Chapter Text
Courage
Chapter 1: Spring
Rutile came to life slowly, bit by bit, as the first rays of spring shone through the room. Hibernation was over. Winter was over. It was time to get up. Easier said than done.
"Hey, everyone, time to get up…" Came a quiet, somber voice. Antarcaticite, the only Gem awake during winter.
A collective groan and mumble answered them, as everyone tried to bury their faces in such a way that the sun wasn't hitting them.
"...I'll get everything ready for the morning meeting. You can all sleep a little longer." Antarc said in response, unusually generous.
"Thanks, Antarc…" Rutile mumbled out, rolling over to stuff their face in a pillow.
"...Antarc has been taken to the moon."
All thoughts of sleep fled from Rutile. They jumped up, turning to look in the direction of what they thought was Antarcticite. Rutile had trouble believing what they were seeing.
In Antarc's place was Phosphophyllite. Clumsy, unreliable, 3 and a half Phosphophyllite. But it wasn't the Phos that Rutile had seen before winter. Phos was taller, their hair cut short, and their arms had been lost, replaced by a pair of gold ones. But it was Phos's face that had changed the most. Where there had once been a naive, idealistic, but altogether happy look, there was an almost emotionless, dead expression.
It was a face that Rutile was all too familiar with. It was most commonly seen amongst the older members of their family, but it wasn't uncommon to see it plastered on any of them. The weariness, the apathy, the pain. It was impossible to mistake it for what it was.
It seemed Phos had finally discovered the cruelties this world could inflict.
"You're…Phosphophyllite?" Rutile almost couldn't believe their eyes. Phos had changed so much in one winter.
"Yeah…" Phos replied, still in that monotone, so unbelievably different from the cheerful, chipper voice Rutile was familiar with.
"Is what you said about Antarc true?"
"Yeah…" Phos repeated.
"Your arms," Rutile said, "You lost your arms too?"
At this, Phos looked down sheepishly, scratching the back of their head, and it relieved Rutile to see even a little bit of the Phos they knew shining through, "Yeah. Sensei will explain everything at the meeting. I have some things to say, too."
"Right. Ok." Rutile said, not sure what else to say, before remembering something, "Oh! Could you bring Cinnabar their summer clothing? And tell them we'd like them at the meeting."
"Cinnabar…" Phos mumbled, seemingly lost in thought.
"Oh, right. It's too awkward, right?" Rutile said with a smirk, throwing Phos's pre-winter words back at them.
"Oh? No, I'll do it." Phos said, "Just…remind me again, who's Cinnabar?"
Rutile stared, shocked. Phos looked back until, as if only just now realizing what they said, staggered back with their own shocked look.
"Ah, forget I said that!" Phos mumbled, embarrassed, "I haven't slept well this winter and…"
"I understand," Rutile said, relieved. Which was itself strange. Why had they been so worried that Phos had forgotten Cinnabar? As cruel as the thought was, it wasn't like the two knew each other very well. So why did the thought worry Rutile so?
"I'll go bring them the clothes," Phos said, already turning to leave, "And tell them your message…though I doubt they'll come."
Yes, Rutile could agree with that last part.
Finding Cinnabar had proved trickier than expected. All Phos knew was that the crimson Gem stayed in a cave somewhere on the island, probably where they had first met so long ago…
Phos stopped atop a rocky perch, a puzzled expression on their face. So long ago? Hadn't they first met in summer? That was only a few seasons ago. Except the details were hazy. Phos could only remember a few details. Lunarians. Arrows. Grass. Their arms shattered, yes, that had definitely happened. Everything else was blank.
And there was a second, even hazier memory. Nothing but a vague sense of weightlessness and shame.
Dammit, had those memories been lost with the legs or with the arms?
Not that Phos disliked their new limbs. At least now they could do something, instead of being stuck with their useless, three-and-a-half limbs. If anything, Phos just wished they had attained them without causing the other so much grief.
Desperate, frantic screaming. Thrashing, yelling. Begging, pleading with their arms to do something, anything. Ethereal movement, too graceful for their monstrous natures, carrying away winter's sun.
Yes, in retrospect, Phos's new arms in particular could have been acquired in much better circumstances.
Not that Antarc would be gone forever. It might take a while, but Helio's arm proved that Gems could be recovered. Even if it took a million years, Phos had that time. Gems never die.
Unless they decided Antarc was too inconsistent to be used for jewelry, and tossed their liquid form down somewhere, lost forever.
Phos shook their head as they continued the search down near a somehow familiar cove. No, they wouldn't allow themselves to think like that.
