Chapter Text
A new Death Battle was upon the combatants of the Colosseum. However, despite this the seats were emptier than usual. It’s not uncommon for some people to be absent. In fact, it’s quite rare for a full house to occur. Some people are just too busy to attend while others prefer to watch the archives instead. Here though, it was a matter of taste.
Most of the villains didn’t take a liking in watching cartoon dogs fight so switching the animals out to a cartoon cat and coyote wasn’t exactly going to get them to sit down. That’s not to say all of the bad guys left. Some still stuck around for their own reasons. Makima simply enjoyed these fights, Joker wanted to see something innocent shed blood, while Obito was just passing by with free time and decided to spend it here.
Meanwhile, most people here are hoping for a good and fun cartoon battle. If the previous cartoon fights are anything to off of this one shouldn’t really end in a death. Something a lot of them were looking forward to.
The newcomers, Simon and Kyle, got comfy in their seats as Hal talked about looking forward to seeing a fight without death.
Kyle: Hold on, you’re excited for a Death Battle where no one dies?
Hal: Yeah, you’ll understand when you’ve seen as much as I have.
Simon: Why do you say that no one is going to die?
Hal: These two are cartoon characters. Those guys never die no matter what anyone throws at them.
Kyle raises an eyebrow in doubt.
Kyle: I don’t know about that buddy.
Hal: What are you talking about? Wile E. and Tom are cartoon characters, they can’t die.
Kyle: Sure…
Kyle says while replaying that one Tom and Jerry episode in his head where Tom loses his lives one by one throughout the episode, with each life beating him up as they leave.
Simon, with nothing much to contribute to the conversation, just stares at the screen waiting for the fight to start. Soon enough-
Simon: It’s starting.
Kyle: Oh boy! Here we go.
[Now playing: Wild Tomfooler E.]
The scene opens in the middle of the American Southwest, in a suburban house, on a moving flatbed truck.
Kyle: Oh it’s even got the jingle!
The house bounces around on the truck as its insides are ransacked by the House Mouse, Jerry Mouse (HUSE MOUSE/MUS ASSOLUCLUS), and the Domestic Cat, Tom Cat (FELIS CATUS PERPETUUS VICTIMUS).
Pinkie Pie: Hey, language!
Star: Mus As-
Steven: covers her mouth Don’t read that out loud.
Tom chases Jerry around the living room until Jerry runs into a hole in the wall. Slipping an arm through it, Tom gingerly tip-toes his fingers around until he manages to feel Jerry. Unbeknownst to him, Jerry is sitting on top of a mousetrap. He gives a wink to the audience while eating some cheese as Tom grins in delight at the thought of catching his prey… Only to get his fingers caught in the mousetrap. Tom lets out his iconic scream and pulls his arm out of the hole to inspect his swollen hand, mousetrap still caught on it.
Felicia: This one looks like he’ll be fun to play with.
Jerry laughs at Tom’s misfortune while Tom glares at him. Without hesitation, Tom grabs Jerry.
Meanwhile, more antics are happening outside.
The truck passes a Coyote, straddled on top of a comically large rocket with safety gear on. He appears to be waiting for something and that something would soon run by him. Dashing across the desert is the Greater Road Runner (MEEPUS MEEPUS), a prey for the Coyote (CANIS SCHMUCKUS).
The addition of the scientific names has got most of the combatants laughing, especially the kids.
Upon seeing his meal run past him, Wile E. lights the fuse of the rocket and gives chase.
Back inside the house, Tom lets out an evil laugh before he dangles Jerry above his mouth. But his meal is interrupted by a loud noise coming from outside. Suddenly, Wile E. and the Road Runner crash through the walls. Tom drops Jerry as he screams, and just before the Coyote crashes into him-
FIGHT (CHAMPIONUS CHOICESTICUS)
Popeye: Championus Choi- I couldn’t read that. It went by too fast.
The Mask: Slow poke. Champion Choice huh? So this fight was chosen by someone.
The Road Runner catches Jerry and the two escape their predators.
Road Runner: Meep Meep!
