy pizza? You know, thanking those who gave you great pizza with pizza they can eat for a change…

Vee: If you made pizza all day every day for different kinds of people, would you want pizza yourself?

Luz: …Huh. Fair point.

Jane: What is…a pizza.

Camila: Oh, that is a culinary adventure for you and I to go on, that’s for sure.

Eda: Okay, I get it. You gals are crazy for thanking people.

Camila: And I needed to thank Jane. So, I baked her some of my famous caramel-chocolate chip cookies.

Vee: Ooh, those are good…

Camila: Yeah…For us.

Jane: She came to the construction site again. At a much safer distance–

Eda: By yourself?

Camila: I was determined to thank her.

Jane: Anyways, I wasn’t there that day, but a few coworkers of mine pointed her to my address.

Camila: I was just going to leave them at her doorstep with a note, thinking that would be enough, when that’s the moment she opened the door, with me bent down over her welcome matt, depositing cookies.

Jane: It was a surprise for sure. Very rarely do I get any visitors. Especially ones as small and humanlike as your mom.

Camila: Was a little embarrassed that I got caught mid-delivery too. But I persisted and held the cookies up as a way of saying thank you.

Jane: It was off-putting at first, but Camila had such a nice, gentle smile and the gesture was sweet enough, so…I took one to eat, saying I appreciated the gift.