They stopped near the bottom, standing in the heel-high water and closing their eyes as a gentle breeze blew by. It was…relaxing. Something about the water, the location, the wind, was comforting. Like the warm winter clothes they wore during hibernation, the cove wrapped itself around Phos, a warmth settling in the core of their being. They hadn't felt like this, this…secure, in a long time. Not since Antarc…
Why? What was special about this place?
"I couldn't find you a job in the ocean. I'll try harder next time…"
That was right. They had washed up here back in the summer, just before they got their new legs. They had been talking to someone…who?
"Next time…I'll be the one to save you"
A flash of crimson in Phos's mind.
"Cinnabar…" They breathed, realizing where they were. That was why this place felt familiar, it was where they had washed up after losing their legs. The memories were hazy; what happened afterwards was even hazier, but Phos was certain that it must have been Cinnabar who brought them to Rutile.
They looked up, following the rocky outcroppings and, sure enough, there it was: The mouth of a cave. Cinnabar's, probably.
Suddenly, the bundle of clothes in their arms felt heavy. All of Phos's interactions with the poisonous Gem had been awkward, at best. Downright hostile, at worst. Not that that was something Phos was unused to. They knew how the others thought of them. Oh, sure, they were (usually) polite enough not to say so to their face, but Phos knew that Cinnabar's sentiments about them were shared by the others. Even sweet Dia, Phos knew, carried a resentment for them, just buried deeper than the others.
Cinnabar wasn't the only one who was willing to say what the others were thinking. Sometimes, they'd take the time to remind Phos just how useless they were, usually Morga and Bort. But Cinnabar was different, for some reason. Usually, Phos could brush away the remarks with annoyance at most, but upsetting Cinnabar hurt for some reason. Maybe it was because they were both low hardness? And yet Cinnabar still managed to make themself useful.
You could have been useful too. Just been a good little Gem and write your encyclopedia like Sensei asked. Then Antarc wouldn't have been taken.
Phos hadn't realized they crossed the threshold to the cave, nor that they'd been clenching at Cinnabar's summer clothes until a small tear alerted them to that fact.
For a moment, Phos just stared before yelping and quickly pulling their hand away from Red Beryl's hard work. An unfortunate side-effect of the sudden lack of support was that the clothes tumbled out of Phos's arms.
"Ah! No, no, no, no!" Phos exclaimed as they tried to catch the fluttering, falling fabric before it hit the floor, a course of action that became infinitely harder when, in their haste, Phos overlooked a small rock that caught their foot.
Phos had just enough time to bemoan their fate before they tripped and fell, throwing the clothes wildly back into the air and slamming into the floor with a loud thud. It was only quick thinking on Phos's part that allowed them to shoot out a web of gold and catch themselves and prevent themselves from shattering completely. As it stood, there were only a couple dozen cracks running across their body.
A hoarse laugh echoed through the cave as Phos sat themselves up, smiling sardonically, "Can't even deliver clothes correctly, huh…" They hung their head in their arms as gold began to leak at their eyes, "Just hope I didn't wake up Cinnabar."
"I wasn't really sleeping,"
Phos all but screamed and jumped into the air, backpedalling away with arms windmilling. There, behind them, backed far enough into the corner that the light of the morning sun barely illuminated them, was Cinnabar.
"Ah, Cinnabar!" Phos said, quickly wiping the remnants of the gold from their eyes. Dammit, did they have to see them like this? "...How was your hibernation?" They said, awkwardly. This was why Phos had wanted to just leave the clothes and go. They could barely talk to the other Gems, how were they supposed to talk to this loner?
"...It was fine," Cinnabar finally said, thankfully looking just as awkward as Phos felt. "Woke up a few times. The floes were noisy this year."
Phos tried to suppress a wince, rubbing the back of their neck, "Ah ha, that was probably my fault. I…" Phos choked back an odd noise, "I'm not as good as Antarc."
For a moment, Cinnabar said nothing, just looking at Phos, taking in their appearance and words. What was going through their mind? They were probably mad that Phos had ruined their sleep.
"...You worked with Antarc?" Cinnabar finally said, voice soft.
"Yeah…" Phos said, "I…Winter duty's something I'd never tried, so I thought, maybe, I wouldn't be useless at it…"
They hadn't been wrong either. It had been slow-going, but Phos had gotten the hang of it. Not as good as Antarc, of course. Never as good as them. They could even fight now. A job they could do and the strength to fight, it was everything they had ever wanted. Not that it had been worth it. Or even mattered, really, in the end.
"You lost your arms, too?" Cinnabar said, a bit louder. Maybe they were waking up more. Once they did, they'd probably remember that they didn't like Phos all that much and order them to leave.