Meanwhile, as Tom grabs his bearings, Wile E. makes his frustration clear to the cat for making him lose track of his food by pulling out a sign that reads:
[YOU FOOLISH FURBALL! YOU COST ME MY DINNER!]
Similarly annoyed at losing his Tom grabs the sign from Wile E. and smashes his head with it, prompting Wile E. to stomp on Tom’s foot causing him immense pain.
Tom: AAAAAHHHHHH!
Tom pounces on Wile E. and the two get into a scuffle concealed by a cartoon dust cloud. The fight is playing off less like a Death Battle and more like a saturday morning cartoon. Already, a lot of combatants are having a good time. Laughing at the hijinks and the inconsequential violence.
Taokaka: The cat’s got some claws.
Nightwing: Of course, the classic dust cloud.
Scout: Oh man, this is already good.
Raph: This is what it looks like whenever Mikey fights someone.
Mikey: Hey!
The cloud moves across the living room before coming to a stop as Tom pulls out a lead pipe intent on beating Wile E. on the head with it while Wile E. takes out an extending boxing glove device intending on flattening Tom’s face with it.
Wile E. wins the quick draw, punching Tom twice in the face, squishing in, before Tom dodges the third punch and causing the glove to miss and extend somewhere off screen.
Kyle: Oh, watch it come around.
The two are left confused for a bit as Tom looks behind him to see where the boxing glove is heading to while Wile E, having somewhat expected this, turns around and meets the boxing glove with his face as it wrapped around the screen to hit him. Launching both him and Tom at the same time.
Kyle: Hahaha! Everytime.
Simon: Haha. I never had shows like this back home.
Kyle: Oh you’re missing out.
Tom quickly scurries behind the couch while Wile E. rolls back into a knocked over table and takes cover behind it.
As Tom hides behind the couch the music swells and an explosion rings out from the living room. Tom peaks back out and witnesses no man’s land. A barren wasteland polluted with craters, piles of rubble and barbed wire stretched on for miles as explosions littered the field and gunshots and trumpets rang through the air.
Goku: What happened?
Captain America: It’s suddenly a war zone.
Simon: Okay, I was not expecting that.
Kyle: Oh it’s one of these.
Simon: Huh?
Kyle: Most cartoons back in the day had some weird obsession over wars.
Putting his game face back on, Tom pulls out a sword and points it at the Coyote’s direction.
Tom: Come on you apes! You wanna live forever?!
From across the battlefield, Wile E. fires a catapult at Tom but the rock barely misses the couch and lands in front of it. Meanwhile, Tom starts mixing a potion from a cauldron that he drinks to turn invisible. While invisible, he sneaks across no man’s land. Masterfully avoiding all sorts of obstacles.
Caboose: What do you think that tastes like?
Grif: Why do you wanna know?
When the camera cuts back to Wile E. it is revealed he is placing a nuclear bomb on his catapult.
Eliciting laughs from those who’ve seen old cartoons and expressions of worry from those who haven’t.
Sanji: Wait, what’s he doing?
Gray: That seems like overkill.
After successfully securing the Fat Lady on the bucket Wile E. lets out a sigh and decides, for some god-knows-god-forsaken-god-why-did-he-do-this reason, to pull out another bomb and light it. Perhaps he intended to throw it over to Tom’s hiding place as a primer before launching the nuke. I’ve never heard of priming a place before deploying a nuke but Wile E. also didn’t know that Tom had left his cover and had now snuck up behind him with a giant mallet.
But before Tom could whack him over the head with it, the bomb in Wile E.’s hand went off the instant the fuse came into contact with the match. The small explosion triggered Fat Lady to go off resulting in an explosion that blew the two out of the house and blew the house sky high.
Killua: Wait, they were still in the house?
Ben: Haha! Yeah they were.
Misaka: I don’t get this.
The two crashed onto the desert ground covered in soot, more bewildered than hurt.
Natsu: Apparently not overkill enough.
Gray: They don’t even have a scratch.
Esdeath: Now that I think about it. Cartoon characters in a war would make for powerful soldiers.