"Yeah," Phos laughed a bit, but their voice sounded hollow. Yellow tinted their vision, why was everything so blurry? "But it's all good! Better even!" They held out their alloy arms, stretching and forming them to demonstrate, "These ones are so much cooler and better! They're not useless like my old limbs," Phos smiled to emphasize that point, but they must have smiled too hard, because there was a small crack at their mouth. "I'm fine,"
Some realization passed through Cinnabar, and their eyes widened, "Phos…"
"Really! I'm fine," Phos said again. Who were they talking to? It was hard to tell with the gold blocking their vision. It was pooling again. Leaking from their eyes. Phos couldn't afford that, couldn't afford to be weak, they had to be…
"I'm fine," They repeated, almost to themselves.
"Does this mean your inclusions like the alloy or that they don't?"
"I'm fine," Their arms wavered, gold leaking streams from their eyes.
"I'm doing the best I can with all these cracks!"
"I-I…" A strangled noise came from them as they shuddered,
"Take care of Sensei for me…"
"I'm fi-"
"Phos," Phos didn't know when Cinnabar had crossed the length of the cave, but they had. The crimson Gem was so close that Phos could see the bubbles of poison on their person. Amber eyes pierced into them, full of emotions that Phos couldn't understand.
"What happened?" Cinnabar spoke quietly and clearly, a spear of words that pierced through the feeble denials Phos had been speaking since they arrived at the cave. No, since the day Antarc was taken.
The crack on Phos's face widened as a shock of emotions ran through them. Fear, hate, and chief of all, despair.
"Antarc was taken…" They said, so quietly that you could have mistaken it for the sound of wind.
And like a storm, once the first words had been spoken, Phos didn't stop talking until Cinnabar knew the whole story.
Cinnabar's post-winter routine had followed a similar routine for as long as they could remember. The spring sun would cast its light on their cave, and shortly after somebody would stop by. Usually Rutile, to check on them (From a distance if they could help it) and to deliver Red Beryl's hand-sewn uniform. Why either of them still bothered, Cinnabar wasn't sure.
This had been the biggest shake-up since it had started, and for a time, Cinnabar didn't know what to do. For a good few minutes there was nothing to do but listen as Phos spilled everything. From their first days in winter to the day Antarc had been taken away. Even if Phos hadn't spelt it out, it was obvious that they blamed themself for it.
It hurt Cinnabar.
Cinnabar wasn't close to Phos, nor did they know Antarc that well. Granted, none of them, save Sensei, and perhaps Phos, knew Antarc well. And even if Cinnabar was annoyed by Phos's arrogant attitude, part of them wanted Phos to stay that way.
They had never wanted to see Phos burdened by despair the same way they had.
It wasn't identical to Cinnabar's despair, true. It was despair born from the loss of a beloved sibling. But at the core was the same despair that consumed Cinnabar.
Phos was weak. Phos was useless. And Phos's uselessness and weakness had cost them immeasurably.
It was Cinnabar's worst nightmare. The fear that chained them to the cove and to the night. It was cold comfort that it had manifested in Phosphophyllite instead of themselves.
"In the end, despite everything…" Phos said, gold streaming down their eyes, "I wasn't strong when it mattered. I was weak, I…" There was a strangled noise, as sorrow surged again, drowning out anything Phos wanted to say, "I was useless to the very end,"
What did Cinnabar do? They had spent centuries hiding away from the others, stewing in their own despair and isolation. They barely knew how to talk to Phos, much less convince them that they weren't at fault.
What would Sensei do?
Cinnabar grimaced and, with practiced ease, slid on a pair of gloves. They were already too close to Phos then they would have liked, their poison conspicuously bubbling just underneath their feet, but this was a gesture that always calmed the Gems down.
"It's not your fault," Cinnabar said, hand resting on Phos's head. The peppermint Gem had collapsed into a ball when they first started speaking, and only now raised their head to look at Cinnabar. The look alone was almost enough to make Cinnabar step away, feeling incredibly foolish. But they pressed on.
"We all go out knowing the risks. Everytime we fight the Lunarians, we know we might be taken away. It's nobody's fault but the Lunarians," Cinnabar said, feeling ridiculous. Why had Phos broken down in front of them? Why not Sensei? He knew how to deal with this, not Cinnabar!
"...It's my fault," Phos repeated, "Because I lost my arms, because I didn't adapt quickly enough,"
"It's not your fault!" Cinnabar said, louder, "Do you blame Yellow for losing Ruby, Sapphire, Green Diamond, and Pink Topaz?!"
"That's different!" Phos said, voice thick with emotion, "Yellow's a diamond! I'm just a good-for-nothing phosphophyllite!"
Cinnabar tried not to get angry, they really did. But this was ridiculous.