They shake off the soot and glare at each other before Wile E. pulls out a remote control labeled “ACME” and presses the button to prompt an AMCE propeller plane flying above them to drop a crate of supplies on their location. As the crate falls its shadow grows larger around Tom. The two brace for impact, only for the crate to fall on Wile E. instead.
Yang: Woah! Wasn’t expecting that. So what’s making the sha-
Tom laughs at the Coyote’s bad luck before the plane that dropped the crate crashes on top of him.
Blake: There’s your answer.
The impact of the crash was just the opportunity Tom’s lives needed to bail and they all ascend to the Heavens, except for the ninth one. Which Tom barely manages to grab and pull back into his body, much to the Cat’s relief.
Tony: Okay, I know the saying cats have nine lives I didn’t think he’d literally have nine of them.
Rhody: How did he lose so many in one shot?
The Mask: You ever get along with your soul well Captin’?
The Mask asks Popeye, who shrugs in response.
The Mask: Me neither.
The Mask then raises his voice.
The Mask: This is going rather slow. How about we pick up the pace.
The crate opens and a dizzy Wile E. collapses on the ground. Behind him, the crate is shown to be stuffed to the brim with weapons and explosives. A small bottle falls out and tumbles into Tom’s leg. Tom picks it up and inspects its label; ACME Hi-Speed Tonic.
Kyle: Did you know that was going to fall out?
The Mask: No.
Realising what’s in Tom’s hands, Wile lunges towards him with canine ferocity. Thinking fast, Tom quickly drinks the whole bottle, super charging his body with super speed. His body acts uncontrollably as he uppercuts Wile E. and runs away.
Steven: Oh a chase!
Nightwing: Oh another classic.
Batman: You sound like a broken record.
Wile E. gets back up and builds up some speed first, causing the road beneath him to fold up behind him, before rocketing forward to give chase.
The superspeed Coyote chases the now drug-addled Cat across the Southwestern United States. Crossing miles upon miles of desert rock and sand in mere seconds. After a few seconds of running they stop to catch their breath before continuing the chase.
Tracer: Oh this is a proper cartoon now. Not even a fight.
Eventually, Wile E. decides to execute a tried and true plan when it comes to catching slippery prey. He approaches the dead end of a road and paints a fake tunnel entrance on the side of the boulder blocking it before hiding behind some nearby rocks.
Kyle: Oh, Simon. You’re gonna wanna watch this.
Tom reaches the tunnel and examines it for a bit, before running through it like normal. Wile E. comes out from behind the rocks and stares at his own painted tunnel in confusion. With all the confidence in the world, he rears up and runs straight into the painted tunnel, slamming into the side of the boulder instead.
Laughter erupts from the crowd as the Coyote falls for one of his oldest tricks in the book.
Tom then appears behind Wile E. and laughs at his misfortune before running back into the tunnel. Wile E. tries running through it again but is stopped by the laws of physics, causing Tom to once again howl at his opponent’s predicament.
Kyle: He did it again!
Mikey: Bwahahahaha!
Steven: Ahahaha!
Scrooge: What an idiot.
Frustrated at Tom’s antics, Wile E. paints a truck behind the Cat. Only to realise at the last second that he is standing on the same road as the truck. The two immediately turn tails and run as the truck comes to life. Its horns blaring as the predators try to escape becoming roadkill. As they run, Wile E. grabs onto Tom’s tail while Tom tries to escape out of the screen and into the Colosseum.
Goku: Woah!
Superman: I feel like we should’ve seen that coming.
He is restrained by Wile E., who pulls him back into the screen, but while they were breaking the fourth wall the truck hit the camera causing it to get launched into the sky so when Wile E. and Tom fell back into the screen they found themselves falling through the air. That didn’t stop them from fighting as they didn’t realise they were sky high yet. They continued their skirmish through the skies, creating a new cloud classification called: cartoon dust cloud. But this skirmish was short lived when they finally realised that their feet weren’t on the ground.
Wile E. comments on their predicament with another sign that says:
[SHOULD HAVE SEEN THAT COMING…]
Tom is not amused by the Coyote’s half-assed attempts at trying to be a silent cartoon character while trying to communicate with words, and grabs the sign from him to down air spike him. As the two fall, Wile E. decides to end the fight and pulls out his Looney DNA Dissolver. Through a split-screen Tom takes out a pair of glasses before manually zooming in on the label on Wile E.’s weapon. An fascinating concept of a gadget to some–
Batman: A weapon to counter toon logic? I didn’t think such a counter would come from a toon.
Deadpool: Oh, so it’s like my carbonadium sword.
And an terrifying concept to some.
Scooby: Ruh-Oh!
Courage: AHH! What is that?!
Misaka: What’s got them all riled up?
Killua: Maybe pay attention and you’ll see why.
The Mask: Wait a minute. I need to monologue this. takes out glasses of his own If it is labelled as the “Loony DNA Dissolver” then by proxy it should only work on toons considered to be Loony. But what does it mean to be Loony? Is it necessary to possess their DNA or is it a behavioural trait? takes off the glasses If this Death Battle was mine to fight I’d take the gun from him and shoot myself in the head to test my hypothesis.
The same thing was running through Tom’s head… not the shooting his own head part, the taking the gun from him. Because Tom came to the conclusion that he is zany enough that the Loony DNA Dissolver should have some effect on him. A realisation that got him screaming in horror. He rushes over to Wile E. (in the air while falling) and tries to wrestle the gun out of his hands, only for the trigger to accidentally be pulled. Causing its contents to splatter over both combatants.
Eventually, their fall ends and the two crash into the ground. As the smoke clears, the combatants are greeted for the first time with the sight of toons showing visible pain as a result of legitimate injury.
Batman: It negates their toon-nature.
Kyle: Oh wait, they’re actually hurt.
Superman: I’ve never seen anything like this.
Jake: Uhh, what’s happening?
Deadpool: Woah, cartoons feeling pain for the first time?
Joker: Finally, a moment of catharsis. About time.
But the pain was not going to stop these two blockheads from fighting. If there’s one thing they're both known for (besides losing) it's never giving up. Wile E. brings out another sign that reads:
[TAKE THIS!]
Before giving Tom a taste of his own medicine and smashing him in the head with it.
Steven: Ah!
Ben: Oh, he felt that.
The music swells up again as Wile E. brings out another sign that reads:
[AND THIS!]
To hit Tom with. All the while, a shadow begins to grow bigger and bigger beneath them. Wile E. takes out another sign that says:
[AND SOME OF THIS!]
But before he can hit Tom with it Tom grabs the sign and turns it around to reveal some text saying:
[OH YEAH? HOW ABOUT THIS?]
Before swinging it down on him and flipping the sign again to communicate:
[SEE HOW YOU LIKE IT!]
Despite the fact that Tom has been the one hitting Wile E. with the signs this whole time…
Taokaka: Get him pussy cat!
Tom hammers the sign into Wile E.’s chin, breaking it, before quickly rushing out of the shadow. After taking a beating, Wile E. finally notices the giant object about to fall on him but has no time to run away. Instead, he pulls out his tiny umbrella in a desperate attempt to protect himself as the house from earlier finally crash lands on top of the poor Canis Schmuckus.
After the impact, Tom looks at the house behind him before dusting his hands in satisfaction at his opponent’s supposed defeat.
Mikey: Wait, did one of them die?!
As Tom walks away, the side face of the house starts to come loose and eventually falls right on top of Felis Catus Perpetuus Victimus. With his toon force negated the wall crushes Tom into a bloody pulp, allowing his ninth life to escape.
Leo: Looks like it.
As the camera pans to the inside of the house, it is revealed that Wile E. has survived thanks to his tiny umbrella protecting him from a slab of concrete.
Batman: But it didn’t negate it completely.
Realising he is still alive, Wile E. gets up and looks around at the surrounding debris before finally claiming his victory. By abiding by the technical rules of his father’s words.
Wile E. Coyote: Wile E. Coyote; super-genius!