"Would you blame Antarc if you had been taken?!"
That got Phos to quiet down. Their head fell down again, and for a few seconds, there was nothing but the sound of trickling gold hitting the cavern floor.
"I don't know what to do…" Phos said weakly, without looking up.
And just like that, all of Cinnabar's anger was gone, and they were reminded that Phos was the youngest of them.
"I'm sorry," They said, "I shouldn't have snapped at you,"
A hollow laugh was their response, "No, you're right. It really wasn't my fault. I'm just too stupid to realize it," Cinnabar couldn't see their face, but they could feel the fake smile that had just appeared, "...Maybe I should replace my head next,"
The anger reignited, this time laced with concern, "Don't say things like that, you idiot! You've gotten lucky so far but a head transplant is too much! There's not a single Gem that's ever re-awakened after something like that."
Phos's shoulders shook with silent laughter, "Yeah, I guess you're right. Though, that'd still probably be an improvement, right?"
"Stop…" It was hard for Cinnabar to keep their tone even, with so much anger and sorrow lacing through their body, "Stop talking like that! Like you don't matter!" They closed their eyes, backing away as tiny streams of poison gathered at their eyes. "At least…at least you had the courage to try and be useful!" They finally said, "Unlike me…"
That last part had been hard for Cinnabar to admit to themself; harder, still, to say out loud. Why were they sharing so much with Phos? Others had suffered, as well. So why Phos? It wasn't like they were liable to see each other again. After this, they'd probably go to Sensei to get proper comfort and then avoid Cinnabar like the natural disaster they were. So why care so much?
"I'll find a job that only you can do! And it'll be way more fun than the night watch!"
…Were they really pining their hopes on this Gem?
"Courage…" Phos repeated, just loud enough to grab Cinnabar's attention. They were looking up now, but their eyes, though staring right at Cinnabar, were vacant. They were somewhere else, in some distant memory, "Courage…that's all Gems like us have, isn't it?"
Cinnabar didn't need an explanation to know what Phos meant. Low-hardness Gems. Phos, Antarc, and theirself. At the end of the day, courage was all they had.
"...I promised you that I'd find a job for you," Phos said softly, "Sorry, but I have to break that promise,"
Cinnabar straightened up, trying not to shatter at those words.
Idiot! Why'd you ever get your hopes up! There's nothing you can do! Even Phos can see that!
"...Cause this job won't be fun…and you're not the only one who can do it," Phos continued, breaking Cinnabar out of their thoughts,
Phos finally stood up, a small, somewhat genuine smile on their face. "Will you partner with me, Cinnabar?"
For a moment, all Cinnabar could do was stare, unwilling to believe the words they had heard. And when they finally realized that, no, they hadn't misheard, their first reaction was to ask,
"Why me?" Cinnabar asked in a small voice, "There are other Gems that don't have partners. Ghost Quartz, for example." Other Gems that aren't dangerous, Gems that won't ruin everything
"...No, it has to be you," Phos said, looking away,
"Huh?!" Cinnabar said, "Why?"
A yellowish blush formed on Phos's face, "Don't ask me that! Just say yes!"
"I…" Cinnabar choked.
I want to escape the night
"It doesn't have to be all year!" Phos scrambled, mistaking Cinnabar's surprise for anger, "And I won't be annoying, I promise!"
I want to escape the night
"Or I can just do night patrol with you! I-I stayed up all winter so I can handle working both night and day!"
"Don't leave," Cinnabar finally choked out.
"Eh?" Phos said, taken aback.
"If…if I say yes, promise me you won't leave. We'll stay partners until one of us is taken away," Cinnabar said, desperately clinging onto the thread of hope that had been dangled in front of them.
Phos's panicked rambling died down, and then, in a swift motion, they crossed the distance between the two of them, yanked a glove off Cinnabar's hand and took that ungloved hand in their own.
"Wha…?! Why you'd do that, idiot?!" Cinnabar barked out, watching as Phos's new golden arm was promptly soiled from the poison that spewed out of their unguarded hand.
For their own part, Phos just watched the poison with interest, before turning to Cinnabar, "Just getting used to it. After all, I'm not leaving you! You can't get rid of me that easy!"
Cinnabar's anger was swiftly replaced with a warm, alien feeling as they realized something impossible. Phos wanted them. Not just tolerate, but want. The onslaught of strange emotions was too much, and the shock sent multiple cracks running up and down their body.
"You know," Phos said, unaware of Cinnabar's plight, "Your poison never really scared me. In-fact," Now they looked back at Cinnabar, "I think it's pretty, actually."
Cinnabar had no retort to that, busy as they were with not shattering under the weight of emotions that assaulted them.