He marks his victory by planting a sign with the iconic Looney Tunes “That’s all Folks!” end card. The music plays the melody from the Looney Tunes outro as Wile E. Coyote collapses on the ground in exhaustion. The screen closes in on the sign before finally cutting to black-
[Music stops]
KO
Before transitioning into his victory screen. Showcasing the western predator skipping across the desert wasteland while cooking up another scheme in his head, with the ‘winner’ card displayed just beneath him.
Scooby: Re ried?
Courage: He died!
The Mask: Quiet down you two!
—
Ben: Damn, I wasn't expecting that.
Jake: They actually had a cartoon character die. I respect the guts to do that.
Killua: That was quite funny.
Misaka: Good for you.
Killua: You need to stop acting so wound up.
—
Felicia: Aww, that’s too bad. At least the cat’s more ferocious than I thought.
—
Taokaka: Pussy cat put up a fight. Now I wanna test the dog’s bite.
—
Superman: Wasn’t expecting to see a cartoon character die.
Nightwing: Me neither.
Batman: If it weren’t for that gun it might have been another tie.
—
Joker: I thought there’d be more blood. This was a waste of time.
—
Bond: Oh ho, that was quite the show for a cartoon fight.
Tracer: They actually had one of them die…
Scout: That was freaking awesome!
—
Afro Samurai: Well I’ll be damn.
Ninja Ninja: They actually killed them!
—
Hal: Oh come on! Can't this be a tie?
Kyle: Well, can’t say I didn’t see that coming.
Simon: It is called Death Battle for a reason.
The white doors open and the two cartoon characters walk out, with both of them having a bit of a daze in their steps from the effects of the DNA Dissolver wearing off. A loud applause shortly follows, snapping the both of them out of their trance. They both look around curiously at their new environment. Tom observes with more caution while Wile E. stands with his hands on his hips trying to make sense of the people clapping at them. Eventually, their observations lead to them realising each other’s presence and Wile E. comes face-to-face with the guy he thought he killed while Tom comes face-to-face with the guy he thought killed him.
The two weren’t sure how to approach each other but that thought would be pushed aside when a familiar figure and a guy with spikey hair and an orange gi approached them.
Superman: It’s been a while Wile E. Still trying to catch that Road Runner?
Superman greets the Coyote with a handshake, to which he reciprocates in kind while shaking his head in approval of Superman’s question.
Superman: Well, good luck with that I guess. And you must be Tom. I’m Superman.
Goku: And I’m Goku. Welcome to the Colosseum!
Tom receives a handshake from both Superman and Goku while Wile E. takes out a sign that reads:
[COLOSSEUM?]
Superman: Yeah. It’s a long story but don’t worry. Soon we’ll get you two feeling like you’re at home here. But for now just follow us to the back. There's an announcement being made.
As the predators follow Goku and Superman they look back at the screen as it prepares to reveal the next fight.
Next time on Death Battle
Heroic music flares up before the combatants are greeted with a sequence that shows the mutated spider that bit Miles Morales, One For All’s vestiges, Miles’ leap of faith into becoming Spider-Man, All Might passing his powers onto Midoriya and finally Spider-Man and Deku in action.
Spider-Man vs Deku
Deku: No way!
From the front row, Miles stands up to yell back at his anime counterpart.
Miles: Midoriya, it’s finally our turn!
The young hero excitedly waves back. Finally getting the chance to see how they’d fair if they went all out on each other. A few shared their enthusiasm.
Spider-Man: Great job Miles! It’s about time some of the newcomers see what a spider can do.
Static Shock: Alright, you got yours before mine. Proud of you man. Let’s see you put on a good show.
While others just decided to point out the obvious.
Gwen: Haven’t you lost all of your fights with him?
Miles: Hey, I got some technical wins.
Gwens: Yeah, those would be wins if you were just trying to catch a criminal. Not fight to the death.
—
Shoto: I don’t get why he’s so excited. He’s not strong enough to beat you.
Deku: Well, he’s strong enough to hurt me.
Shoto: But that’s not enough for someone like you.
Toph: You hurt yourself more than he hurts you.
Deku: Hey!
Aang: I mean, I’m sure it’ll still be a good fight.
All Might: That’s right. Whether it’s a fair fight or not as long as both give it their all it’s bound to be a spectacle.
Zuko: It gets a bit boring when you know who’s going to win.
Miles: Hey, I heard that!
Miles yells from below.
Zuko: Sorry buddy. Just stating the facts.
—
Dr. Doom: Children are fighting again. And it’s another hero matchup too. This sounds almost too good to be true.
Thor: You and your twisted sense of humour.
Dr. Doom: Few can comprehend Doom’s likings.
—
Red: Huh, aren’t these the guys that always fight outside?
Mega Man: Not always but yeah.
X: I’ve heard that Miles usually comes back with more injuries.
Volnutt: That’s impressive given that this is Deku we’re talking about.
Spyro: Hey Rock, you’ve fought both of them before. Who do you think will win?
Mega Man: Uhhh… this is sort of an easy win for Deku if you ask me.
Red: Why’s that?
Mega Man: I have to try harder when I fight Deku.
—
Ken: Hey it’s these kids.
Dan: Wait, why are they fighting? They fight all the time and the result is the same.
Chun-Li: The only way Miles scores wins is because Deku holds back.
Ken: I thought he never got any wins.
Cammy: That’s what I thought too.
Chun-Li: I think Deku just gives him some out of pity.
Dan: Aww come on! Gonna have to wait for the next time before we get an actual new fight.
Midoriya looked around nervously at the comments being made about him and Miles. He knows that he’s made a name for himself for being the hero that wants to fight a bunch of people, so his level of power is quite familiar with those who fight him. And there are a lot of people he fights. From super fighting robots to angels from heaven. But at least most of his sparring partners can keep up with him.
Miles has been shown time and time again to be demonstrably below Deku’s level. No matter how strong people think Spider-Men are, they are always stronger and that was true when Deku first fought Miles. It’s just that it still wasn’t enough to overcome One For All. But Miles still kept coming back. No one really knew why. Some thought it was in an attempt to prove something to himself while others figured he was trying to one day beat Deku. But regardless of the reason, he kept coming back.
So much so the young Avenger almost has a reputation for being Deku’s punching bag. A reputation that now disturbs Deku as he hears everyone already throwing out their thoughts on how the fight will be. Just another run-of-the-mill spar between the two that they probably could see for themselves any time they wanted if they just looked out the window. A waste of a Death Battle slot. Unfortunately for him, things were about to get more uncomfortable.
Shigaraki: So you’re fighting next.
Deku almost jumped out of his seat from hearing Shigaraki’s voice next to him. Even after watching Death Battles together, the young hero still found it strange to be enjoying these with his former villain.
Deku: Then again, I guess I’m not the first to have this feeling.
Shigaraki: Does this mean I’ll get to see you kill someone?
Deku: Uhhh… well- not all the deaths are on purpose. We’ve had some accidental deaths.
Shigaraki: I see. I guess that’s the death you’re hoping to give to this Spider-Man, right?
Deku: Umm-
Shigaraki: Our beef may be long buried but I think I’m going to enjoy seeing you suffer the consequences of killing someone.
Deku didn’t know where to look. Looking at Shigaraki almost felt like a safe space from the rest of the Colosseum talking down this fight. That didn’t mean it was a comfortable space. But trying to look anywhere else made him feel bad for all the times he and Miles fought, even if it was all good sport.
It didn’t exactly help when the few villains who decided to stay started walking out and giving him looks of sadism. He knew they were looking forward to seeing him kill someone and as much as he didn’t want to give them that satisfaction he knew he had no choice. But just before he could wallow even deeper in his self-inflicted despair a familiar voice stopped him.
Miles: Hey Midoriya, you okay?
Miles asked as he walked past Deku’s row.
Deku: I-I’m fine Miles.
Miles gave Deku a warm smile and a thumbs up.
Miles: I’ve got some work to do back in my world so I won’t be around. I’ll see you when it’s time for our fight.
Such a simple interaction yet Deku couldn’t help but feel like his spirits were lifted.
Deku: They don’t call them the friendly neighborhood Spider-Men for nothing.
Deku returned the gesture with a nod as he remembered why, despite the lopsided matchup, they continue to fight to this day.